Tonight on Celebrity Treasure Island, a bold new alliance forms. Photo / TVNZ
REVIEW
Wairangi Koopu is on the hunt. He’s slipped away from the freshly merged team Kōura to follow a message in a bottle. The cryptic clue he won after eliminating ally Carmel Sepuloni yesterday leads him to a rusty old caravan.
“Holy moly!” he exclaims after going inside, “There’s massive spiders in here!”
He backs out slowly.
Nevertheless! We’re not here to fluff spiders. We must head to the charity challenge which today involves stickers, blindfolds and rubber chickens. This sounds more fun than it is and birthday boy Millen Baird squeaks out the victory.
Bubbah has a brief existential crisis, worrying about her clashing alliances with her “bro” Christian Cullen and her “people” JP Foliaki and Gaby Solomona. She ambushes Cullen and the pair have it out. They agree to trust each other wholeheartedly and watch each other’s backs. Then Bubbah lies straight to his face about Dunkedon Garner being a snake. It leaves Cullen shook.
Crushed by her lies, he says, “That does actually hurt.”
Later, he sidles up to Dunkedon Garner, who is fishing. Keeping his true motives hidden, Cullen fires question after question at him. But Dunkedon Garner is an innocent man and he easily passes the loyalty test.
“It’s a sense of relief,” Cullen smiles. “I think I can trust Duncan.”
Now he must ask himself if he trusts Bubbah…
Shortly later Kōura assembles to face each other in the Face Off challenge. For no apparent reason, Dunkedon Garner shows up wearing a size 18 woman’s one-piece bathing suit.
Fortunately, he wears it over his clothing. Unfortunately, it still somehow leaves little to the imagination. Distressingly, the camera is equipped with a zoom lens and the operator is not afraid to use it. Traumatically, the show’s editor fills the screen with crotch shots.
Having burned this horrifying picture into our memory, the celebs then line up to play a game of Memory. They each have a water tank with a hole in it that they must plug with their finger. On their turn, they must leave their tank, dash onto the field and flip giant tiles searching for a pair. If their tank runs out of water they are out. The person with the most pairs at the end wins.
Before getting started, James Rolleston plays one of his secret scrolls. It allows him to sit a player out. He sends Cullen to the sidelines.
Most tiles have pictures of fast food on them, with the contestants getting a delivery of any food matches they find. Bubbah looks to complete a combo while Dunkedon Garner obsesses over matching a hash brown. But hidden within the greasy burgers and fries is a powerful secret scroll that Michelle Langstone and Koopu are laser-focused on finding.
As Koopu surges ahead, Langstone is forced to make a bold play.
“I’m gonna use up most of my water to flip until I find that scroll,” she says. “I am prepared to let my water run out to find it.”
She dashes onto the field and starts frantically flipping tiles. She flips and flips and flips as water gushes out of her tank but right before it drips dry, she finds it. Her gamble has paid off.
Seeing their rival find the scroll, Solomona and Koopu reveal their alliance and begin working together, shouting out instructions and swooping up tiles. More players are eliminated leaving only Koopu and Baird. Koopu has a whopping nine pairs while Baird only has one. But crucially, he still has an almost full water tank. It is his game to lose.
“The only way Millen and I are safe in this game is if he wins this,” Langstone says. “It’s do or die.”
Baird makes a decent go of it, hoovering up pairs and catching Koopu’s score. Only two pairs short his tank putters out of water.
“Wairangi wins this individual face-off!” co-host Lance Savali shouts.
Kōura heads back to camp where their fast food is waiting and where Koopu calls for a parlay with The Mutinous Three.
“You guys are playing the game the best. I am an honest person. I just wanted to let you know that I will be picking you two to go into elim [elimination],” he says, nodding at Langstone and Baird as Cullen watches on.
Unlike yesterday’s elimination challenge, which was laughably favoured towards Koopu, today both players have a true shot at winning. It is a game of Battleships, only they must find each other’s “treasure” rather than war boats.
Baird strikes gold first, but Langstone quickly equals. Then she surges ahead, but Baird soon catches up. Tied, they both call out grid co-ordinates, hoping to find their opponent’s final piece.
Getting desperate, Langstone makes another maverick move.
In a moment of madness, she calls out “A8,” which is the spot where she hid her final treasure piece. Feeling superstitious, she believes Baird has hidden his piece there as well.
He hasn’t.
But in a surprise move, he mirrors her call, repeating, “A8″. She knows she’s sunk. She takes a final guess and misses.
“B8,″ Baird calls, completing the treasure piece and eliminating his ally from the game.
Only he doesn’t.
Langstone ain’t going out like that. She immediately plays the scroll she won earlier. It’s a Mercy card, which saves her from elimination. She is not going anywhere.
As their rivals reel at the play, Baird, Langstone and Cullen are all smiles, having executed their survival plan perfectly.
The Mutinous Three return to camp victorious, but with their alliance exposed and with giant targets now on their backs. The problem for their enemies is that Baird has just secured another secret scroll for winning the elimination challenge and strengthening their already powerful position. There is no alliance strong enough to touch them.
For now, anyway.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs Mondays to Wednesdays at 7.30pm on TVNZ 2 and is available on TVNZ+.
Karl Puschmann is an entertainment columnist for the Herald. His fascination lies in finding out what drives and inspires creative people.