SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
Guys I honestly miss Glenn.
Since that little scallywag got booted off the trip to Argentina, the show is nowhere near as exciting.
Case in point, we kicked off tonight's episode with Tavita's dramatic revelation that he has a hernia. That's it. That's the biggest scandal of the episode.
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While he hooned off to the local A&E (God speed buddy), the gals chose the lads they wanted to take on single dates.
Lesina picked Logan and Lily chose Jesse, while I'm assuming the rest of the boys stayed at the apartment getting day drunk – which let's be real, is what they'd rather be doing anyway. We all know the absolute admin of having to go on dates is just getting in the way of their hectic #ladstrip.
For Lesina's single date she took Logan rollerblading which I know sounds romantic in theory but was truly horrific to watch. To put it bluntly, he genuinely looked like one of those wacky inflatable tube men that you see in car yards, but attached to wheels.
Despite comparing the inflatable tube man to a drowning person attempting to pull her underwater or an ungainly 5-year-old Lesina still let Logan pash her. It was absolutely unreal.
Unfortunately though this is when the true nightmare began. She went on to reveal on national television that Logan was the most appallingly dry pash she's ever experienced – and compared his mouth to a sandy Sahara dessert.
I'm also going to take a wild stab in the dark and say Lesina and Logan do not end up together at the end of this, so how grim that this appalling Zomato-esque review of his mouth will exist on the internet until the end of time, and it was all for nothing.
If there was ever an admission to derail you from applying to be on a reality TV show let it be this ay.
Now that Daryl's been sent home, Lesina also unsuccessfully attempted to get Logan to be her new narky mole in the hopes that he'd give her goss about the other boys. Unfortunately the desert-tongued inflatable man was not playing ball, and refused to be Daryl 2.0 - and fair enough in my opinion, he could hardly be expected to spill the tea when he's barely producing enough saliva to speak.
Meanwhile across Argentina-town (I don't know where exactly they are sorry) Lily takes Jesse on a date at a beer spa which surprisingly is also not as sexy as it sounds.
Despite being blind-folded in a spa pool while sculling beers and wearing nothing but their togs it's the biggest non-event of the season thus far. No pashing, no nothing – and while the entire country shriekd SHOOT YOUR SHOT at their screens, the most scandalous thing to happen was Jesse leaping out of his skin when the masseuse touched his foot. Irregardless though, he got a rose which Lily pulled out of her crotch cause she is just a cool carefree skater girl.
Back at the mansion the boys are starting to sober up, the free-holiday-in-Argentina novelty is starting to wear off and everyone's staring to have a meltdown about the fact that the premise of the show sees their girlfriends dating other men – and it's hit our sweet little Honeybadger Terence particularly hard - he was literally crying.
"Lily's. Definitely. A girl. I wanna. Give it a go with," he chokes out through tears. "but it's just a matter of time before I f*ck it up."
Later on the ep Tavita comes back because thanks to a miracle he didn't die on the hernia operating table, and the producers - who were probably worried the boys were all on the brink of having absolute tants - decided to let them all do some sporty stuff for a treat, instead of having to go to yet another snooze wine tasting where Lesina would force them to talk about their feelings.
That's right folks – for one arvo only, the lads got the chance to compete in a soccer match to win some sort of famous person's football shirt, and also to win a date with one of the gals – but let's be honest, no one cared about that when there was a soccer shirt prize on the line.
As I think I may have fallen asleep through this sports scene I'm going to rush through this bit, but basically all you need to know was Marc got the first goal so him and Terence won some one on one time with their respective sports captains Lily and Lesina.
It was super awkward though because Steve won the famous football shirt and Marc made absolutely no effort disguise the fact that he was super keen to do swapsies and trade his date for the top.
During their one on one time Lesina brought up that weird fight between Marc and Tavita from a couple of episodes ago (remember, when Tavita lied about Marc only pashing her for a dare? I know, I know – it all paled compared to all the Glenn dramas).
Anyway, she's still hung up about it and is worried he's Not Here For The Right Reasons and is just telling her what she wants to hear but IRREGARDLESS of these very valid fears, still gives him a rose because it's incredibly slim pickings am I right – and I perfectly accurate representation of what dating in Auckland is truly like.