Should you go on a big holiday without your partner?

Travelling with the wrong person can be a sure-fire way to ruin a trip. Photo / 123rf

There are many good arguments in favour of not travelling with your better half (or worse half when you’re on holiday). Here, Sarah Pollok uncovers most of them.

It didn’t take Barbara, an avid walker, long to start planning her first Great Walk after moving to New Zealand in 1984.

“I really love walking in forest and nature,” the now-retired Aucklander said, listing the dozens of long walks she’s since done around Aotearoa and the world. However, the first one would prove to be something of a let-down. It wasn’t the scenery or the weather that dampened the mood, but Barbara’s choice of travel partner — her husband.

“I realised when I did the Milford that, in the future, for the other nine walks, I wouldn’t take him,” Barbara said, explaining it was early into their relationship and while she knew they both loved the outdoors, only one loved long walks.

He didn’t sleep in or drag his feet, Barbara said — quite the opposite.

“He kind of … ran it,” she said, recalling how he was the first to wake up in the morning, would manage to walk with the group for 10 minutes and then pull ahead, leaving her behind for hours on end.

“He was a destination person, he just wanted to get to the other end,” she said, adding that it didn’t make for the most enjoyable trip together.

While he hadn’t seemed “super-keen” for a tramp when she pitched the idea, the couple felt the all-too-common pressure to spend their precious time and money on a holiday together. Looking back, Barbara said she was glad to learn early on that it’s not worth it if your partner isn’t interested in the destination or activity.

You may love someone, but that doesn't mean you'll both love the same holiday activities. Photo / 123rf

That the success of a trip depends on the things you book —hotels, restaurants, activities — is a reasonable assumption; they’re zealously marketed to us on motorway billboards and website banners and they’re why we spend months researching itineraries. But how much attention do we pay to the component that can really sabotage or elevate a holiday: the people we choose to travel with.

In the decades since, Barbara has completed dozens of walks solo or with friends who love tramping. The difference compared with taking her husband, she said, was “night and day”.

On these trips, she was accompanied by people who shared her slower pace and enthusiasm for nature. They also weren’t discouraged when challenges inevitably arose.

“Because you were with people that wanted to do the walk, any hurdles were non-existent,” she explained. “People tend to climb over difficulties if they’re doing something they love doing”.

We may fail to properly consider the suitability of our reflexive plus-ones because, unlike picking between LA and New York, we feel we have little choice. With limited leave and money, most can afford only one big” trip every year or so. Taking our partner feels unquestionable. At least, it did for Barbara.

“The expectation is you go with your partner, you have to go on holiday with your partner, even if you want to experience things differently,” she said, adding she initially felt guilty or selfish when she started going on trips, even domestically, with friends or alone.

Travelling alone or with someone different to your usual plus-one can be a rich opportunity for growth. Photo / 123rf

The assumption that partners holiday together makes sense; you’ve typically agreed to spend your lives together. However, romantic compatibility doesn’t guarantee travel compatibility, at least, not for all trips.

One could improve a trip enormously by accepting that, as much as they love someone, they may not share enthusiasm for a destination or activity.

If your standard plus-one, be it a husband, girlfriend, parent or friend, isn’t dying to backcountry ski in the South Island, practise yoga every day in Bali or shop up a storm in Sydney, does this mean we don’t go? Fortunately, not.

Pick a priority

If you’ve got money set aside, leave available and are eager to travel, the next step is to decide on the priority of the trip; is it to spend time with a specific person or experience a certain destination or activity?

If making memories with a certain person comes first, then your destination or activities will probably involve compromise.

Travelling with my husband may involve a few more fancy dinners than I’d prefer and a few more wellness treatments than he’d prefer. But we go into the trip knowing the ultimate goal —time together — will be achieved.

However, if the real desire is to tick off a bucket-list city or partake in a hobby not shared by your usual plus-one, it’s worth looking further afield for a suitable travel companion; even if it involves taking a risk on someone.

Look wider afield

When given the chance to take a plus-one on a Fiji work trip, I immediately asked my husband and‚ when he couldn’t take leave, I resigned to going solo. Then, he suggested inviting a girlfriend. The result was a week spent cruising around the islands with someone equally eager to explore the destination and spend quality time together, enriching the entire experience.

Did we share a 24sq m room (which is spacious on a cruise ship but tight anywhere else)? Yes, we did. Did we discuss budgets, sleep schedules, dietary requirements, or potentially challenging personal quirks (aka snoring) beforehand? Absolutely not. On day two, with enough time to feel confident, we laughed at how a cruise ship is dreamy when you enjoy your company, but a nightmare if you don’t.

Of course, this didn’t mean we escaped awkward or uncomfortable moments. On board, we had to get comfortable using the small bathroom knowing the other could hear everything, tentatively figure out how much alone time the other needed, and silently accept the tiny quirks and habits one can’t hide when spending almost every hour and meal together.

It’s a risk, no question, but one that has the potential to give a friendship a new depth and richness that would take months, if not years, of coffee dates or football games to accumulate. And you know what they say — distance from your typical plus-one often makes the heart grow fonder.