How do I communicate with my ex when they are ghosting me? – The Ex-Files

When communication has become toxic, it's hard to discuss big issues like children and property. Photo / 123rf

Q: My husband and I have gone through a nasty break-up. We have been separated now for two months and communication has been a problem. My ex won’t discuss anything with me and now he has gone as far as blocking my number and social media accounts so I cannot message him. There are things we need to discuss about our kids and our property, I do not even know what assets we own as he controlled our finances. How am I meant to move on when he is ghosting me?

A: Communication is a common issue between separating parties. In many cases communication becomes toxic and in others, such as yours, the issue is a lack of communication. This can be frustrating, particularly when children are involved.

When it comes to dividing your property, you do not necessarily have to discuss these matters directly with your ex. Whether you resolve a division of your property via agreement or through the court, you will need to instruct a lawyer at some stage. You cannot sign a valid relationship property agreement without receiving advice.

Disclosure

Your lawyer can write directly to your ex and ask for disclosure about your assets. If your ex is not forthcoming with information or willing to engage in discussions, then it is likely Family Court proceedings would be necessary. Disclosure is part of the usual court process but if there is information missing you can apply for discovery.

Parenting

When it comes to managing the welfare and care of your children it is more complicated. To effectively co-parent you will need to communicate more often and sometimes urgently.

Ideally, you and your ex-husband would be able to communicate directly about matters affecting the children. It may be that you could have an agreed method of communication, use an intermediary, or that you could utilise a resource such as Our Family Wizard, which is a co-parenting app.

Parenting plan

Another good idea if communication is an issue, is to have a structured parenting plan in place so it is clear who will have care of the children at which time. A parenting agreement or order can set out details about drop-offs and pick-ups, care arrangements for holidays and special occasions and other events important to your children and family. A more detailed plan can minimise the amount of communication needed between parents.

Other options

You could try emailing your ex-husband with a proposed plan or asking a mutually trusted family member or friend to assist you. If that does not work, then you can initiate the pathway to obtaining a parenting order.

The first step is to attend a parenting through separation course, which is mandatory if you want to file an application in the Family Court. The next step is attending a Family Disputes Resolution, which uses a mediation forum to help parents reach an agreement about the care of their children. This service is now free for anyone who requires it through Fair Way Resolution.

Hopefully at that stage you would be able to reach an agreement, but if not, then you can apply to the court for an order.

Summary

In many cases applying to the court is a last resort because of the costs, delays and potential conflict. However, you and your children need clarity and certainty. If your ex-husband is not willing to engage in discussion, use professional and personal supports to assist you.