Last night's Dancing with the Stars was one long disaster. Things fell apart, fell over, fell flat. It made for high drama. You expected Mike McRoberts to step out of the audience and start reading a news bulletin. "Good evening. A dance show has been revealed as one long disaster ... "
Dai Henwood said he'd see us on Monday night's show at 4.30am. "What am I talking about!" he said, and corrected his mistake, but Jung observed that there are no accidents.
Did the slip reveal that Henwood experiences the show as some kind of dark 3am of the soul, a nightmare, a living hell?
Things fell apart; Robert Rakete's waistcoat could not hold. The bow burst when he bent down and picked up his dance partner with about as much pleasure as a man picking up a sack of coal.
Henwood had introduced him by raving, "Like you've never seen him before!" His remark came to pass.
When the dance ended, we saw Rakete looking sick as a parrot.
Even so, he was a picture of good cheer compared with poor old Zac from The Bachelor.
He clean forgot what he was supposed to be doing in his dance and when it finished, he crouched down on the floor and put his head in his hands. Zac was shown fooling with Tarot cards before his dance; like facing the mirror and saying the word Candyman three times, this was ill-advised. He dealt himself the Death card.
Gilda Kirkpatrick was the first contestant to leave the show last Monday night. Who will follow her into oblivion?
McRoberts clearly feared the worst when his Newshub co-host Sam Hayes finished her dance. He had on the same grave face he wears when he has some solemn news to tell the nation, but this time he looked as though he was truly suffering.
Bad Judge Rachel scored Hayes a low, low six, and even Good Judge Camilla said that maybe she needed acting lessons, or something, to give the impression she was in fact alive.
Crazy Judge Julz wore a disaster: His hair. He's changed his style from lounge lizard to dude who looks like he's just busted out of prison. It showed his range.
It was a shock to see him as a bit of rough. Is he going to head further down that road? Watch out tonight; he might be fully patched.
Jess danced without incident. She's safe. Chris the cricket guy is safe; he really does have fantastic footwork, and got the highest score on Sunday night with 24. Shav is safe on 23 points for a dance she dedicated to a friend who died of breast cancer.
Camilla said afterwards, "I think you danced this dance for everybody in this country who has lost somebody." Research would almost certainly declare this was complete bullshit but then Camilla deals in bullshit for a living. "I'm a motivational speaker," she told us.
More disaster lies in store. David Seymour and Marama Fox are due to compete tonight. Naz's fate hangs in the balance after she revealed last night that her dance partner fell in rehearsals, and busted his leg real bad. "I'll dance by myself if I have to," she said.
McRoberts! Step out of the audience, and make yourself useful.