Matilda and the Ramsay Bunch (Three Life, 9.10pm Mondays)
They say that fatherhood changes a man. They also say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Both are true of Gordon Ramsay's teenage daughter's cooking show.
Matilda and the Ramsay Bunch shows the famously angry celebrity chef in an all-new light and, honestly, I don't like it one bit. Is it too much to ask that just once an episode we get to see Chef Ramsay scream and swear a bit, give one of his children the type of bollocking he used to dish up to struggling restaurateurs back in the good old days?
There are so many moments in this week's episode where he could – I'd suggest probably even should – scream, "What the f*** do you think you're doiiiiing?" in Matilda's face.
Ramsay's refusal to publicly admonish his children is just part of the show's strangely cloying, unconvincingly wholesome vibe. Basically, if scientists brought Enid Blyton back to life and forced her to reboot The Famous Five as a Kardashians-style fly-on-the-wall reality franchise, this is what it would be like.
Matilda is cooking dinner for her brother Jack, who's going away on a water polo trip. She's making his favourites: a giant burger (not Heston Blumenthal giant but still pretty big) and an equally large milkshake. "I call it a milk-share," she explains, "because I serve it in one big cup and everybody shares it."
I'm sorry. What family is sitting around the table slurping a milkshake from the same cup like they're at a Full Moon Party in Thailand? Revolting.
To make the giant burger patty, Matilda has chucked the mixture in a way-too-small frying pan, then tamped it down with a potato masher. When she calls her dad down to help flip it, you can't help but feel a tingle of excitement at how badly he's going to lose it at this culinary faux pas.
Instead, he comes careening down the stairs on crutches ("Dad's had a bad sports injury") and gets straight to work. Matilda doesn't even say thank you, just orders him to cut the giant bun she's baked.
"Oh no," he mutters mid-slice. What is it, what's wrong? "I've just cut it a little unevenly," he admits. "What?!" Matilda explodes. "You're supposed to be a chef." Turning back to the camera, she calmly continues: "While your rubbish dad corrects his bad bun cutting, put mozzarella on your burger to melt."
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This is toxic behaviour. Who bullies their own dad for badly cutting a bun? Even in his fearsome prime, I'm not sure Chef Ramsay was ever this cruel.
Next, she unhygienically slaps the buns to the sides of his face and asks: "What are you?" A graphic pops up on the screen. It reads: "An idiot sandwich."
My God, she's unhinged. At dinner she tricks him into eating a dog biscuit. Ha, ha, everybody laughs.
In the final shot, Jack wheels his suitcase out the door, turns to the camera and pumps his fist. "I'm away from them," he whispers, "Yesss." You said it, mate.