Horowhenua's Whānau Resilience programme offers couples path out of violence

Participants and staff of Horowhenua's first Whānau Resilience course.

Whānau Resilience, a family violence programme run by Raukawa Whānau Ora in Levin, has hit the nail on the head. Four couples who have struggled with violence throughout their lives recently spent a few days away from home in nature with managers, social workers, and each other to figure out how to best break that habit.

The Horowhenua Chronicle was privileged to have a few hours with them that weekend and hear some of their stories and the progress they have been making. Without revealing who said what, here is an insight into their leap forward into peace and harmony.

The crucial ingredient in this programme is the fact that Whānau Resilience is focusing on couples doing this together. A long-held view by whaea Karen Webster that the solution must be culturally appropriate and include all those involved in violent behaviour, has finally come home to roost, and roost successfully.

Four couples are breaking the habit of fighting and screaming at each other.

All couples involved have been handpicked for this course, because they have all reached the end of the road and could see the need for change. Whānau Resilience is giving them the tools to resolve their issues, be better partners, and parents, and give many a woman the opportunity to truly discover themselves at long last.

"I have been a partner and mum since I was 15. I really do not know who I am," said one young woman. "I am always the one who makes sure everyone is okay, without giving any thought to myself."

Whānau Resilience is not only giving the tools they need, but is instrumental in forging friendship between people from a similar background. "It is great to see we are not the only ones struggling. We can relate to each other's stories."

The couples also felt welcome with the team around them. "They really want to help and none of them judge us. This is an awesome journey to be on," said one of the guys. "I used to just hide away. I was ashamed of who I am and how I lived and didn't know how to change that, however much I wanted to."

Violence, hatred and judgment had been part and parcel of their lives ever since they can remember, and when they became partners, parents and even grandparents, this pattern just continued.

"I just do not want to live like that anymore."

"I am doing it for the [grand] kids."

"Having my babies uplifted was a big shock."

"You were never good enough, no matter what."

These blokes decided there was a better way to be a partner and a dad.

"My older kids have seen all the bad stuff and because of that one of my boys would only let me see my two-year-old grandson for brief visits because he didn't really trust me with him," said one of the women.

At least one of the guys said he came from a Once Were Warriors-type household. "We were a damaged family with gang connections. We didn't know how to show love."

Having kids or even grandchildren was reason enough for most to see the end of this road. They wanted better lives and a future for their tamariki. "I made the choice to try and fix it myself. I wanted to help my kids get out of the situation I had out them in. I went looking for help. I now know I am not the only one and that many others are looking for change."

The result of the programme, which provides a four-year wrap-around service, so far are amazing.

"Balance is back in my life, I am doing things right and that makes you content. I make the time to make my kids breakfast now.

"We have got a positive future to look forward to."

"My wife and I used to argue loudly at least eight hours a day. Now that is down to 20 minutes."

So what is the secret?

"I tried for four years and did a few programmes, but found that the Māori element was missing," said one. "And that just wasn't me."

Many participants of Whānau Resilience have done other courses and programmes before, some of it being forced upon them. Most were for men or women only, none were for couples and not all participants were ready to change at that time.

There were clear rules from the start with Whānau Resilience. There was also a safety net, such as everything is confidential and there was a high level of trust within the group and all were highly motivated.

"I was sick of the way we used to be."

"The tutors do this willingly and it is for the whole family, not just one person. So many will benefit from this."

Several of the couples have six kids or more and some are grandparents.

The wahine toa of Whānau Resilience can see a way forward out of violent relationships.

They said the programme is helping them to change their routine, find out what they are good at and what helps them work on things they are not doing so well. They have realised only they themselves could break the cycle and for some, it may take a generation or two for their extended whānau to be free from violence.

As one phrased it: "We are rewiring ourselves."

Others said things like: "We learned that you can love yourself and be proud of yourself."
"I am leaving here better that when I arrived."

"We can now talked about things together without screaming."

Those that walk beside them in Whānau Resilience are Tama Paki, Jack Paki, George Davis, Amos Telea and Karen Webster, and Karen Taui.

Whaea Karen Webster is chuffed her long-cherished dream from years ago has finally come to fruition and not only that: it is actually working.

She said the programme is the first of its kinds in Horowhenua and it is a one-stop shop from Raukawa Whanau Ora to help families break the cycle of violence, learn to compromise and bring home a different perspective, doing this together.

"They learn how to live without violence and enjoy each other's company."

She said a young academic had taken her ideas from 11 years ago and turned it into a plan. Until then, no one dared to take the plunge with it.

"This was a dream of mine for so long," she said. "And I am so glad it works."

The original plan was to take the weekend away at a local marae but Covid-19 restrictions put a stop to that, so they opted for a lodge in the bush about two hours from home. The end of the weekend was celebrated with a hakari for which everyone dressed up.

All participants were excited to share some of their journey and did not hesitate to put their hearts on the table, which reflects their excitement at the progress made thus far.
There was a calm, positive attitude at the weekend with more than one hint of relief and even delight that the dark clouds that hung over their lives are finally beginning to lift.

There appears little room for doubt in their minds that the turnaround they are now making will stall. Perhaps next year they will share more.