As a self-confessed, somewhat, reluctant mother, I long ago gave up my dream of "offing" my Life Forms, primarily because of the advancements made in forensic science.

Though fascinated by real crime and serial killers, in particular, I have also seen enough true crime documentaries to know that getting away with murder is not quite as simple as one may think, regardless of how much planning you put into it.

Many serial killers that I have studied have been shown to have remarkably high IQs, Ed Kemper would be one such example and so it comes as no surprise to me that many think they are smarter than police.

If the thousands of American shows that I have watched are anything to go by, I'm sorry to say I would have to agree. If it wasn't for tips from the public and the forensic side of things, the cold case files in the USA would need to be rehomed in Antartica.


I don't know what their entrance requirements are but I just pray that New Zealand's are higher. Many seem unable to string two words together with any type of grammatical correctness.

So while you may be able to outsmart the average, doughnut-loving cop, the forensics are an entirely different kettle of fish.

Should any reader be a budding killer in the making, please avoid making the following mistakes:

Even if you're paying cash, do not purchase bleach, duct tape, rubbish bags and disposable gloves in outlets where they have security cameras. Think ahead, buy well in advance or purchase items separately from different stores.

Don't overcomplicate body disposal. I recommend you avoid body dismemberment. It's messy and time-consuming and makes the perfect clean-up job nigh on impossible.

Rentals of woodchippers leave a paper trail and the purchases of chainsaws or knives are also frequently caught on camera. If you insist on taking this course of action, plan ahead and where possible, buy your items privately and do whatever you can to minimise blood cast-off unless you plan on employing a professional clean-up crew.

Never have your phone on you during the commission of your crime. The cell phone tower data that will eventually be retrieved will betray you. If you absolutely can't manage going anywhere without being connected, give some thought to a disposable phone but do not contact anyone close to you on it as their records will probably be checked too.

Unless you know what a robbery looks like, do not try and stage the murder scene to look like a burglary/home invasion gone wrong. Sadly many make the mistake of messing stuff up but not well enough or they take nothing, leaving cash and items of great value at the scene. But the biggest give away is when some drongo stages a break-in but then shatters the glass from the inside as opposed to the outside. The positioning of these broken shards is a dead giveaway.


Some seemingly simple rules often get overlooked by bloodthirsty bozos and shouldn't need an explanation. Never retain the actual murder weapon, if you have a lock-up or storage facility don't house related items in it, if you're a list maker don't forget to burn your list, never google search your kill method on your own devices, avoid posting your issues with the victim on social media and never assume that your text messages are ever really deleted.

And finally, where possible, don't ever be the last person known to see the victim alive or the one who discovers the body. The cops follow certain stereotypes in profiling so if the murder is an intensely personal one exercise some restraint to try and make it look impersonal and vice-versa.

Simple really when you know how.

Of course, as I begin planning for my own retirement, I won't be taking any of my own advice. My life of luxury depends upon my swift capture and subsequent trial. My club med experience, aka prison, now serves to keep my dream alive, so I guess the Life Forms aren't quite out of the woods yet ... even though it may mean one less visitor a week! #crimefloppers

Your bullet-riddled feedback is welcome: