WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is suitable for adults only
While the Government has moved to strip “gender, sexuality, and relationship-based education guidelines” from New Zealand’s curriculum, experts and advocates warn men’s sexual wellbeing is at a crisis point because of inadequate education and the ease of access to pornography.
A 2024 Australian study of 4702 people aged 18-35 found 57% had been strangled during sex and 51% had strangled a partner.
Porn was the most common place participants first saw the practice.
Many reported the act occurred without explicit consent, or where prior consent was assumed to apply to future encounters.
A certified sex educator, an adult content creator, and an ex-All Black told the Herald the findings underline why modern-day Aotearoa needs more realistic conversations around sex, not fewer.
Former All Black fullback Matthew Ridge said New Zealand’s reluctance to talk about sex has left the internet doing the teaching.
“Isolation builds shame. These conversations need to be normalised, or they can become a real burden.”
As a father of five, Ridge worries about what his children are learning online.
“If we’re not having the conversations with them, someone else will.
“And let’s be honest, the internet isn’t where you want your kids learning about sex, relationships or how to treat people.
“That’s not education, that’s exposure.”
In 2020, then-Associate Education Minister and New Zealand First MP Tracey Martin introduced the Labour-led Government’s non-compulsory Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE) guidelines, covering topics such as consent, online harm, porn, sexuality and gender identity at age-appropriate levels.
National and New Zealand First’s coalition agreement promised to scrap the guidelines, despite an Education Review Office report last year finding more than 75% of high school leavers felt they hadn’t learnt enough about relationships, consent, or sexuality at school.
A new draft curriculum is now under consultation, but some schools say they’ve been left in the dark on advice.
Sex educator Emma Hewitt said conflating porn with reality has real-world consequences on young people’s perceptions of healthy sexual behaviours.
“There’s this misperception that porn is a form of sex education, right?
“The fact of the matter is, it’s entertainment. It’s definitely not designed to be educating you.”
With two-thirds of 14-17-year-olds in New Zealand admitting they’d seen porn, Hewitt warned that without “porn literacy” – the ability to critique such media through the lens of its production – many young people absorb unrealistic scripts and ideas about bodies, performance and behaviours.
Yet most alarming to her is its connection to the rise in non-consensual choking.
“A lot of it is happening to young people, and it is gendered,” Hewitt said.
“It’s primarily men doing it to women without consent, but the studies are also saying that a lot of women are now going into sexual encounters with people expecting those things to happen, because it’s become so prevalent.”
Hewitt said the Government was doing people “a disservice” by rolling back the guidelines.
“It’s a real shame because our young people aren’t choosing to be misinformed around sex ... It’s the adults who are making those decisions.”
She said some people believe sex education shouldn’t be taught in schools at all, but stressed its purpose is to keep young people safe.
“There’s still that idea that if you talk about sex, then people are going to have sex, which has been disproven in studies so many times.”
OnlyFans content creator Layla Kelly said she receives near-daily messages from Kiwi men struggling with performance anxiety and negative self-image.
“Men are comparing themselves to what they’re seeing on the screen, whether that be their bodies, their stamina or their skills,” she said.
“It’s leaving them feeling a lot of pressure to perform like these actors, rather than actually connecting authentically with their partner.”
Kelly emphasised porn is a fantasy, often filmed out of sequence and heavily edited.
“For a few clicks of the button, you can be watching literally anything on the internet, and there are some extremes that are readily available,” Kelly said.
“[But] it’s not necessarily real life. I think if we view it through that lens, it’s not as damaging or scary.”
Her own approach, which avoids editing her content as much as possible, has had an “overwhelmingly positive” reception.
“We’re so used to seeing super polished, edited, performative content that the real moments, like the laughter or the pauses or the little mess-ups, actually make it feel more intimate than the act of sex itself.”
Hewitt said conversations about media literacy needed to start earlier now the internet is so entwined with young people’s lives.
“We know the algorithms are designed to keep you clicking,” she said.
“People are falling down these rabbit holes of misinformation, bad content, and the Andrew Tates of the world, and it’s going to be really harmful.”
Ridge said communities have a responsibility to shift the narrative and reframe sex education in a positive light.
“I don’t want my kids growing up confused or ashamed, because there aren’t the proper learning tools for them to learn about healthy sexual relationships.
“It’s on us – parents, schools, everyone – to step up and talk about this stuff properly.
“Otherwise, we’re just hoping for the best, and that’s not good enough.”
Tom Rose is an Auckland-based journalist who covers breaking news, specialising in lifestyle, entertainment and travel. He joined the Herald in 2023.
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