Next moment that's exactly what happens. A petite angel resplendent in a floral patterned sarong leads me ever so gently into a private salon. Can such a delicate woman with fine sculptured features, graceful movements and dainty hands administer pain? It's not long before I discover that yes, she certainly can.
If this is traditional Thai massage it's starting to feel more punishing than pampering. There has to be a parallel between the vigorous finger pulling and the medieval rack. My therapist smiles benignly as she administers the pain. This is not just a full-body makeover, it's a complete realignment.
The process continues up the legs, arms, torso, shoulders and head with enough cutting-edge massage technique to keep me just from the point of calling "stop". Patting, fist hitting, hand chopping, rolling, rocking, shaking and elbow pressing, follow in a steady progression that takes me nearer to the blessed final objective of wellbeing and rejuvenation.
But, oh! The elbow pressing - the secret weapon in the arsenal of applied pain. The bony tips of two tiny elbows carry 45kg of body weight deep into the bunched muscles of my calves. This is what makes me really sit up and take notice - in a metaphorical sense. But I simply grit my teeth and contemplate the inestimable therapeutic benefit I'm deriving from my first massage.
Traditional Thai massage is based on the principle that vital life force energy flows along channels in the body called "sen" to specific areas (which also relate to Chinese acupressure points).
The unique techniques of "Nuad Thai", traditional Thai massage, have been passed down through many generations. The practice was influenced by Chinese concepts of medicine as well as Taoist philosophy.
The legendary founder was Dr Jivaka, an Indian contemporary of the Buddha and personal physician to the Thai king around 2500 years ago. He is also honoured as the Father of Traditional Thai Medicine. Therapists offer a brief prayer in his honour called "wai khru" before a massage.
Given the growth of spa facilities in New Zealand, hedonistic pampering may soon be a way of life here. Heady, aromatic fragrances will enhance our 100 per cent pure air, while magic hands will knead knotted muscles and tenderise the taut tendons of Kiwi lads and lasses. Imagine living the Thai life with all the comforts of home - what bliss. I can't wait to tell my rugby mates at the sports bar. The new message is massage.
CHECKLIST
Getting there: Thai Airways flies from Auckland to Krabi via Bangkok. Ao Nang is a 20-minute drive from Krabi.
The writer travelled to Phuket as a guest of the Tourism Authority of Thailand and Thai Airways.
