Ask the experts: Should I leave my husband because of this?

What do you do if your partner won't show you where their money is going? Photo / 123RF

Opinion

Hi Nic & Verity, I have been married for 20+ years. My husband has never shown me a wage slip or his bank account. Over the last 2 years this is really bothering me. I gave him an ultimatum if he didn't come clean where his money went we were done. He gave me a quick access then blocked it (saying it was internet security) I left the family home 7 months ago. But he still won't show me - do I call it a day once and for all? - Belinda

Dear Belinda,

It's hard to know how to advise you because there's likely a lot more going on here than this one issue. If every other aspect of your relationship was perfect, but your husband had this one weird foible where he didn't share his financial information with you, it would not be wise grounds for divorce. However, if that refusal to share his information is the "straw that broke camel's back", then it makes sense for that it might be a deal-breaker.

It sounds like your husband never having shown you a wage slip or his bank account statements wasn't an issue for many years. That makes us think that you slipped into some behaviours around money and finances in your marriage with little thought or discussion about them. We all grow up in families with their own particular "culture" or approach to money and finances. Some of us automatically or consciously adopt the approach to money and finances we grew up with, others may react against what we did not like about our parent's financial culture.

We wonder what happened around two years ago that you started to be bothered by your husband keeping his financial information to himself? Was there a change in you, or his behaviour, or both?

If the change was in you, what caused it? Did your circumstances change (e.g. kids going to school or leaving home, loss of a parent) in a way that caused you to re-evaluate your life? Did you realise that there was a long-standing inequity or dissatisfaction in the relationship? Did you start to wonder why you had been so accepting of doing things "his way"?

Think about what factors affected or created your desire to change the rules in your relationship around financial disclosure. Then consider the manner and tone in which you communicated that desire to your partner. Did you give him all the background of what you were thinking and invite him to help you solve the problem? Or did you come out with a peremptory demand that his behaviour of 18 years should change, with no rationale and no discussion? Did the way you talked and acted around his spending (e.g. if you were critical or controlling) contribute to his desire for privacy?

If the change was in your partner, what was it you noticed, and how did you interpret it? Did he become more distant or more demanding or involved with work? Did you decide it meant he didn't care about you, wasn't interested in you, or was acting against your best interests?

If you went down that kind of road in your thinking, it's worth considering if your interpretation of his behaviour is accurate or if there might be other explanations. For example, people often complain, "S/he doesn't care about me", when their partner is simply overwhelmed. We would again encourage you to consider how you shared your concerns with him? Did you talk about the broader picture of your experience of him in the relationship and how it affected you? Or did you complain and make a stand about this one issue?

We must acknowledge that control over finances and information is one of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. We hope that is not the case, but that could be a good reason to end the relationship. It is unsafe to be in a relationship where you are structurally disempowered, and the other person is using control to keep you that way. If you're unsure if this applies to you, have a look at an online description like this and see whether you've been putting up with things you shouldn't.

If that's not relevant to you, then, before you decide your relationship is over, we would encourage you to have a deeper and more nuanced conversation with your husband. Try and explore the origins of the disagreement by answering the kinds of questions in the previous paragraphs.

From your end, talk with your husband about what his decision to keep his finances private means to you. Do you fear that he is doing things with his money that violate your relationship contract (like using sex workers or keeping a mistress, gambling at casinos or on the stock market)? Alternatively, does it represent a lack of trust in you that you find unfair or offensive? Or maybe it's depriving you of the ability to make informed choices in your life because you are uncertain about your collective financial situation. For example, you don't know if you can afford to go on a holiday or buy a new sofa.

At the same time, we would encourage you to explore what keeping his finances private means to him. Does it represent freedom when he feels constrained in every other area of his life? Perhaps he came from a very controlling family where everything he did was under intense scrutiny? Or maybe he came from extreme poverty and has a deep fear of being robbed or left destitute. Given you are frustrated and hurt by his choice, it may be difficult for you to put those feelings aside and convince him that you want to hear what this issue means for him.

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

If you can't have this kind of intimate exploration of an issue, if your relationship has never operated that way, we would encourage you to find out if that's possible for your two. That may be much more central to your difficulties than the specific issue about financial information.

Sadly many of us don't have skills for or good experiences with raising tricky and uncomfortable topics with our partners. There are many guidelines available on the internet for free (e.g. there's a whole section on the Gottman Institute website) if you want to try and do it differently. If it seems impossible for the two of you, you might want to try therapy with a couples expert before you decide to give up on the relationship.

The fact that you have been separated for seven months, with all the pain that entails, mean it's important you try something soon, before you have both given up and "moved on".

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.