As a relationship therapist, I know how traumatic it can be when an apparent liaison, like the kiss cam couple, has been discovered.
What happened to the Coldplay “kiss-cam” couple might seem a spectacularly stupid way to be allegedly caught cheating, but it’s actually something I know about first-hand. Not in my work as a relationship and sex therapist, but from my student days many years ago.
I attended a demonstration with a boy who was very much not my boyfriend. And without our knowing, our hand holding and potentially even kissing, was caught on camera and shown on the TV news that evening.
The problem was he already had a girlfriend. And while she didn’t see the footage herself, others did.
Still, it’s very unusual to be caught out so publicly.
While no one knows exactly what was going on with Coldplay kisscam couple – it might have been innocent – professionally, I’ve learnt over many years that most affairs aren’t actually a shock to their partners; there have usually been issues or conversations that have taken place as the relationship has deteriorated.
I always encourage people who come and see me to communicate how they were feeling before infidelity ever became reality. It may sound surprising but some couples do find that an open relationship works really well, what’s important is that they know what’s going on. When it comes completely out of the blue it can be a lot more devastating.
When you’re young like I was, there aren’t the same thoughts and considerations needed about children and family. How infidelity impacts children makes it so much more devastating and complicated.
Of course, it is entirely possible to have an affair and not hurt anybody. But that only happens when no one ever finds out.
After infidelity being exposed, the sensation that the aggrieved partner most often feels is embarrassment. Unfortunately, more often than not, being made to feel stupid can make them react in a more extreme way.
In my experience seeing thousands of couples over the years, so many people who embark on them do so out of naivety. They are often opportunistic.
Busy lives and problems at home can make it easy to get into an extra-marital work relationship. It usually starts with one person offloading their problems to the other, and before they know it they feel very drawn to each other.
Technology has also changed the speed at which affairs can become serious. There are lots more ways to be unfaithful than there once were and texting makes people feel they have more of a connection quickly, which can soon escalate to being physical.
Of course, you also have the type of person who has affairs all the time. They tend to have a deep-rooted fear of loss and rejection, and so they always have a spare one on the go.
A workplace romance is so much more full of jeopardy, with so many more people with the potential to be implicated.
In my experience it is the woman who usually says: “Hang on, where is this going?” The men find themselves stuck in something they didn’t mean to get into.
And then there’s the lying. People can become staggeringly good at it. So much so that they can become abusive. They will gaslight their suspicious partner and make them think they’re going mad.
Quite often people come to me in therapy and say: “I didn’t think I was that type of person.”
When an affair gets heavy, the cheating partner might even think, ‘Oh my goodness what I have done?’ It’s not unusual for them to then want their partner to find out so they can bring the situation to a head.
Because work relationships are often accidental, there may well be a way back for the couples involved. Either way, they will probably want to consider therapy. Or some way to organise the conversations, because they do tend to get out of control.
There isn’t a template for this. In fact, what ends the relationship quite often is not what the unfaithful person did, but how the partner responds. Sometimes they just can’t stop punishing the one who had the affair.
Whatever the specific circumstances of the affair, remember, there are no quick conversations where you can fix the situation. It’s a process, and it’s a painful one.
The apology
Most partners will expect an apology at the start. Whether you also promise not to do it ever again depends on whether there is too much damage and if you are likely to go your separate ways. Either way, the person who has cheated should resist saying much more than that, even if your partner pressures them for the full story.
They often want to know how long it’s been going on. Whether you were secretly having an affair all the time on that lovely family holiday. They will want to hear all the details, but once they’ve heard them, they can’t unhear them.
I’ve known aggrieved partners to beg for details. Some people go on and on about it until their partner ends up making stuff up just to satisfy their partner’s needs.
All of this will make it a lot harder to move on and rebuild as a couple if that’s what you choose to do further down the road.
For many wronged partners, finding out their relationship isn’t what they thought it was is a very real trauma.
But at some point, if you want to stay together, you have to let it go – and some people can’t. It’s not unusual for the person who had the affair to end up being in an abusive relationship themselves, as the aggrieved partner goes around telling everyone. They can become so fuming they throw caution to the wind, and do silly things like cutting up credits cards and clothes.
If at all possible, sit down and discuss how you want to approach the situation. Sometimes people will want to keep it between the two of them and be very grown up in order to keep the family together, but that doesn’t stop them suffering. It’s quite common for the aggrieved partner to say they are unable to forgive but they would like to move on.
When they say they will never forgive, it can actually knock their partner out of their complacency and make their relationship a whole lot better in the future because they both know how bad things can be. There is no forgiveness, instead they are making a new relationship from scratch. That can work really well.
Telling the kids
Sometimes you don’t have the choice to keep the infidelity private. Where this is the case, sit down as a couple. You need to look like you can talk to each other and get on, rather than crying all over the place and throwing things at each other.
Ideally, explain that sometimes adults make really bad decisions. Say: “I’m really sorry. Talk to us if you find people are talking about it at school”. If there’s any question that the relationship is going to split, and the children are worried, do not say everything is going to be okay. They’ll develop trust issues. You have to say, “We’re working on this”.
Sometimes it’s helpful to tell children if you are intending to go to therapy, and that you are planning to work on the relationship. Explain that you took your eye off the ball. It’s a good life lesson. Reassure your children that they are loved and apologise for any heartache they’ve been caused.
A lot of people have the idea that this is grown-up stuff and they don’t need to talk to their children about it. But how do you know? Take the conversation slowly and see how they’re responding. If they’re saying it’s fine and closing it down, then they do think it’s for adults. But even then, I’d say, “if you’ve got any questions, come back to us”. Whatever happens, make clear that they are your priority.
Facing colleagues at work
This is probably only relevant if you have had a workplace romance, and in such a case, you might have no choice about how it is dealt with as HR may become involved. Some companies have ‘no relationship’ clauses in their contracts. You’re in serious trouble if they do.
Be aware that your colleagues will respond in different ways. You might find some people respond with slaps on the back and think it’s a hoot, but there will also be people not talking to you because they think you’ve behaved outrageously.
Either way, you are going to have to speak to your line manager, so you don’t make any comments that endanger your position at work.
Decisions have to be made about how the relationship will continue. If you’ve agreed to end the affair, there will have to be conversations about how you respond to one another at work and how much disruption it’s going to cause. In my experience, I find that it’s usually women, or the person with the lower-paid job who ends up moving on from the shared workplace.
Cate Campbell is a BACP accredited sex, relationship, and trauma therapist.