Is CJ ready to walk away from her marriage? Photo / Warner Bros. Discovery
OPINION
Tonight’s episode of Married at First Sight NZ is a mixed bag. One couple have a heart-to-heart with a happy ending, while another have an intervention that ends in a bride dropping the G bomb — gaslight.
The MAFS bingo card is getting a workout tonight.
We start things off with CJ, who is having her Batman moment as she looks over the city and pledges to protect the women of Auckland from all man-children. Unfortunately, she can’t protect herself from one — at least not yet.
She explains she hasn’t even heard from her husband, Jesse, since she burst into tears at the thought of spending another week with him after the commitment ceremony. We’re struggling to understand why; thankfully, she gives us a clue.
“He’s not here for the right reasons!”
Gasp! Expose him, queen!
“I’m saying leave, you’re saying stay,” she throws her hands up in the air, defeated. “Where is he? There’s no communication.”
We check in with Jesse to see how he feels about the accusation.
“From my perspective, I just thought it would be a shame to give up so early,” he smiles as he sips his spon-con coffee in his all-expenses-paid hotel room.
Yup. He’s definitely here for love.
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Over at Kara and Mike’s apartment, they’re reflecting on their commitment ceremony where expert John Aiken told Mike he needs to be less live, laugh, love and more shh, shh, shh.
“I’m not frustrated,” he tells us in a way that absolutely indicates he is frustrated.
This is a safe space Mike, let it all out.
“I’m not changing the aspects of who I am. You know? Like I f***ing love who I am, I love me and what I bring to the world is dope.”
As if on cue, Kara appears and tells us, “Welcome to my life.”
Before we can ask Kara to spill the tea, all the couples announce they got a text. Disappointingly, no one says it as enthusiastically as Love Islanders so we will.
WE GOT A TEEEEEEXT.
The experts announce it’s partner-swap week, and means our couples must part ways, go on a date with another contestant with whom they have plenty in common with, do some activities and come home to their partner with a clear head and no mixed emotions at all.
It’s a foolproof task where absolutely nothing could go wrong. Nothing. Not even brush-gate could derail this.
“I get it, I’m emotional, I’m an emotional person and I guess when I get heightened people might think you’re overreacting, but that’s just how I react,” CJ rehashes the brush-gate fight to her new husband for the day, James.
It’s the 568,790th time he’s heard it and now knows it by heart. Next is CJ who will explain how strange it is that Jesse wanted to buy a toothbrush to use after a day of eating. Like who does that? Weirdo.
The same conversation is happening at Jesse and Sam’s date, “What were the reasons that brought me to say that comment right? Like what did she do to bring that out?” Jesse says. “I only attacked from her attack, or maybe she wanted me to attack.”
That’s right, blame your wife. You are a saint Jesse, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
Meanwhile, CJ tells James, “Don’t make me out to be crazy!”
James isn’t sure what to do, he’s looked at every corner of the room, he’s silently asked for help from the producers, he’s only got one option left, “Anyway ….” he says.
CJ gets the hint, and we politely excuse ourselves to go see how Mike and his partner-swap wife, Steph, are doing in their sexy yoga workshop.
It’s going well — almost too well.
“Mike has beautiful blue eyes,” she tells us. “I think he’s an attractive guy for sure … but he’s Kara’s husband.”
Oh, don’t be shy, Steph; we’re sure Kara wouldn’t mind if you kept him a bit longer.
Speaking of Kara, she’s turned into a mob wife wearing sexy lingerie and Piripi’s calling her a “stallion”. It’s not as weird as you think, though; they’re just shooting content so Kara can launch her new career as a horse impersonator.
“You’re a stallion!” Piripi shouts at her, “Stallion! Gallop! Gallop for me!”
He gives her a 10/10 and we gallop away from the situation to give them time to talk strategy and how they’re going to “stirrup” the impersonation game.
When we come back, Piri’s gone and Mike has returned to tell his wife sexy yoga really cleared his head and now he knows that the only reason he doesn’t let her speak and tries to be so positive all the time is that he’s scared of abandonment.
Sounds legit.
“Showing my true feelings — will they be accepted? Will I be enough? Will I be lovable? Will I be loved?” Mike sees the crystal ball can only answer so many questions a day and moves on to the next part of his speech.
“My whole life I’ve been told I’m too much, I’m too loud, I’ve been too full on, so if I really let people into my own world of how I’m really feeling, they’ll just wanna go. If people really knew how I was feeling, then maybe they wouldn’t like me.”
We know exactly what he means, our boss once told us that loudly saying someone’s lunch smells “rank” in the office is an “inside thought” and not a good way to make friends.
We were equally as shocked then as we are now.
Over at Sam and James’ house, they’re having a different kind of serious chat where she tells her Christchurch-based husband, if they are ever going to make it work, he will have to move to Auckland to be with her.
“I feel so s*** having to say that,” Sam tears up. “This is what does happen when you date a single parent, they can’t just uplift and move wherever they want.”
Our heart breaks.
“I know we haven’t known each other for that long, but I’ve never felt such a strong bond. I did say to the experts I’d be open to moving,” James tells her.
“Having someone care about you that much is like the best feeling ever,” Sam tells the confession cam, “but it’s scary, it’s very scary.”
We say something we never thought we’d say about a MAFS couple; you’re in safe hands, doll.
Instead of admiring how cute this couple are, the producers remind us we are here for drama and drag us into CJ and Jesse’s intervention with John and Jo. We kick and scream and offer them the stray $5 note in our wallet, just so we don’t have to hear about brush-gate all over again.
Unfortunately, their price was $7.99 so they could get the sushi of the day at St Pierre’s, and we have no choice but to join the experts who look just as thrilled as we are to be here.
“All of this has just come from that first fight where I really did try to communicate with you, like I was trying and I wasn’t getting any reciprocation,” Jesse says.
“Just sick of the blame, though,” CJ pipes up. Jo tries to stop her and tell her this is not her main character moment, but CJ will not be silenced. “I’m so over that conversation. It’s honestly driving me insane, like it’s a joke.”
“But it’s not a joke for Jesse, and CJ, I know this is hard but your face is like shutting him down.”
Justice for the resting-b**ch faces of the world.
Jesse begins to talk again and the only reason CJ hasn’t walked out the door yet is because she’s got a hot cup of coffee and an all-white suit. One wrong move and it’s all over for her.
“Can I just say, I love how he’s able to explain in depth the whole situation that happened and I haven’t for once been asked for my side of the f***ing story,” CJ exclaims. “I feel like I’ve been gaslighted.”
Ahh, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. You can now cross “gaslight” off your MAFS bingo card.
“So what you’re saying is you really can’t listen to him,” John pipes up. “Here’s what we’re going to do, you need time to think about it. That’s why I’m jumping in now saying time out, let’s call it. Go away and think about it.”
CJ is so overwhelmed she’s finally being listened to, she tries to tell the brush-gate story again.
“Ignore all that because you’ve said it over and over again,” John says, we slip him our $5 note as a thanks. “I don’t want to hear that anymore. You guys have got a job to do.”
“It’s a real big clusterf*** at the moment,” CJ tells us somewhere John can’t hear. “I just don’t really know where to go from here, like I’m super-confused.”
We make sure to cross “hopeless bride”, too, off our bingo card.
Married At First Sight New Zealand airs on Three and ThreeNow every Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.
Lillie Rohan is a London-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating.
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