This is all true of friends, workmates and flatmates, too. You don’t have long with anyone - they all go away. It might be worth spending some quality time with them while they are around.
As parents, we take comfort in knowing we will likely be the ones who leave our kids behind when we die. In reality, they leave us behind a long time before that. They disconnect, differentiate, grow up and go. There is no stopping it. In fact, good parenting facilitates it. A quality upbringing produces powerful, competent humans. Do a half-decent job and you create adults who don’t need you. The best we can hope for is quality time whenever they are around. Unfortunately, we waste our time together staring into screens, wine glasses and phones. We may end up regretting this for the rest of our lives. This is why I have started aggressively cornering my children for a game of cards as soon as they get home from school.
Getting them to play ancient games isn’t easy. You need a good sales pitch. My two sons respond best to insults such as, “You suck, prepare to be defeated”, or, “Prepare to be crushed by a better man than you will ever be”. Challenges like this are hard for a teenager to ignore. They create, in your offspring, a powerful desire to conquer and humiliate you. Unbeknownst to them, they are being tricked into spending quality time with Dad.
The game you choose is also important. A child won’t sit down for cribbage, gin rummy or bridge. It has to be fast and furious. My attempts to play chess daily with my kids were heavily resisted. That’s why in our house we play speed. A nerve-wracking two-player card game requiring lightning-quick reaction times. Google the rules if you don’t know them, but basically, you have an equal number of cards that must be placed in order in the centre as quickly as possible. Children will jump at the chance to shut up a taunting Dad in a fast-paced, aggressive game like this. Before they know it, they have enjoyed half an hour of father-son bonding — a wholesome mix of laughter, skill, competition, smack talk and no phones.
If the cards go well, you could future-proof your parent/child relationship with bigger activities. You could golf together. Everyone loves smashing balls at a driving range. Maybe fishing, squash or pickleball. Anything you can share that they will want to continue to do with you through their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s (if you are still around).
Modern parents are needy. We have gotten too close. Our little ones will inevitably hurt us when they leave. However, if we play it smart, we can grab some quality device-free time while we have them around. It can start with something as simple as tricking them into playing cards with you once a day.
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