"I see his distinctive sports car parked on a side street near my house ... while he claims to be travelling for work." Photo / Paul Brooks
New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: A woman with whom I have been friendly for 20 years lives with her husband a mile away from me. Her husband uses a house in my neighbourhood that he inherited from his grandparents as a home office. For two years, this woman has lamented to me about her husband’s demanding schedule of work travel. He’s at home only on weekends. The problem: I see his distinctive sports car parked on a side street near my house and clear signs of life at his grandparents’ house at all hours while he claims to be travelling for work. I know he’s not out of town, and I feel sad that he lies to my friend about where he is. Should I tell her what he’s up to? — TRUTH TELLER
A: I would invite you to reconsider this story. It seems unlikely to me that this woman needs you to tell her that her husband, who has claimed to be on week-long business trips for years, is actually staying at his home office a mere mile away and parking his distinctive car right on the street. It’s more plausible to me that she already knows these easily discovered facts and simply chooses not to discuss her marital arrangements with you. Or perhaps she isn’t yet ready to confront the issue herself.
I don’t think you would be doing her any favours by sharing your observations with her. In my experience, it is not necessary — and, in fact, it’s often unwise — to tell people everything we know simply because we know it. Friendship requires greater discernment than that.
Now, if I am mistaken, and you are closer to this woman than your letter suggests — “a woman with whom I have been friendly” does not scream BFF to me — or if you continue to believe that the wife is being bamboozled by her husband’s week-long stays in plain sight, then follow your conscience and tell her. But personally, I would stay out of the nuts and bolts of her marriage until she solicits your input.
Q: At a wedding recently, I told my 16-year-old granddaughter that her 35-year-old cousin was adopted — like her. My granddaughter ran to her cousin and started a conversation. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but there was laughter and smiling. The next day, my daughter-in-law told me that the cousin wondered how I knew she was adopted and why I told my granddaughter. I had no idea it was confidential! I apologised to my daughter-in-law. Should I apologise to her cousin, too? — GRANDMOTHER
A: I would. Adoption can be a sensitive subject — whether a person is 16, 35 or 80. And surely you don’t need to be explicitly told that personal matters are confidential and to use discretion about repeating them to others. You spoke out of turn, and you should apologise to the person whom you accidentally offended.
Now, I understand why you told your granddaughter: you were trying to make a girl you love feel more comfortable with her own adoption. That seems like a pretty good reason to me! You might mention this to the cousin — not as an excuse but as the context for your statement.
Q: I was happy in my apartment until a month ago, when a new neighbour moved in. He plays music and television through an amplified sound system that I hear clearly in my apartment at all hours — even at 4am. I have complained to the building’s management company several times, and they have asked him to stop. But he doesn’t! It’s affecting my sleep and makes me feel on edge in my home. I am a woman living alone, and I don’t feel comfortable going to speak to my neighbour myself. Advice? — NEIGHBOUR
A: Showing your new neighbour for himself how disruptive his sound system is may be the easiest solution here — assuming he is a reasonable person. Could a friend or a building employee accompany you to his apartment to ask him to listen to the noise that he is subjecting you to?
If not, speak to the building manager in person. Ask that he or she create an action plan for your noise complaints, including fines or possible eviction of your neighbour. If the manager is unwilling to create consequences for your neighbour, ask to be relocated in the building or consider moving. Without the cooperation of others, there can be no lasting solution here.
Q: I started playing mahjong with a person who is new in town. I have included her in games (and recommended a local surgeon to her). To thank me, she gave me a new bag for my mahjong tiles. The problem: I don’t like it. But if I don’t use it, she will notice. How should I handle this? — PLAYER
A: I would stop worrying about it, if you can. You did a couple of nice turns for your new friend, and she thanked you with a token of appreciation. It would be terrific if you loved the mahjong bag, but not every gift will be a winner. Still, your friend accomplished her goal: to thank you. So keep using the bag you like and keep including your friend in games, and I predict that everything will turn out fine.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
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