Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian West on the set of Cooking With Paris. Photo / Netflix
REVIEW:
The last time we saw Paris Hilton cooking, she was on YouTube making a lasagne and I don't think I'd hit that "subscribe" button quite as fast at any other time in my life.
"Cooking shows that make me feel good about my decidedly mediocre cooking" are, after all, quite the hard niche to come across.
I couldn't wait for more content - but, alas, Paris kept me waiting. It turns out, Netflix saw in Paris' lasagne video the same allure I did but, unlike me, they had the money to throw at it. So as I sat and waited for more YouTube videos, Netflix got Paris working on an exclusive series.
The result is now out for anyone bored enough to decide to hit "play".
"Cooking with Paris" is strangely mesmerising and makes for compelling viewing - unless you go into it thinking you're going to pick up any cooking tips. Sure, there are "cooking tips" peppered throughout the episodes but they are things like "cotton candy is just sugar with more personality", so make of that what you will.
Each episode features Paris shopping for food, then prepping some of it alone before a guest arrives to help her with some more of the cooking and then with the eating. From the shopping to the chopping, it is all done in extremely extravagant and not even remotely appropriate outfits, as Paris navigates through the day saying things that don't actually mean anything like "that's bomb".
She admits she likes her "tacos to be American-style" and says her favourite fries are from McDonald's so what she dishes out for viewers is a style of Maccas-but-with-truffle-oil type of cuisine that is exactly the type of food I feel I'd want to eat if I suddenly found myself burdened with a massive fortune but still no higher education to show for it.
She handwrites her recipes in her recipe book in rainbow colours and her i's get lovehearts rather than dots like us peasants do.
It is all simultaneously offensively ostentatious and oddly endearing.
To her credit, she lays it all out in the opening sequence, saying she likes to cook but is not a trained chef and is not trying to be.
So what is she trying to be? Relevant, I guess.
Because 2003 was nearly 20 years ago and the people who watched "The Simple Life" are now mostly functional adults with mortgages and no time for this crap, Paris knew she had to do something to avoid fading into obscurity. Because time is a flat circle, here we are now with Bennifer back together and Paris Hilton on our screens. Time to dig out the chunky belts and the choker necklaces, I guess.
To her credit, Paris Hilton appears to really enjoy food - which is more that can be said for a lot of celebrity chefs on TV these days.
Sure, she's a rich, entitled Barbie-doll come to life, who has a cooking show even though she doesn't know what a whisk is - but, at the risk of sounding like I'm really scrapping the bottom of the barrel here, at least she is not trying to be anything else.
Her bedazzled femininity is so over-the-top it is almost a caricature of itself, with the feathers and the pink and the sparkles.
The downside, however, is that in the Paris chronology "Cooking with Paris" feels like a step backwards. We saw more of her depth in "This is Paris", the documentary where she sheds light on the alleged abused she suffered at school and her activism to ensure others don't go through the same. Now, she's back to her hyper-femme Barbie ways, with her baby voice and diamond-encrusted gloves, to remind us she does not owe us anything.
This is cotton candy television, with extra sprinkles on top. But in times like these, we shall not be judged for enjoying it. The world is a very difficult place right now. But at least we'll always have Paris.
• Cooking with Paris is currently streaming on Netflix in New Zealand.