Here's what some of those property descriptions sometimes really mean:

"Could do with some TLC": Plumbing features are prone to bursting into startling and spontaneous waterfalls.

"Quaint and full of character": Most likely has a mould problem but this is easily brushed over with some paint and the temperamental lighting is a way to truly test how brave you are.

"Cozy, intimate, manageable": A hobbit-sized house.


"Ideal for a first-home buyer": The property is small, falling apart and in a terrible area.

"Could be used as a three-bedroom home": Realistically this is a two-bedroom home with a sliver of a space that you could use for storage or - if ambitious - an office.

"Conveniently located": On a busy, inner-city street, above a fish and chip shop and a karaoke bar.

"Excellent access to public transport": Because you are right outside the railway track, or overlooking a motorway.

"Artsy, bohemian, alternative": This house will come with free concept drawings stuck to the walls and a range of junk stored under the floor.

"Efficient kitchen": A tiny shoebox where you won't have to worry about scurrying around the kitchen to slice, dice and cook. Often found in those "cozy, intimate and manageable" apartments.

"Reduced price": Owners are desperate. Please buy.

However, our agent on the inside insists fellow employees keep a very close eye on their descriptions. "You can get in a lot of trouble for anything that is outright false or misleading. We often embrace an element of a dwelling but would never call a rundown villa a 'place fit for a king'."


Despite all the mistrust around the industry, the agent says people should relax: "At the end of the day most agents are trying to help you get the best deal because we're always looking to expand our clients - if we impress you that means you might buy or sell or rent with us in the future, or recommend us to family and friends."