Not so gouda gift

"As we have a small house with not much room, Christmas presents are strictly consumable with the most favoured consumable item being blue cheese," explains John from Hamilton. "While ambling down our ROW towards the mailbox I encountered an unknown child on a bike. 'Merry Christmas,' he said, adding ... 'What did you get for Christmas?' Realising that a framed photo of grandchildren or a donation to Fred Hollows might not be understood, I told him, blue cheese. His face fell as he asked, 'have you been naughty?'"

Relatable tweets of 2018 (part one)

1. "One of my favourite games to play is, is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing my glasses or a brain tumour?" (@pmilbs_)

2. "My mother-in-law likes me so much she asked if I would take the family photo this year." (@WorstCassie)

3. "The most important thing I've learned in life, and I can't stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think." (@KevinFarzad)


4. "PSA: Don't EVER let your printer know that you've waited until the last minute to print something out and you're in hurry because they can sense fear." (@OkigboXL)

5. "When your parents told you all your life how smart you are and you get to university and realise you were only smarter than the locals and you're actually completely average." (@leeman_marcus)

6. "To maintain a close family bond, I like to send my children a 'good morning' text every day as we gather around the breakfast table." (@TuSoonShakur)

7. "Ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs." (unknown)

8. "Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time colouring, and have the nerve to say, 'could you make me another one ... that's not what I wanted', just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night." (@effinghandbook)

Onion whānau

Onion whānau.
Onion whānau.

Two things you need to know today ...

Cheese triggers the same part of the brain as hard drugs ... And burglars in medieval Cairo would send a turtle with a lit candle on its shell into the house they were planning to burgle. If someone was home, they'd cry out when they saw the candle-turtle. Otherwise, the burglary could go ahead.

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