SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorette One Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and her new mate, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because, after an explosive first week, The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight with a big reveal. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
"Mind if I join the party?"
Well knock me down with a feather, the second Bachelorette is Lily McManus!
Despite the reports about Lily McManus probably being the Bachelorette, and the rumours about the show featuring more than one Bachelorette, what an absolute shock that nobody at all suspected - especially after the impenetrable clue that her name started with "L". This is an absolute plot twist, I tell ya.
The Sk8r girl strutted out of the mansion in a leather ensemble and according to old mate Glenn With Two Enns "life just got twice as good".
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That's right folks - the show has now become The Bachelorettes NZ, a two-for-one deal if you will, a la the Iconic 1995 Mary-Kate and Ashley flick - It Takes Two.
(For those of you who still have no idea who this random shaka-brah-ing gal is - she was one of the most popular contestants on the third season of The Bachelor and came second after being dumped in the finale. After getting a taste of the spotlight, she went on to compete on Celebrity Treasure Island and The Bachelor Winter Games.)
For those of you who still have no idea what shaka-brah-ing is, like my editor, it's this:
Anyway, I digress. As McManus sauntered onto our screens the lads were understandably #shooketh, with the ever-humble Liam declaring that he would surely "be the one that leaves with both of them".
And because the audience at home was probably equally #shooketh about how the f this show is actually going to work now, Bachelorette 2.0 explained that "we don't want to compete, half the guys have been cast for me, half have been cast for Lesina".
So now we know why all those young blokes were there at the start. Shame for Lily that Lesina's already given the seemingly tolerable Tyler the flick.
They also revealed that the gals hatched a secret handshake-y plan "weeks ago" whereby Lesina agreed to be the Ultimate Wingwoman by not eliminating any contestants that Lily might be keen on when she arrives at the mansion.
While all the #lads appear over the moon that they now have a double-shot at love, none of them expressed it so eloquently as Glenn, who appeared to have rather ambitiously misunderstood the new set-up.
"I haven't had two women at the same time yet, this could be my chance."
As someone who genuinely struggles to tee up a twosome let alone a threesome, I truly aspire to have the confidence of an average man who makes the assumption that two 10s would sleep with him.
And just in case that stunningly brazen declaration on national television wasn't enough, Glenn then attempted to manifest this group get-together into existence.
"Are you two together? Looking for... someone?" asked the personal trainer.
"Um, we're not looking for the SAME person," explained a startled Lesina.
"Ohhh so one each? Not two for one?" he tried again, while the entire country collectively withered behind their couch cushions.
Absolutely clutching at horrifying straws by this point, Glenn tried once again to tee up a trio on national television.
"So are you two just friends orrr...?"
Incredible. Let's move on, shall we?
In brighter news, Silent Steve FINALLY got a minute of screentime.
While until this point he was simply a man we knew only by his name and effervescent grin, Silent Steve was whisked away for chitchat with Bachelorette #1.
During their one-on-one, Silent Steve revealed he'd quit his job to go on the reality show, which to me was a devastating revelation as we're four episodes in and this was his very first scene. He could have stayed on and earned another's weeks wages.
The pair had a lovely chinwag and, despite being portrayed as a mute until now, he was, I was pleasantly surprised to discover, very charming and chatty. Unfortunately, though, he didn't seem to rock Lesina's socks. She later revealed she wants a more confident and extraverted #bae.
Poor Silent Steve. Here's hoping he can send his boss a grovelly "JK lol" email and get his job back if need be. (For my editor's benefit, that means Just Kidding.)
When it was time for the absolutely batshit new rose ceremony format, the two Bachelorettes took turns picking who to give roses to. Yup, just like picking sports teams at school, but for potential life partners. Sure.
Adult team captain Lesina, 32, picked Aaron, Steve, Liam, Jonathan, Darryl, Dom and Kurt, while Tween team captain Lily, 22, picked Jesse, Marc, Terrence, Quinn, George and Connor.
Bungy jump master Marcus did not receive a rose and had to Jump Jam out of there (okay, not really, but in my dreams he absolutely exited the mansion by way of the routine to Five's Keep On Movin').
How the absolute f this TV show is going to work now is anyone's guess. I sure as hell don't know and I'm the one who has to write these recaps, so #prayforSinead and tune in tomorrow night while we try to navigate this Mary Kate and Ashley nightmare together.