When a friend turns into an irritating grumbler, you are faced with a dilemma. Photo / Getty Images
Complaining can foster kinship and establish common ground, but when it becomes excessive, it can annoy listeners and wreck relationships.
There’s complaining. And then there’s complaining.
In its more benign form, complaining between friends can feel beneficial. Light grousing about a mutual foe, for example, can cultivate camaraderie. Grumbling about everyday frustrations such as bad weather, traffic jams or housing costs can be cathartic and validate feelings. What’s more, venting to an empathic listener can make you feel supported if you have an intractable or confounding problem.
Complaining can turn toxic, though, when it’s relentless, humourless or mean-spirited (or all of the above). Then it can be a downer and alienate weary listeners. When the tone of the complaints is angry or self-pitying, you can start to feel resentful and burdened. Complaining can become contagious. You can get caught up in their worries and end up feeling negative too, and down you go in your own spiral. Then you can end up complaining to a third party about how annoyed you are by your friend and repeating the behaviour you dislike.
When a friend turns into an irritating grumbler, you are faced with a dilemma. Do you avoid the person and weaken the friendship or try to confront their behaviour? Your strategy depends in part on how important the relationship is to you.
If the complaining seems new or more intense or about numerous things, ask yourself what may be going on in your friend’s life. Are they struggling to find a job, feuding with a relative or dealing with a health issue?
While this doesn’t necessarily make the complaining less annoying, it may help you feel more sympathetic.
People who are feeling depressed by a life challenge may complain about random problems rather than the main source of their frustration – it’s often easier to complain than to express feelings of vulnerability.
They may be struggling with negativity bias – a tendency to focus on the not-so-great aspects of life – which is associated with stress, depression and anxiety.
If this sounds like your friend, you might offer kind words such as, “Sounds like things have been exasperating lately. What’s bugging you most?” This show of support may soften their frustration and provide them with the sympathy they were seeking.
When your friend has turned into a self-absorbed malcontent, be a less good listener. They might be turning to you repeatedly because you’re empathetic and ask caring questions. If that’s the case, change your behaviour.
When they call to tell you the same things again, such as: “I’m so tired. I just had to work 10 hours … and so and so is such a jerk …. and I hate my in-laws,” listen and say, “That’s rough.” And leave it there. Be the calm, grey rock, to their anxious griping. Or say: “That sounds hard.” And change the subject.
Acknowledge that their situation is challenging and then suggest that they would benefit from the guidance of a real pro.
If it’s a personal issue (like a difficult marriage), for example, explain that a therapist might be able to offer better support. If it’s a work issue (like a stalled job hunt), point out that a career coach could help. If it’s a legal issue, suggest talking with a lawyer. You might add something like, “If I was in a similar situation, that’s the help I would seek.”
By doing this, you are empathising with their plight, yet also subtly indicating that you are reaching your limit and nudging them to be more proactive about their problem.
If the relationship is important to you, be direct.
Some people have no idea how much they are complaining or how irritating it is to listen to them. Say something like, “Hey, are you aware that you’ve been venting a lot lately?” Or “You’ve been talking about this for a while, and I appreciate how difficult it is, but what can you do to change the situation?”
If they are chronically groaning about, say, their workload, or their fatigue, simply ask, in the nicest, most inquisitive tone, “Why are you telling me this?”
This forces the person to examine the reasons for their complaining, explained Robin Kowalski, a professor of psychology at Clemson University, who has written extensively about the psychology of complaining. “They may initially be offended by the question, but it does make them examine why they’re telling you their problems,” she told me in an email exchange. And then hopefully they will modify their behaviour, Kowalski said.
You can also just spend less time with them. If you’ve tried subtle hints or direct feedback and nothing is changing, then be less available or choose to see them in groups, so their complaints will be diluted or diverted by other people’s words. Some people are just complainers; it’s part of their character.
Though complainers can be exhausting, think of them, too, as honest and expressive. The only thing worse than a chronic complainer is a chronic Pollyanna who hides their true feelings behind a mask of sunshine, which can be just as challenging in a friendship.
Lesley Alderman is a psychotherapist based in Brooklyn.