Release the zombies. There was a most curious development in last night's episode of The Bachelorette, in which the dead walk the earth and stagger and lurch towards two eligible women in an attempt to woo them back to their bachelor crypts.
Zombie Marc was voted off. That was a shame. Over the past few weeks he's shown distinct signs that he was in possession of not just a personality but also a pulse. The other contestants steadfastly come across as the walking dead but Marc seemed different. And as soon he was voted off, the curious development started taking place.
He started acting like a real live human being. He talked about his daughter and how much he missed her and how much he was looking forward to seeing her again.
"Daddy's coming home," he said, and with those words the spell of his undeadness was broken. He's flesh and blood. He's a nice guy. He's got that thing that all the other contestants don't appear to have on account of the fact they're the undead – a life.
Good luck to Marc. He's gone to a better place. He's left behind that boring mansion in a bleak, empty New Zealand landscape where the contestants were holed up when the series began. True, he's also had to leave behind that actually very groovy apartment in Buenos Aries where they contestants have bunked down these past two weeks, but he's well shot of the zombie army, with their dead eyes, their shuffling walk, their entrapment with each other.
He's also left Hottie Lesina and Hottie Lily. He didn't have a lot of time for Hottie Lily but he had a lot of time for Hottie Lesina, and he used up most of that time by kissing her.
She ultimately decided that he wasn't right for her. She's more intent on the cunning, scheming, amoral Zombie Aaron, the nice on the surface but underneath a seething mess Zombie Steve, and Zombie Logan, who I can't remember a single thing about on account of the fact he seems to be the most listless and undead of all the contestants.
It was Hottie Lesina's call to get rid of Marc. She had the power of veto. But she wasn't right for Marc, either. The guy dodged a bullet. True, she has a few good qualities. Gorgeous, yes; clever, yes; nice, yes. Alright, she's perfect, but Marc doesn't have room in his life for perfection. His thing is struggle, mistakes, triumph over adversity, all the imperfections that make up a loving parent.
We shall remember him. He was the one who had noughts and crosses tattooed on his neck. He was the one who posed nude in a life drawing class, and a pixelated image preserved his modesty – maybe he had a noughts and crosses tattooed there, too.
And he was the one who came to life. The remaining 14 zombies waved him off, their arms loose and floppy. A light seemed to flicker in their eyes. Would they, too, become human if and when they're voted off? "Goodbye," they droned, and something in their undead minds stirred.