Captain Corelli's Mandolin

By PETER CALDER

(Herald rating: * )

A confession: I reached page 20 of the sumptuously overwritten Louis de Bernieres novel on which this film is loosely based before throwing it aside for fear the treacly prose would put me into a diabetic coma.

But I am assured that devotees of the book will find plenty to complain about. Virtually shorn of its dark, political subtext, it makes a movie that stumbles, lurches and stutters interminably along, discarding some characters and events, inventing others and trying the challenging task of being a simple love story while remaining scrupulously devoid of romantic chemistry.

Much - if not most - of the problem resides in the woeful miscasting in the title role of Nicolas Cage, a man who plays neurotics and psychotics to perfection but doesn't cut it as a romantic hero from Italy.

Making matters worse is his dodgy Italian accent. ("We are Italians-a: we drink-a; we eat-a; we make-a love-a" he announces when his Army unit lands on the island of Cephallonia as an occupying force in the Second World War.)

Corelli, who carries the titular mandolin in his battered rucksack as he marches into the town square, soon has eyes for the village beauty Pelagia (Cruz), the dutiful daughter of the leathery town doctor (Hurt). But she's betrothed to Mandras (an equally miscast Bale), a brooding communist partisan who glowers and sweats a lot.

The film's real star is the island, which would look ravishing shot through a Box Brownie by a blind dog, so that's no credit to director Madden (Shakespeare in Love, Mrs Brown). But the actors, hampered by Shawn Slovo's clunky script, act as if underwater.

Pelagia and Corelli are meant to be falling in love but, even in serenade mode, Cage acts as though she's in the next town and expected back any day, while Cruz (who can be an actress of genuine class; refer Almodovar's All About My Mother) pouts and droops, doing housework in $500 frocks.

Only Hurt, who peers into the middle distance through crinkled eyes as he dispenses healing and wisdom seems aware of what a colossally misjudged joke the entire undertaking is.

The film sputters briefly into life in the final reel. The Germans bombard the island and allegiances shift as the Italians and Greeks briefly share a common enemy. Madden is more at home here, dealing with bloodsoaked action, though the film glosses over the partisans' historical excesses.

But as a love story it's about as romantic as a stubbed toe. Cruz's winsome downcast gaze looks suspiciously like a reluctance to make eye contact with the whole disastrous mess.

Cast: Nicolas Cage, Penelope Cruz, John Hurt, Christian Bale

Director: John Madden

Running time: 128 mins

Rating: R13 (violence)

Screening: Village, Hoyts, Berkeley cinemas