Dan and Jessika. Photo / Channel 9
Married At First Sight's cheating husband has humiliated his wife by lying to her face and flaunting his affair in public before shamelessly getting risky for all to see — all while dressed like a Backstreet Boy.
The affair sinks to a new low on Monday night.
It ain't nothin' but a heartache, one might say. It ain't nothin' but a mistake, others may add.
But, it seems, Dan and Jessika want it that way.
While his wife makes him breakfast, Dan slyly texts Jessika and organises a secret date in the beer garden of a deserted pub. Now he just needs to ditch Tamara. Ugh, husbands and wives make cheating so hard.
"I just feel like I'm feeling a lot of pressure at the moment … I obviously wanna make this work best as we can. I'm struggling at the moment, obviously. So, I don't know, maybe I can have a bit of 'me' time?" he tells her and, obviously, she's not about it but pretends like she is.
For reasons that aren't explained, Dan — an almost-40 father of one — is dressed like a Backstreet Boy.
In the beer garden, they order a bottle of house wine and within seconds Jessika's rubbing her hand up Dan's thigh and leaning into him.
"She's very giddy and stumbling over her words," Dan growls to us. We sigh and tell him that's just how she talks.
"I am all in with you,' Jessika splutters seductively.
"Ultimately I am keeping someone here who knows there's no relationship. It's like, how long can I keep up the facade? It needs to come out soon."
This is news to Dan. He thought what they had was pretty straight forward: Occasionally bashing veneers in dark dirty carparks. Nothing more, nothing less. Why change perfection?
He doesn't respond. He simply leans in to clang veneers.
This is where they should leave it but they can't stop. Jessika takes Dan back to the apartment she shares with Mick. After days of splattering about respect, she's now cheating under her husband's nose.
"I'm so excited for the future with you. I'd like to see how we connect physically," she splurts. "I've said from day one that I am a lady and I'll only give it to someone who is special."
"Sure Jan," we say with a mouthful of Kit Kat.
"Everything about you turns me on," Dan grunts.
On the couch, they lean in and clash veneers again.
Jessika's done with the secrecy. She wants everyone to know they're together. The only thing that's stopping her is everyone thinking they're selfish molls.
"I really shy away from conflict," she proudly splutters, after seven weeks of causing nothing but conflict.
They stand up and keep pashing as they move down the hallway towards the door. Leaning in the hallway with the door wide open, they continue to lick each other's veneers. He pushes her up against the wall. She spanks him. Anyone could walk past and see but they don't care. He shamelessly continues to scrape his veneers along her tongue.
Down the hall, that annoyingly-content redhead has been in tears about everyone fighting and now her husband starts crying and there's no reason for them to be so upset because they're both annoyingly content.
As usual, Heidi and Mike continue their attempts to be relevant. His parents come meet them for lunch at a random Chinese restaurant and, within 30 seconds, Heidi is banging on about towels again. It spirals into an even bigger argument about something actually important: takeaway.
Basically, after last night's commitment ceremony, Mike went out for takeaway and came home with nothing for Heidi. It's almost as bad as Susie locking Billy out of the house while she ate all his overpriced Maggie Beer ice-cream.
"You went into a rage!" Mike yells.
And who wouldn't? Takeaway is a sensitive topic. It can actually make or break a relationship.
Mike's dad Bob decides to pipe up with an observation.
"Well, I think the relationship's at a very dangerous stage right now," he states as he spins the lazy Susan on the table. Thanks, Bob. That's some John Aiken-level insight.
After ditching his own wife for an entire day to enjoy his affair, Dan returns home. He's consumed with guilt. He even starts to guilt-clean the apartment.
"What'd you get up to today," Tamara asks.
"Ah, bugger all, really. I went out and got some food … I did get a bit lonely here and … yeah," he lies.
The smell of Jessika's perfume is still on his clothes. The clanging of his veneers against hers echoes in his mind.
If only Tamara knew the truth about her husband's day. She'd feel embarrassed and foolish — like a person who drinks wine through a straw. Oh, wait.
Down the hall, Jessika and Mick are preparing dinner for their families and it's just torturous for all involved, but mostly us.
Her family is super rough and have face tattoos and Mick makes the incorrect assumption that Jessika has already told them about how he sledged them.
"We'll address the elephant in the room, you've obviously heard what I said …" Mick says.
Jessika's dad and her hot brother stare blankly. They have no idea.
"Oh, I said you were a drunk at the wedding and acted like a dickhead. And I said you acted like a f*ckwit at the wedding as well," he blurts out.
Jessika's dad doesn't really do much to quash the drunk allegations.
"Well I think you're a f*ckwit. Thanks Mick the pr*ck,' Jessika's dad splats back. Who knew people with face tattoos would have a yen for rhyming insults?
Suddenly, we realise where Jessika gets her pronunciation issue from. Her dad takes another swig of his beer and proceeds to splatter a bunch of other words.
"Dat's ma bubby gurl, she ma angel face from heaven," he splurts. "Ya don't mess wiv ma bubbies and dat's da way it is, ya know ma sayin'?"
I swear to god, that's a word-for-word transcript. I know it's a little difficult to wrap your head around but sometimes you've just got to quote directly.
The hot brother doesn't know what's going on.
"Yeah I was drunk at the wedding," he shrugs, happily confirming Mick's allegations.
As we all know with Jessika, she's not as slick as what she thinks she is. She still has to convince everyone there's a good reason for why she keeps choosing to stay in the experiment, but gleefully informs anyone who'll listen that she hates Mick.
"So you'll obviously leave this week, right?" all her family members ask.
We zoom in on Jessika's face. She doesn't know what to say. After what she has just said, there is no legitimate reason for her to stay.
"I'm confident in what I wanna do. Really confident and, yeah, I'm excited about what I'm gonna do," she splats.
Her nearest and dearest at the table don't know what she's spluttering about. But she has a fire. One desire. And she wants it that way.
For more observations on not dressing appropriately for your age and drinking wine through a straw, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir