That line doesn't appear in the show - it's just what was running through my head for the duration - but here are some that did that are much, much worse:
"It's the thriller in Manila with Diana and Camilla."
"Harry, my ginger-haired son, you'll always be second to none."
"A life of desperation in the Windsor Corporation."
As bad as they are, it's hard to worry too much about the lyrics or the also-bad music, because the show is also exploitative, tone-deaf, painfully didactic, ham-fisted and not very interesting.
There was one moment I felt an emotion other than hopelessness: when Diana visited some Aids patients in hospital, at a time when fear of the disease was at its peak and - against the wishes of The Palace - refused to wear protective gear. As I felt the approach of tears, one of the dying patients sang, "I may be unwell / but I'm handsome as hell" and at that point I knew I was done.
From early on in this disaster, I had a good idea how things would play out: I would struggle to contain my contempt; Zanna would shush me, because she has a strict rule about talking during movies, and an even stricter one about expressing contempt; then, at the end, I would catalogue the reasons it was so terrible, while she would repeatedly say, "I disagree." She loves musicals, even some Lloyd Webbers, so I was both shocked and delighted when, three songs in - as the show sucked from me the last of my belief that humanity might be capable of one day building a better world - she turned and said, "It's so bad."
It's no exaggeration to say that if Diana: The Musical had been a high school production, a good drama teacher would have brought the cast and crew together at the final dress rehearsal and said: "Thanks, everyone, for your hard work, but for the good of the audience, we are cancelling the show and replacing it with a screening of Squid Game."
The show is two hours long and, on our first attempt at watching it, Zanna and I fell asleep nearly simultaneously, less than 40 minutes in. It wasn't late and we hadn't been particularly tired, but the body does what it needs to protect itself. The next day, I tried to watch the rest of it at 1.5x speed, but had to revert to normal because it wasn't fair to review the show like that: It was making it better.
SHE SAW
Things I enjoyed about Diana: The Musical: Jeanna de Waal has a pleasant singing voice; the actor playing James Hewitt - "the randy stable boy" - rises up from the stage floor, shirtless, on what looks like a mechanical bull but I think is supposed to be a horse; the repeated line "a feckity feckity feckity feckity f*** you dress" in the song The Dress. Things I didn't enjoy about Diana: The Musical: everything else.
What struck me most about the recording of the stage show is how uncool it is. While it's hard to argue that musicals have ever been cool, the best musicals of the last decade - Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, The Book of Mormon, Waitress - have changed the musical landscape for the better. They've brought new music genres and contemporary sensibilities to the Broadway stage and created a musical revival of sorts. But Diana? It's the opposite of all that. It's a rock-musical but the music is rock at its worst, the lyrics are ridiculous and the choreography is laughable - Greg could've done better.
While uncool is hardly an articulate critique of Diana: the Musical, it was difficult to move past the feeling of genuine embarrassment for the cast whose talent is not in question here - performing any other material, I'm sure they could absolutely shine. In fact, I believe de Waal may have improved the material with her performance which, a handful of times, almost manages to convey the deep sadness of Diana's life. But just when you start to feel something they break into another absurd song with words like "snap, click, snap, click, your storybook marriage is going to s***."
The music and lyrics are by Bon Jovi keyboardist David Bryan, with Joe DiPietro, which leads me to believe that Jon was not just the looks of that band. The show is uncomfortable right from the oddly understated opening number with Diana alone on stage, though apparently at a party, singing about how underestimated she is, through to the first act closer where she sings about what a pretty, pretty girl she is and on to "the thriller in Manila with Diana and Camilla" where the two women sing angrily at each other in a makeshift boxing ring. It reeks of its male gaze.
I really struggled to finish this show. Putting it on Netflix a month before the cast takes the stage on Broadway feels like an act of 21st-century public shaming and the worst possible publicity before the show's opening. At least, I suppose, we are spared any conceivable FOMO over not being able to travel to see it.
Diana: The Musical is streaming now on Netflix
