* Warning: This story contains satire.
Have you heard the news? Don't be alarmed if you haven't. In fact, you shouldn't have heard the news. Because we're boycotting it.
That's right. We're taking the power back! We're sticking it to the man! We're showing TV3 who's boss! We're ... turning off the telly?
Hmm ... wouldn't it have been better to boycott in summer when the evenings are pleasant? Boycotting in winter when it's rainy and miserable out is a bit bloody stupid innit?
Regardless, you asked for the news, not the weather. Which is a pity. Because I can't talk about the news. We're boycotting it. The weather? It's rubbish.
There's a lot of rubbish on the telly too. Have you noticed? Especially weeknights, around 7pm.
Didn't use to be this way. Used to be some guy with plastic hair, long vowels and an obsession with getting all up in people's business and banging on about some disaster or other had a show.
I forget his name. It's been a couple of weeks. James Cameron, I think. Whatevs. Doesn't matter. He's yesterday's news.
But he's the reason we're boycotting today's news.
The big cheeses at TV3 didn't like him or the cut of his dad's suit so they fired his sorry ass. And we, as a people - nay as a movement - didn't like that at all.
As an aside I have to say it was the most glacial sacking I've ever seen. Six weeks it took!
Shoulda done it like a plaster and yanked the sucker off in one go. Woulda hurt for a second but that woulda been the end of it. Done.
Instead, they went and made a big bloody drama out of it. Didn't they know TV2 already screens one of those at 7pm?
As a soap Cameron: Live showed potential. It had people you could root for, it had evil villains, and, in the form of roving reporter Muhammad Ali, it had lols. The host had a tendency to overact, but all new soaps have teething problems.
But we're supposed to be talking about the news. Or not talking about the news? I'm not entirely sure how it works. The rules of the boycott are a bit fuzzy. There's not even a Facebook page.
What I do know is that TV3 can bloody well go and get stuffed. Not content with killing credible news in this country they're pouring insult in our wounds by announcing plans to air a cooking show in the slot where our news used to be. The poor joker hosting that is going to get roasted alive.
Listen, TV3, you can't fire the only credible newsman in the whole entire country and not expect repercussions.
We've got choice. You're not the only channel on the box. You're the third. How do you not know this? It's right there in your name!
From now on we're watching the other guys. They break important stories too. Just this week they broke the story that one of their newsreaders is preggo and followed that up with the scoop that another newsreader - or possibly the same one, they all look the same - is getting hitched.
They've got us covered for current affairs too. On Seventh Shart their cheery host Mick Hucknall regularly reassures us that, "It's all good!". Makes a nice change from your bloody whingeing, that's for sure.
Yep, the boycott is working out pretty well. I'm feelin' happy and I ain't worried about a thing.
So here's some breaking news for Mike McRonaldMcDonald and Hillary Clinton to read: TV3, we don't want your news!
Here's something Newsworthy for David Farrar and Samantha Fox to report: from now on we're finding our own cat videos on the internet!
Here's a scoop I'm leaking to Patsy Growler: We're boycotting the f**ken news!
Yeah! Power to the people! Viva la remote! In the fightin' words of glam rockers Twisted Sister, "We're not gonna take it!"
The only sure-fire way to show TV3 how much we love serious news is to no longer watch any of their serious news shows. That'll learn them for not listening to us, for ignoring our online petition, for not doing what we want.
If the side effect of this news boycott is that it completely proves management's short-sighted and foolhardy belief that no one watches serious news, then so be it.
If TV3 then uses those low ratings to justify canning all their serious news shows, well, that's a price I'm prepared to pay to prove to them just how much I love serious news shows.
You better believe this boycott is serious. It's big news. I only hope there's someone around to report it.
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