SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because, after an explosive first week, The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight with a big reveal. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
I know you're all still probably reeling from last night's Shocking Plot Twist that Lily is the the new Bachelorette - but buckle up, because we have a whole new episode's worth of tea to spill.
First things first, the MVP award goes to George who made the brave decision to announce his bisexuality on national television. How great that we've got to the point when someone can do this. Kudos, too, to Previously Silent Steve, who set a beautiful example (listen up Glenn!) on the correct response to such news.
"It's so cool that you can open up to us and that you're trusting in us, cheers bro," said Previously Silent Steve.
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As we live in a country where toxic masculinity is prevalent, with a culture that often devalues and invalidates emotional expressions of vulnerability by men, we need more fantastic chaps like George and Steve on our screens. Good on ya boys.
But alas, we must now go back to the bants - and a far less inspiring scene.
As well as bragging that he "could tell" George was bisexual because his "feminine side is stronger", Glenn With Two Enns was also still harping on about his fictitious threesome with Lily and Lesina.
"I personally wouldn't mind a bisexual female, it'd be a bit of fun," he told the camera.
"If the opportunity presented itself to have a threesome with Lily and Lesina I think you'd be crazy to say no to that."
While I'm quite certain the opportunity will never ever present itself as long as he lives, you've gotta admire the kid's confidence. (That was sarcasm. You absolutely do not.)
Moving right along, because I honestly can't bear it, it was time for some #singledates (two of them now, remember, a la Mary-Kate and Ashley dating hot Italian boys on Vespas in 2002 flick, When In Rome.)
Despite taking Tavita on a sexy and glamourous yacht jaunt for his one-on-one, Lesina decided that all Marc deserved was a field trip to Old MacDonald's Farm.
What was in store for Marky-Marc you're wondering? I bet you're picturing a romantic roll on a bale of hay, right? Or an exhilarating quad bike race followed by a five-star, literal paddock-to-plate, six-course degustation dinner?
Afraid not folks, as tonight's episode appeared to be sponsored by Fonterra - so instead they milked cows. A milk-off if you will.
(Please sing to the tune of the Dancing With The Stars theme song: "I challenge you to a milk-off, hands-off, no trash talk, no back walk." Etc.)
After one of the season's most jarring scenes thus far (Lesina and Marc frantically tugging on a couple of udders in an attempt to get the most milk - I swear you can't make this s*** up), the seemingly lactose-tolerant pair trotted off for a picnic in a random field - at which point Old MacDonald's Farm GOT SEXY.
That's right guys, Lesina had her first kiss in the middle of a soggy field - and not just a dry-lipped, family-friendly, 7pm-slot peck either.
She pashed that chocolate-maker like he's the cashed-up Willy Wonka himself - I'm talking back-of-the-head-grabbing, I'm talking hair-pulling, I'm talking visible tounges. It was so hot, we love this for her.
"It was quite passionate in a hot and heavy way," she told the camera smugly.
GET IT GURL. This is the sex-posi female lead we need on our screens in 2020, people.
Willy Wonka on the other hand is not the male lead we need on our screens in 2020. After the pash he proceeded to brag that he "couldn't wait to tell the boys" and that he's the "top dog now".
Just in case that wasn't yuck enough, he launched into a very bizarre flex about being the #alphamale of the mansion because he ironed everyone's shirts (probably just so he could flex about it ya know).
As hot as a man who irons is, the alpha male thing was, understandably, a huge boner killer for Lesina.
"I thought that was an instant red flag," she told the camera, while doing a horrified shiver like this:
Despite the gross alpha male call, she still gave him a rose. And look, no judgment here - we all saw that hot pash and we've all given terrible men second chances just cos they were good Doing Bits. We are only human.
Meanwhile, Lily took Terence on a boat-racing date, and promised him that if he beat her time he could also have a pash. He beat her by a smidge and she only gave him a little cheek/side of mouth peck, which I think is very fair enough because, prior to this, he also revealed to her that he wanted a job on a superyacht. No thank you, Jack Sparrow.
Later in the episode, the boys all competed in a Great Kiwi Bakeoff to win a date with the gals, and I'm honestly obsessed with what a blatant excuse it was to plug another TVNZ show. The devil works hard but TVNZ works harder ay - they are the Kris Jenner of television networks, and I have nothing but respect for them.
Despite bragging about his baking skills for yonks, Kurt's cake turned out pretty mediocre (sorry hon) but he won a date with Lesina anyway, while Jesse scored time with Lily.
Nothing very riveting happened but Jesse got a rose and Kurt didn't. If it sounds like I'm rushing through this tail-end of the recap, you're absolutely right. And for good reason - because I want to end on a completely unrelated and irrelevant high: The sexy car wash scene. (It's my recap and I can do what I want.)
For absolutely no rhyme or reason, about two-thirds of the way through the ep the boys decided to strip off and wash an already-clean car while the crew filmed them in slow-motion. And by wash, I mean grind their soaped-up bodies on the doors, on the hood, on the other parts (of the car) that I don't know the name of.
Why are they grinding their soaped-up bodies on a car, you ask? Because God is real, that's why.
Everyone's wet, nothing makes sense, Daryl's gyrating on a wound-up towel, Quinn's gyrating on the car bonnet, I'm so lightheaded that I'm starting to see spots. I'm on the brink of blacking out.
Would this be problematic if the genders were reversed? Probably, but they're not, so I truly don't care. Ladies, we deserve this. This is our time.
It's been about three minutes since the episode ended and I've already rewound and replayed the scene about 37 times. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen. Play it at my funeral. Thank you and goodnight.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again tomorrow tonight at 7.30pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.