They think calling everything "bum", "penis" and "vagina" is hilarious.
I have assured them repeatedly it isn't. I have always kept a straight face using those words. No nicknames. I want them to be comfortable using those words when necessary and for it not to be a big deal.
In an attempt not to give it power, I tried not to get grumpy with the potty talk, figuring it would end when the novelty wore off. But it didn't.
So I pulled them up on it repeatedly. I sent them to their rooms and to time outs. I warned and growled and snapped. I took precious toys away.
Lately, I have been sending them to their rooms to go and get the potty talk out in there where no one else needs to hear it.
Just days before my girl got in trouble at school I had said to the kids - not for the first time - that it isn't just me who doesn't want to hear the Potty Talk, it is other adults too and sooner or later another adult will tell them off and it will embarrass them.
So I'm standing in the cloak bay with my nearly seven-year-old, who is looking down and clutching at her bag straps waiting for what's coming, when her teacher tells me he had to speak to the girls in the class about appropriate behaviour, because he found this letter to her friend, which is in my girl's handwriting and potty talk-style.
Honey, you spelled penis wrong. Photo / Supplied.
Honey, you spelled penis wrong and that is incorrect use of an apostrophe. Have I taught you nothing?
And behind the letter, stapled together by the teacher was this picture, complete with triangular penis detail.
She claimed her friend had written it and tried to copy her "y"s.
My little girl, my first child, tried to throw her best friend under the bus with an elaborate lie not even I would think up!
Behind the letter, stapled together by the teacher was this picture, complete with triangular penis detail. Photo / Supplied
In my entire life as a school mum, l have never been so embarrassed.
And not just for the grammatical errors.
"Well, this is exactly what I have been talking about, isn't it? I told you guys you would get in trouble with another adult and be embarrassed."
"I'm not embarrassed," she said, defiantly.
Excuse me?! You should be, Little Lady!
My girl, who has always behaved well at school, stood there and staunched out me and two teachers.
Then, when I asked her if she was going to use those words again, down there at my waist height, looking up at three tall adults - the kid has no fear - she said: "I don't know."
Her kind teacher made her apologise to me, which we had to force out of her. Then, I made her apologise to the two teachers, which we also had to force out and then we went home where I had to deal with things properly.
I couldn't sleep that night, I woke feeling exhausted the next day, like I was going to cry at any moment.
I fell asleep when our baby (almost 1) fell asleep around midday and I very rarely sleep in the day time, then fell asleep at 9pm that night.
I was emotionally spent. Stunned at my own child's behaviour and exhausted by my own failings as a parent.
I thought back to times my own mum had to deal with the fallout from things I had done.
I had always considered the embarrassment factor, but never the emotional expense.
I went next door to share the shameful happenings with my neighbour, who happened to have her mum visiting. My neighbour is one of four adult kids each with their own children. Her mum assured me it was just "kids being kids" and said it would all blow over, but offered some advice:
"I'd brace yourself," she said. "Because it won't be the last time it happens."
