Netflix is the best friend I've ever had.
For starters, she's super popular, always there for me after a bad day and she looks amazing in red and black.
She always has new stories to tell me over a bottle of wine, which I get to drink all of because alcohol tends to leave her fried.
You may think I should leave the house and meet some humans, but you would be wrong and I never abandon my true friends.
But like any pal, Netty also has her off days, and I've been noticing some glitches lately that are becoming harder to ignore.
Her malfunctions were infrequent at the beginning: A typo here, a lag or two there.
But lately, she's gone a bit mad, stealing images and slipping them into unrelated and entirely inappropriate content just for kicks.
I noticed it this week, as the world celebrated Marie Kondo's new cleaning series.
The Japanese organisation queen is now a global sensation, and her Netflix show Tidying Up with Marie Kondo encourages peaceful decluttering and choosing joy above all else.
But if Netflix is anything to go by, things in the Kondo camp have really escalated.
Etiquette expert William Hanson shared a screengrab of the latest preview for the Netflix series, which suggests the new Marie "Kommando" isn't screwing around anymore.
The image of a hooded woman in army fatigues, wielding an AK47, is juxtaposed beside Marie's promise to help clients "clear out the clutter and choose joy".
It's confusing, to say the least.
The Netflix glitch was retweeted more than 50,000 times and attracted 200,000 likes.
Even beloved celebrity author Chrissy Teign chimed in: "DOES IT SPARK JOY MOTHERF***ER??"
I guess you never really know a person until Season 2 of their show, right?
In the spirit of accountability, I did some digging and found that my pal Netflix is a real fan of the old switcheroo.
She loves a sneaky glitch.
Here's what I found.
Passion of the Christ
I mean, if we're talking technicalities, this sort of works.
But there's no way Jesus Christ's parents would overlook him getting stuck into the egg nog.
How I Met Your Mother
I am positive this is not how the family friendly TV series concluded. Also, what a way for Ted to break the news to his kids …
Dear White People
What a woke observation, Netflix. I knew we were best friends for a reason.
A description of a Winston Churchill documentary somehow ended up beside this angelic image of a floating Jesus.
That is some serious tea you're sharing, Netflix.
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Don't let those puppy eyes fool you, this dog has seen some stuff.
It's Kung Fu Panda I feel the most sympathy for in this situation.
Hitler's One Chance
Instead of promoting a biopic about opera singer and Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts, Netflix chose to feature a grainy photograph of Adolf Hitler next to this blurb.
Sure, Hitler made the world pay attention … it just happened during history's most unforgivable atrocities, as he reigned down terror upon millions of innocent people.
Out and proud
Again, this is just too uncomfortable to comprehend.
A photograph of Nazi soldiers marching with banners, beside the story of America's struggling LGBT community.
Food for thought
You know what, Netflix? You really hit the nail on the head with this glitch. I cannot fault you here.
Feel good vibes
What usually comes to mind when you think of "love, laughter and the best friends you could ask for"?
I seriously doubt it's a crazed serial killer doll, violent prisoners or tornado chasing vehicles.
I never knew Barney and his friends were part of a violent Colombian drug cartel. But I wouldn't put it past him, that purple bastard.
Oh … oh my. Where did it all go wrong for you, Ash?