Suzanne Paul with her husband, Patrick Kuhtze . Photo / Supplied.
New Zealand’s favourite infomercial queen Suzanne Paul has been trying to get married for the past couple of years, but the two times she planned her nuptials, Covid lockdowns got in the way.
Finally, she and partner Patrick Kuhtze decided that the only thing to do was to run away.
An elopement with all the old-fashioned trimmings of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice was called for and a marriage ceremony at the infamous Gretna Green in Scotland was decided upon.
“Patrick said one day, ‘I can’t plan all this again, we should just run away and get married,’” says Suzanne. “Some friends had run away and got married in Las Vegas, but Patrick didn’t think that was us. Then it dawned on me – Gretna Green!”
Patrick had not heard of the village, which attracted British couples who were unable to get married under the age of 21 without parental consent after the Clandestine Marriages Act was passed in 1753. In Scotland, it was still legal to marry without parental consent and also happened to be the first village in Scotland on the road from London.
But running away to Gretna Green to get married was not quite as easy as it was for Lydia Bennet in Pride and Prejudice (who never actually made it to Gretna Green).
You can’t just turn up there now and say, ‘Here we are!’” explains Suzanne.
“The paperwork took several months and Patrick had to do more than me, not being born in the United Kingdom. He ended up having to go twice to immigration here and apply for a fiancé's permit.”
Meanwhile, Suzanne had to deal with all her different names.
“My birth name was Susan Barnes and when I got married the first time, I was Susan Kilworth. So that was a marriage certificate and a divorce certificate. Then I changed my name to Suzanne Kilworth for a long time, so that was another certificate. Then I got married again and became Suzanne… What was my second husband’s name?” she laughs.
“Wilson! Then I had a wedding certificate and a divorce certificate for that. And then I changed it again, by deed poll to Suzanne Paul. So, there were all these certificates.”
Patrick has also been married twice before, so he had to get all his certificates in order, and then there was a certificate of no impediment to be signed by their friends and police checks.
“Finally, we were all booked and then a week before we were due to fly out, I had a letter from the Gretna Green people, saying, ‘Dear Suzanne and Patrick, I’m sorry, you can’t get married here. Can you try again for next year?’
“I was absolutely sick to my stomach, and I couldn’t get hold of anyone because they were in the UK and it was the middle of the night there!”
The next day, Suzanne finally got hold of Gretna Green, only to discover they had received the letter by mistake.
“I just kept saying to Patrick that whatever happens, we’ll just make the best of everything, have fun and see the funny side.”
Little did Suzanne know but there were a few more hurdles for the couple to get over before their third attempt at getting married.
They were about to board their flight from Dubai to Scotland when they noticed some men hammering away at the propeller of their plane.
“That’s not something you want to see as you’re boarding your flight,” says Suzanne.
The couple had just sat down to a glass of celebratory Champagne when they were ordered off the plane and had to wait three hours for a new one. Which meant they were late for everything they had planned in Glasgow. Late to pick up the rental car, stuck in rush-hour traffic for hours in the pouring rain and late to their accommodation, getting in at 10pm.
Suzanne says when they finally arrived at Inverness, she rushed into their hotel shouting for the bathroom as she’d been hanging on for the entire drive and then discovered they were too late for any food.
“We had both been starving ourselves so we would look good at the wedding and I was determined to eat everything while we were away, and then there was no food!”
After some sightseeing in Inverness the next day, they headed to the local pub, where once again they were denied a decent dinner.
“We thought we’d go for a good pub meal, but all they had were crisps – fortunately, my favourite Walker’s cheese and onion. We ended up silly drunk. All the locals said it was one of the best nights they’d ever had because of me and Patrick – we were on fire!
“We went back up the road singing, got to the hotel and they said, ‘You’ve missed the food. Again.’”
The next day, the pair headed off to Gretna Green only to be late again, jeopardising the ceremony.
“We were supposed to hand over our passports the day before and the office said they would be open until 4pm. Well, we got there at 3pm and they were closed because it was a Saturday!”
Thanks to some smooth talking by Suzanne, the wedding was saved by a nice woman who happened to be in the office who agreed to witness the passports.
Finally, the couple got married on Sunday, October 30, surrounded by a small group of 11 friends in the old blacksmith’s shop, in front of an old anvil as the altar.
For Suzanne and Patrick, the wedding had been such a long time coming, it became very emotional.
“Patrick had gone in first and then we had a man playing the bagpipes to walk me in,” Suzanne recalls. “The piper asked me what song I wanted him to pipe me in with. I hadn’t prepared for that, so the one Scottish song I could think of was Over the Sea to Skye.”
Suzanne made her entrance into the blacksmith shop, but before Patrick could even see her, he started crying, her friends told her later.
“It was the song – it got to him – but it meant by the time I walked in, he was literally sobbing his heart out,” Suzanne laughs. “I had to stand at the little altar, well anvil, while he sobbed, then finally a woman got him some tissues!”
Suzanne’s young godson Cillian, six, was the ring bearer and took the job very seriously.
“You place your hands on the anvil and the registrar strikes the anvil with a hammer, right next to your hands, and declares you man and wife,” she tells. “It was old-fashioned and fabulous.”
Suzanne decided to adopt the “olde-worlde” theme with her wedding dress – the third she had bought after the cancellation of the first two ceremonies.
“It is very old-fashioned, off white, with layers of lace, which is lovely. I ended up getting it from a US store and the loveliest part was it has a tiny bit of sparkle with these neutral-coloured sequins that catch the light. Oh, it’s beautiful,” she says.
“And then I thought, ‘Gosh, I might be freezing. It could even be snowing.’ So, at the last minute, I’d also sent away through Etsy for a long velvet coat to be made which I thought would be in keeping with the era. A woman in Vietnam made it and it arrived just a couple of days before we left, thank goodness.”
Suzanne then topped the whole wedding ensemble off with some bridal boots and a vintage handbag.
I don’t think anybody was expecting little ankle boots,” she says. “I got them from Scarpa, and they had little diamanté jewels around the sole. Then I remembered I had a little vintage handbag that I’d bought in a second-hand shop, so my whole outfit suited the era of the room, and I felt comfortable and warm.”
Suzanne says she could not have got married without a bit of her trademark sparkle and shine going on.
Patrick’s outfit for the wedding was a departure for him – a kilt. He has Scottish blood from the MacPherson line, but had never worn one before.
“We had him properly measured, but on the day, it was a bit short,” Suzanne says. “I don’t know whether he’d grown or the kilt had shrunk, but we could see a lot of leg. Mind you, he does have nice legs!”
The happy couple celebrated at the local hotel after the wedding, with Patrick changing into a suit, but wait… there’s more, true to Suzanne’s signature motto.
The following night was Halloween and Suzanne had instructed all their friends to bring a costume so the wedding party could have a rip-roaring Halloween party. Of course.
Now that Suzanne and Patrick are finally married, and back home, she says she feels different about her life and more settled.
“I’ve been married twice before. But as soon as I got married, as soon as he said ‘You’re man and wife,’ I could say, ‘This is my husband,’ and he can say, ‘Have you met my wife, Suzanne?’ I don’t know why, but it feels different.
“I feel like his family are now my family. Not just, ‘This is Patrick’s girlfriend, partner or fiancée.’ I always think in the back of their mind, they’re thinking, ‘I’m not gonna get too involved with her – he could flick her off any day.’
“But when it’s ‘wife’, I think then everybody just invests a little bit more in the relationship.
“I feel better,” she enthuses. “I feel happier, more relaxed and more settled. And I really believe this is the best time of my life.”
The Kiwi actor has been part of the Star Wars universe for more than 20 years.