Social vampires are hungry for attention and typically overshadow others by dictating the conversation. Photo / Getty Images
Are you guilty of sucking the energy out of a room without realising it?
We all know someone who likes the sound of their own voice too much. The social vampire who is hungry for attention, dictating the conversation and sucking the energy out of the room. Like your worst Halloween nemesis, they overshadow everyone else, turning them into slack-mouthed zombies, mutely nodding in agreement.
Even more disturbing, psychologists say the social vampire could be you.
Debbie Keenan, a senior BACP-accredited psychotherapist, reveals: “We all have behavioural blind spots. You might notice someone else acting out, but you are not always aware of it in yourself. There is a known psychological term: ‘the illusion of asymmetric insight’.
“While you think you’re being entertaining and riveting, you could actually be dominating the situation.”
So do you know a social vampire – or are you one yourself? Read on for the telltale signs.
Any meeting leaves you drained of energy
They barely come up for air with their long-winded “monologuing” about all and sundry to do with them. It’s exhausting. Plus, they spend their whole time waiting to butt in or to talk next, which means they are never truly listening or interested in what anyone else has to say.
In typical circumstances, a conversation or interaction with another person is a two-way process; a connection is shared and there is mutual consideration for the other’s needs. You get the chance to share ideas, opinions and experiences. But when it’s a lone onslaught of words, the recipient can be left feeling overwhelmed and overlooked.
Dee Johnson, a BACP-accredited counsellor, says: “A social vampire hijacks conversation, time and attention. They literally take over. Often, this person lacks empathy for others and finds it hard to read the signs that they are being domineering.
“In many cases, it’s not malicious, or even conscious. Because they are immersed in learnt behaviour, it has become their normal and they are unaware they are doing it.”
While we can all get animated at times, speaking over another person and reeling off one more seemingly hilarious anecdote after another, you might want to consider if there is a possibility of your own blinkered behaviour going on.
Next time you’re in a social situation, make an effort to read the room, concentrate on actively listening, ask questions, and watch out for non-verbal cues like people looking bored or moving away. If these actions don’t come naturally to you, there’s a chance you could be the conversation hijacker.
They are desperate to be noticed
What the social vampire fears most is being ignored. Their excessive need for validation is an indicator they are not getting it from within and so they stand doggedly in the spotlight in a desperate attempt at glory.
Keenan explains, “Usually this type of behaviour stems from low esteem, which can be shaped by early experience or trauma. Perhaps they were kept in the shadows as a child, or had a dominant parent or sibling who made them feel inadequate, and so they’ve become socially anxious.
“Alternatively, their behaviour could be episodic. They might be going through a tough time, like a divorce, bout of depression or the menopause. With this in mind, it’s helpful to show compassion, especially as they have unmet emotional needs and will feel vulnerable.
“While you should not endure their domineering ways, and it’s difficult not to feel resentful yourself, being calm and considered around them is more likely to bring a positive outcome. So, you could try saying something like, “Are you OK? I really care about you, and I usually enjoy your company, but we’ve been here for two hours and I haven’t had a chance to share anything about myself.” The aim is to point out what’s going on and encourage them to notice the effects of their behaviours,” says Keenan.
They can’t stop talking about themselves
A social vampire definitely has a favourite topic. Them. But while nabbing the limelight might serve them well initially, the irony is that the connection they desire the most ends up stymied by their intensity.
Johnson says, “They think they are connecting because they are talking at everyone, but a connection is a two-way thing. Soon enough, others will pull away, dread seeing them or even avoid them completely. So then they end up in their worst possible scenario – abandonment.”
They draw you in with love bombing
“It’s quite typical for them to use compliments to get what they want,” explains Johnson. “They will tell you you’re fabulous, lovely, the best friend ever. This draws you into their world, encouraging you to think they are wonderful too. Immediately, they have an attentive audience.
“Then, if you ever contest their magnificence, they can become a victim, forcing you to feel sorry for them by saying something like, “I’ve only ever been nice to you, how can you go against me?” This is another display of their insecurity playing out in complex ways.”
They demean your opinion
Who wouldn’t bristle at Tom Buchanan, from The Great Gatsby, who uses his incessant blathering to interrupt and deride others to assert control and power. So, good luck with having an opinion around a social vampire: they don’t want to hear it – unless it colludes with theirs.
But try not to take it personally. It doesn’t mean you have nothing important to say, this belittling onslaught would happen to others too. Even so, it’s not acceptable, and it may serve you well to try deflecting their dominance with a smart interjection: “It’s interesting what you say, and your opinion counts, but I’d really like to share my thoughts. Anyone else got something to add too?”
They can become nasty if ignored
There can be glimmers of narcissistic traits when dealing with a social vampire. Once they get the attention they crave, they wallow in the dopamine high, often becoming captivated by the thrill it provides.
If this is curtailed, the comedown can be cruel. “Once their needs are no longer being met, they will feel even more insecure,” says Johnson, “It’s unbearable for them to be disregarded and this can manifest as moodiness or blame. They can guilt-trip you or lash out, and everyone is on eggshells. More than anything, they want your attention and this is another way of getting it.”
She continues: “If your own confidence or self-esteem is low, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by them. Try to maintain your boundaries. You don’t have to remain in contact with this person, but if it’s someone you still want to see, perhaps you could restrict how often you meet up or only see them for an hour rather than all evening.
“And instead of having dinner together, which gives them the opportunity to spout off, go to the theatre or cinema. It’s important to be clear about your own needs. If a social vampire is given the opportunity to become overly manipulative, they can really drain the life out of others around them.”
Don’t be afraid to interrupt
Always keep compassion in mind but whenever there is a pause (however brief) in the conversation, explicitly say something like, “I’m keen to add something now.”
Don’t be silent
Your silence (even in boredom) is encouragement for them to keep going. Speak up.
Don’t look interested
Known as the Grey Rock Method, be as unresponsive as a lump of rock. Look away, show boredom and don’t nod in agreement. “Social vampires aren’t great on visual cues,” admits Keenan, “But the more attention you give them, the more they will take.”
Move away
Politely make your excuses, end the conversation and head off elsewhere.
Have boundaries
Take control of your interactions with them.
Talk to them about what’s going on
If you don’t, you could end up feeling angry and resentful. Ask them if they are aware of what they are doing (they probably won’t be) and reassure them that you care. Remember this behaviour tends to come from a place of insecurity. Unless you are dealing with a narcissist, they will probably feel embarrassed and ashamed by being outed, but the truth will help them become more conscious of their actions in the future.