Doctors share amusing patient stories ...

1. "Here," says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. "The bathroom's over there." A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.

"Thanks," he says, returning the empty container. "But there was a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all."

2. As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky. "You remind me of my third husband," she said coyly.

"Third husband?" I asked. "How many have you had?"

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"Two."

3. My patient announced she had good news ... and bad. "The medicine for my earache worked," she said.

"What's the bad news?" I asked.

"It tasted awful."

Since she was feeling better, I didn't have the heart to tell her they're called eardrops for a reason.

4. When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was sobbing, gagging, petrified. But my doctor knew how to calm me.

"Don't worry about a thing," he assured me. "I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube."

5. The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital room with a box in her hand. "Are you ready for this?"

"What is it?" I asked.

"Fleet enema. Didn't your doctor tell you about it?"

"No."

She rechecked the orders. "Whoa! It said feet elevated!"

(Source: Bored Panda)

Own goal at the supermarket

Kathy writes: "My husband is a typical Type B personality, usually ... but last week he came home after suffering a long queue in the supermarket and admitted he had lost his rag when some sod's cellphone kept ringing for about half-a-minute unanswered. In frustration, he complained so loudly to the checkout operator, so all could hear, about people who don't answer their phones. She leaned over and quietly said, 'I think that's yours, sir.' Hmmm ..."

Workman's bread and butter

Robin Osborne was amused by Steve's Takeaways in yesterday's Sideswipe. "There used to be Pete's in Tauranga, and maybe still is," he says. "However, when I was involved in the construction of small sewerage works in the UK some 60 years ago, we always said, 'What's s*** to you, mate, is bread and butter to us!'"