This might be the most emotional season yet of Celebrity Treasure Island, as one contestant reveals how radio host Simon Barnett changed the trajectory of his life.
But we are getting ahead of ourselves.
As well as tear-jerking moments, episode one sees drama, passion and an immediate injury as the cast arrive in Northland for season seven, dubbed “Wisdom vs. Fury” by the producers - or as content creator Louis Davis describes it, “old people vs. young people”.
Who will go home first? Who will get their pick of captain? And most importantly, is it even worth watching?
Our celeb castaways’ boats are arriving, so let’s go and find out.
“I didn’t come here to stir the pot, but if the pot needs stirring, well damn,” media personality Nix Adams declares as we find ourselves snapping our fingers and letting out an uncharacteristic “Yas queen”.
It’s the kind of energy we need and expect from these celebrities - just like Miss World New Zealand Sammi Poole, who has clearly had her colours done and knows her team’s orange hue is not in her colour wheel. She’ll stick to that hot pink puffer jacket, thank you very much.
Meanwhile, comedian David Correos feels it in his “cockles” as he steps off the boat in high-vis construction gear and cackles to the camera: “my fitness is at an all-time low, man”.
Speaking of men... radio legend Polly Gillespie reveals to Shortland Street star Ben Barrington that, at age 63, she’s worried about stepping off the boat into the water.
Barrington tells her she’ll be sweet and charges towards the shore like a man on a mission to get a bit of extra screen time.
And what do you know, Gillespie is next seen falling to her watery grave - well not really, but she has “done a mischief” to her knee and needs help from the medics. And we are but moments into the game.
Safe-ish on shore, host Bree Tomasel and her “ol mate” Jayden Daniels are back to introduce the teams to one another and to ask why former All Black Frank Bunce is back for his second go on CTI, a whole 25 years after his first island adventure.
He says it’s all for the people - because he can’t remember anything else about the show. That’s wisdom for you, baby.
Maybe that’s why Bunce is on Team Wisdom alongside Gillespie, Barrington, Davis, Shortland St actor Ria Vandervis, comedian Liv Parker and sports presenter Zion Dayal.
Team Fury consists of Adams, Correos, Poole, actors Vinnie Bennett and Te Ao O Hinepehinga, radio host Harrison Keefe and singer Georgia Lines.
In the grand tradition of CTI, Team Wisdom/old/blue, is also given the name Takapu, aka the gannet. Team Fury/young/orange is now known as Kahu, the harrier hawk. It means that in less than 30 minutes, we have been given four ways to refer to each team.
A simple game is a good game and a good game is a competitive one.
The teams are all set to go head-to-head in their very first challenge, with the winners getting their choice of a yet-to-be-revealed celeb captain.
The goal is simple: balance a thing and knock the other person’s thing off before they knock your thing off. And avoid the gale-force wind that has set in, and seems determined to ruin the challenge for everyone.
The on-field action is fine, but it’s the getting-to-know you moments between the celebs that make for good telly.
Vandervis and Poole go first in the comp, and Keefe offers to hold the beauty queen’s pink puffer so fast we wonder why he wasn’t cast in Fast & Furious.
Meanwhile, Correos is looking for fitness tips, asking 1.95m teammates Davis and Barrington, “What workout do you do for your height?”
Bunce takes out Keefe in their head-to-head, and the radio host is honestly thrilled.
“Man, do whatever you want, honestly, I love you,” he says before confessing to the camera, “I winked at him, and he poked his tongue at me. Mean.”
Keefe is aiming for a new CTI record for the most love connections made in a single episode at this rate.
If anyone’s keeping up with the competition, Team Fury narrowly beats Wisdom, who head back to camp a little sad and with Bunce declaring that he wants a low bunk bed for his dodgy knees and need for a wee in the night.
“Our team has some knee issues, and some asthma and we’re going to have to find a way to overcome that,” Davis says with a laugh.
Enough funny business. We want to know who these mystery captains are going to be.
Gillespie wants a Kardashian or shotput legend Dame Valerie Adams, while Davis suggests Black Fern, Portia Woodman-Wickliffe, but ultimately just hopes “this captain is a miracle worker” for team “old”.
Davis might have terribly low expectations so early on, but he also might have some psychic abilities. Because Woodman-Wickliffe is indeed a captain, alongside Simon Barnett, who reveals a lot of himself as he emerges from a bush; “He wore like an xxs shirt and I love that about him,” says Keefe, who still isn’t sure if he’s on Love Island or Treasure Island.
Lucky for Team Wisdom, Team Fury choose the radio broadcaster over one of the world’s greatest athletes.
“Idiots,” Davis declares. “No offence, Simon... a terrible decision.”
Big surprise over, it’s time for another game - this time slingshot volleyball where the winner gets fishing gear and the ability to pick who is up for elimination. That’s right, someone is going home without spending even a night in camp.
Balls fly everywhere except where they are meant to go before Dayal finds his stride, leading an epic win for Wisdom. On the other side of the court, Fast & Furious star Bennett worries he might go home after failing to out-shoot the sports reporter.
Time is short on CTI, so Bennett seizes the opportunity to reveal a secret to Barnett. (Try and say those two names five times fast.)
“He played a part in completely changing my life,” Bennett tells the camera as the pair head for a walk along the sandy shore.
Barnett visited a youth group Bennett was sent to by his mum when he was in his early teens.
“You came in, and you pointed straight to me, you told me to come up and said God was telling you I would be a big influence one day,” he tells a clearly moved Barnett.
“I never grew up with a father, so I never had another man give me that confidence or belief in myself. But you really played a part in that. And I really can’t thank you enough, man.”
“You don’t know how much that means to me,” Barnett says, as the pair embrace, Bennett adding that the moment changed his life’s trajectory.
You’d think those were enough tears for one night. But no.
Captain Woodman-Wickliffe is flooded with emotion as she’s forced to pick one celeb from each team to battle it out in one more challenge - and the loser goes home.
Who will it be? Why is everyone crying? Whose knees will crumble under the pressure?
If there’s one thing episode one has given us it’s the desire to stay tuned and find out, because season seven is already heating up to be one of the show’s hottest yet.
– Celebrity Treasure Island is screening now on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ+