How to explain to someone you have ADHD – and what not to say to someone who has it

Socialising can be beneficial for people with ADHD but requires careful balance with downtime. Photo / 123rf

Sharing your ADHD diagnosis can be empowering, but not everyone reacts in a positive way.

To say there has been an explosion in the number of people being diagnosed with ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) in the last few years would not be an understatement.

The ADHD Foundation, a charity which advocates, supports and campaigns for awareness of the condition, reports a 400% increase in the number of adults seeking a diagnosis since 2020.

Yet although cynics might say the rise is partly down to social media, with thousands of TikTokers posting about the condition, or the fact people with ADHD may be entitled to disability benefits, the condition itself is nothing new.

However, our increased awareness of the myriad of symptoms that come with it, from impulsiveness to the ability to hyperfocus or struggling with time management, have most likely been a significant contributing factor in the surge in people getting diagnosed.

If you have been diagnosed with ADHD, how should you share the news and what should you say to someone who has been recently diagnosed?

Comedian siblings Maria and Guy Williams recently explored their ADHD diagnoses in a TV documentary, Not Just Hyper.

Why share an ADHD diagnosis?

A diagnosis can be life-changing and for many people bring great clarity and, hopefully, more support and understanding, says Dr Deepali Misra-Sharp, a GP and partner at Lordswood House Group Medical Practice in Birmingham.

Sharing your diagnosis can also be empowering. “It can help you take control of your narrative and foster understanding and support,” she notes. “It can help others to understand you better and clarify any behaviour that they might have previously misunderstood.”

However, you may choose to share your news in a different way with different people, says Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley, a psychologist and counsellor.

“You might share how ADHD has influenced your relationships or habits, for example: ‘You know how I always lose my keys? Turns out that’s not just me being forgetful – it’s part of how my brain works’.”

Whereas with colleagues, you could focus on the professional implications and solutions of having ADHD. ”For example, by saying, ‘I sometimes hyper-focus on certain tasks or struggle with time management, but I’m using tools like reminders and scheduling apps to stay on track’,” Goddard-Crawley advises.

What’s the best way to share your news and what sort of approach should you take?

Firstly, you should think carefully before sharing anything online, advises Amanda Perry, an ADHD business coach.

“I see so many people rushing to share a diagnosis with the world, never mind with friends, family and work. It does worry me slightly because as much as we’d like to think we can be loud and proud in sharing this, we have to consider the response from some people who may not have the awareness or understanding needed to respond in the way we expect them to.”

Perry, who was diagnosed with ADHD in 2020 after years of struggling with simple things like keeping on top of payments, was lucky in that she had two other family members who were diagnosed around the same time. She advises sharing your news with people who are closest to you and those who feel the safest at first.

Should you explain how ADHD affects you?

In a word, yes, says Perry.

“My number-one piece of advice is to write down how your ADHD affects you, because you can be sure the minute you get in front of your friend, your mind will go blank,” she says. “Keep a list in your notes app or write down all the ways it impacts you, so that it’s easy to disclose the main ways to the people who you need to share it with. This will stop you clamming up, and would be particularly useful for a conversation with a less understanding boss or HR manager.”

However, don’t forget you don’t always have to explain absolutely everything, says Misra-Sharp.

“Remember, the choice of how much to disclose is entirely yours. Being strategic and considerate about what you choose to share can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections and support, particularly in a professional environment. But always remember that you control your story and the narrative you wish to convey.”

Sharing an ADHD diagnosis can help demystify behaviours for others. Photo / 123RF

How to handle sceptics or counter stereotypes

When you inevitably encounter a sceptic, perhaps an older relative, it can be all too easy to take it personally and react emotionally. Therefore, it often helps to stick to the facts and keep it simple, says Goddard-Crawley.

“Remember, scepticism often reflects their lack of understanding, not the validity of your experience. For instance, if someone says, ‘Everyone has ADHD these days. Isn’t ADHD just an excuse for laziness?’, you could respond by saying, ’ADHD is actually a neurological condition, so it’s not just about being distracted or forgetful – it’s more complex than that’.”

Then, you can go on to personalise things and relate it to your experience, she advises. “You could say, for example, that it’s about how your brain processes information. And although there are some things – perhaps timekeeping, for example – that you might struggle with, with the right strategies, you’re finding ways to work with it, not against it.”

If someone pries too much, politely redirect their questions. “Try saying something along the lines of, ‘I’m still learning about it myself, but I’d be happy to share more once I’ve had time to process’, or, ‘There’s a lot of great information out there if you’re curious – it’s been fascinating to dive into it myself’,” Goddard-Crawley says.

What to say to a friend, family member or colleague who has recently been diagnosed

Firstly, thank them for sharing it with you, says Misra-Sharp. “Acknowledging their openness shows that you respect their vulnerability and appreciate their willingness to share such personal information. It can help them feel supported and valued.”

Next, you could try asking them how it impacts them and what sort of support they need.

“Expressing genuine curiosity about their experience can encourage them to share their feelings and challenges. It demonstrates that you’re interested in their perspective and are willing to listen.”

Offering to help them identify what kind of support they might need (whether it be emotional, practical, or informational) can further strengthen your connection and show that you are there for them, she adds.

What not to say

It’s best to tactfully avoid sweeping statements and generalisations, Goddard-Crawley says.

Avoid saying things along the lines of “Everyone is a bit ADHD though, aren’t they?”, as this totally dismisses the significance of their diagnosis. And don’t push them to justify it or question their diagnosis. Saying things such as, “Are you sure? You’ve always seemed fine to me” is patronising and unhelpful.

Misra-Sharp agrees. “Saying something very general, such as, ‘Everyone gets distracted – it’s not a big deal’, can feel very invalidating. It minimises someone’s experience and struggles. Remember, ADHD is a clinically recognised condition that affects the individual in significant ways.’”

Ultimately, you should respond by listening carefully and openly.

“Responding with curiosity, empathy and non-judgment creates a safe space for open dialogue among friends, family and colleagues. Together, these conversations can challenge misconceptions, foster greater understanding, and hopefully lift the stigma that still surrounds ADHD,” says Misra-Sharp.