Your problem is one of the most common presenting issues in our practice. We usually find that, if handled well, working through differences over desire can lead to valuable growth and change in the relationship in general. The trick is to use a productive lens.
Unfortunately, many unhelpful ideas are floating around about what desire differences mean. A common mistake is to view the lower-desire person in the relationship as the problem and assume the high-desire partner is “normal”. Yet both people will likely have complicated reasons for their level of motivation for sex – with aspects that are positive and others that are anxiety-driven and restrictive.
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Now we’re empty nesters, how do I ask my wife about an open marriage? - July 4
My partner and I got together and had kids young. We’ve always joked about our lack of sexual experience with others but now the kids are older and have left home, it’s become a real issue for me. I have no desire to break up our marriage or hurt my wife, but I am jealous of the sexual freedom I hear others having. My wife is open-minded but I can’t imagine how to bring this topic up with her. - Mark
Dear Mark,
Despite the cultural shift toward more acceptance of “consensual non-monogamy” (CNM), it is still tricky to bring up as it can readily trigger a threat and defence response. Expect to need to reassure your wife that raising this does not stem from a rejection of her; it’s not that she’s “not sexy enough” or that you find her boring or unattractive. Instead, it’s a yearning for freedom to have sexual experiences with other people. Stress that it is about “adding something in”, not moving away from her.
To be productive, it will require courage and careful preparation for the first of these conversations. Do expect it to require a series of discussions and make that clear to your wife. Show understanding for her distress if you are questioning the monogamous foundation of your relationship when she is not. It can throw someone and shake up their world when you are raising a new idea that seems so foreign and threatening to them.
CNM is a complex issue to navigate, there are many pitfalls, and we are surprised how many people go into this territory without doing their research.
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Can men and women just be friends? I don’t want my husband touching anyone else - August 15
My husband thinks it’s okay to have a close working relationship with a colleague who is slightly older than him because they are similar in age.
He said he feels he can’t talk or be friends with other women because of me. In all honesty, I don’t mind him talking to other women but I don’t believe any form of intimacy, emotional or touch, is appropriate with the opposite sex, as it’s heading to the line that gets blurred and crossed.
I feel I’ve been a dedicated wife and mother and need to feel I’m my husband’s number one - which I often haven’t. He has improved his attention recently, admittedly ... Am I being unreasonable? - Susan
Dear Susan,
You’re not being unreasonable; your concerns make perfect sense. However, you may be looking at this through the wrong lens. It sounds like you are in danger of turning an opportunity for exploration and intimacy into a question of who is “right” - and that’s nearly always a lose/lose situation in a relationship. Attachment expert Dr Stan Tatkin once said, “You can be right, or you can be in a relationship. Pick one.”
What you are describing is a very typical boundary issue. At its most basic, “boundary” is jargon for “what’s okay for me and what’s not okay for me”. You and your spouse disagree about where to set the boundary around contact with the opposite sex. And this kind of disagreement is entirely ordinary and necessary. The issue is not a matter of certain behaviours being an objective cause for worry, it’s about what you two mutually decide is acceptable in your relationship.
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DIY divides marriage - ‘I want a husband, not a fortune’ - April 25
My husband and I have been together since our early 20s. We bought our home together while we were both still working. We both wanted me to stay at home to look after our kids and we now have two energetic boys of 4 & 6. Geoff is very handy and over a year ago we bought a second property as a “do up”. Now I never see him ... I’m sick of being a solo mum and want to sell the property as is. He thinks I’m crazy and that we’d be giving away our financial future. I’m wondering if we have a future together. I want a husband, not a fortune. Am I being unreasonable? - Laveni
Hello Laveni,
It may be that neither of you is being unreasonable, but it appears you have different priorities. While it may seem like you are arguing over “How much money do we need?” or “How much time together is enough?” your primary issue is “How do we resolve our differences”?
It’s common for couples to have one person who is more focused on the long-term (making sure there is enough money for the family later, for retirement) and one who is more focused on the present (are we living the way we want to this month, this year?). Harnessed right, this is the kind of difference that makes for a great team ... What you need now is a mechanism that lets you resolve those competing points of view in a way both of you buy into the final decision.
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Should I leave my husband because of his secrecy over money? - February 14
I have been married for 20+ years. My husband has never shown me a wage slip or his bank account. Over the last 2 years this is really bothering me. I gave him an ultimatum if he didn’t come clean where his money went we were done. He gave me a quick access then blocked it (saying it was internet security) ... do I call it a day once and for all? - Belinda
Dear Belinda,
It’s hard to know how to advise you because there’s likely a lot more going on here than this one issue. If every other aspect of your relationship was perfect, but your husband had this one weird foible where he didn’t share his financial information with you, it would not be wise grounds for divorce. However, if that refusal to share his information is the “straw that broke camel’s back”, then it makes sense for that it might be a deal-breaker.
We wonder what happened around two years ago that you started to be bothered by your husband keeping his financial information to himself? Was there a change in you, or his behaviour, or both?
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