'As soon as you tell people your teen is going travelling, human nature seems to compel them to share multiple horror stories'. Photo / Getty Images
The first night of my daughter’s Interrailing adventure, I slept fitfully. That morning, I’d waved her off cheerfully, with just a tiny twinge of anxiety, as she left for St Pancras for the traditional post-A-levels, month-long backpack around Europe.
That night, in bed, the anxiety had become a roar as I reflected on the fact that, just a few days before, my husband and I were still waiting up for her when she came home from a night out. We’d not yet passed that parental milestone of going to bed without knowing she was home. And now, suddenly, she was in Amsterdam, ranging free, with two friends, getting up to, well, best not to think about it.
At 1am, unable to sleep, I opened my phone and saw that Louisa was still out and about. My mind switched to catastrophe mode and all the awful tales I’ve ever heard about young girls travelling alone. A funny thing: as soon as you tell people your teen is going travelling, human nature seems to compel them to share multiple horror stories about accidents, drink spiking and assault.
Dr Tara Porter is a clinical psychologist and author of You Don’t Understand Me: the Young Woman’s Guide to Life. She points out what a generational shift there has been when it comes to parenting in general.
“A generation ago there was an attitude of benign neglect; parents weren’t as involved in teenagers’ lives, and they just let us get on with it earlier. This generation of parents has tended to oversee everything from their children’s activities to their studies and their UCAS forms, and they see that as very much part of their role, which makes it difficult to then transition to a gap year or interrailing,” she explains.
Certainly, it was different for my generation. My dad remembers how I left for Thailand after my A-levels. I didn’t have a mobile phone, and I didn’t ring home. The most my parents got was an occasional postcard and one of those paper-thin blue folded Airmail letters (remember them?). Thankfully, they never knew about my many scrapes. And – probably no coincidence – they didn’t seem particularly worried.
Nowadays, we are much more intimately connected with our offspring. Before Louisa left, a friend recommended we sign up for the free family location-sharing app, Life360. This sophisticated tool allows you to track each other in real time. It’s a blessing in some respects – at least you know they are alive – but a curse when you open it and it’s 3am and they’re in a techno club in Berlin.
So how to manage the anxiety and let go? It can be easier said than done.
Given that most teenagers now have a smartphone, the risk is that too much interaction can cause anxiety. My friend Annie’s son Jake, who like so many post-A-level kids is also Interrailing this year, recently called her at 5am from Berlin.
“He was lost in the outskirts with no way to find his hostel and was calling to get more data for his phone,” she says. “But I couldn’t get any more data until 8am when Virgin opened. I didn’t hear another word from him after that initial call; his phone went to voicemail and he wasn’t answering texts. I had a hideous morning worrying, until I got a text from one of his mates – as they had finally woken up – to tell me he was safe at his hostel but had since lost his phone!”
When our generation went away, we generally simply couldn’t call our parents to tell them we were in danger – thus sparing them hours of terrible anxiety. It’s enough to make you wonder if perhaps less is more when it comes to contact.
Interestingly, Annie is more worried about her son and his friends than when her elder daughter, Betty, went travelling. “She was way more organised than Jake and his friends. I’ve had to book his tickets, reserve his seats on the train and organise his packing. I’m just worried they’ll do something stupid, like jump off a cliff or take some massive risk.”
One friend even had to fly to Thailand on a rescue mission when her son had a serious scooter accident.
So far, Louisa and her friends have only had one mishap – well, at least one that I know about. Not having reserved their train from Berlin to Prague, they had to take a coach instead, arriving at 2am. I offered a hotel, but they persuaded their Airbnb owner to leave them a key. As a friend wryly noted, “In the old days, they’d have just slept on the platform.”
One question is, is it safer that parents are in touch and able to help out? Or would it be better for our kids to manage their mishaps on their own? Dr Porter points out that it’s important that parents work on their own anxiety so that they can allow their teens to learn from their mistakes and make that important transition to adulthood.
“Over the years, you will hopefully have already talked to them about the dangers that are out there and given them those streetsmart skills,” she says. “You don’t want your anxiety to be used as a control mechanism, like insisting that they phone you or behave in a way that they are likely to resent.”
Dr Porter advises talking to a friend and writing down your worries as a way to examine whether your concerns are rational or unhelpful. “Let your child know that they can call you if there is a problem, at any time of day or night, but then set them free to travel, meet new people and perform the necessary separation step in their development that is happening here,” she says.
A couple of weeks into my daughter’s trip, I’ve experienced the gentle and natural process of letting go. I’m in touch with the other kids’ mums and we share helpful tips and advice. I’ve found that technology, used sensitively, is reassuring for both of us. One of Louisa’s friends set up a WhatsApp group for all of them and all of us parents, and as they’ve travelled around, they’ve volunteered many joyful pictures of their amazing trip. From larking about in art galleries to sunbathing by municipal pools, to stunning scenery and architecture, to the new friends they’re making along the way, it is wonderful to witness the fun they are having, and the lifelong memories they are making.
For my part, I’ve actively resisted asking for photos and phone calls, and so the other day I was surprised and delighted when I got an entirely unsolicited phone call for a chat. Most of the time I’ve started sleeping better, too.