Private lives open to all online

SHELLEY HOWELLS peers into the world of the online diarist, where personal intimacies become public property.

What started as a few online jottings in the early days of the net has become an international obsession: online journals or diaries.

Where once folk would scribble their feelings into a notebook and stuff it under a mattress for safekeeping, people are now typing their innermost thoughts, hitting "enter" and having those thoughts read by anyone who cares to take a look and, in some cases, add their own comments.

Some prefer to remain anonymous. Many do not, plastering real names (their own as well as those of their friends and relatives), photos and cast lists all over their online diaries.

One of the earliest "public" diarists, Carolyn Burke, has had her first online entry (written in 1995) archived, along with many other pioneering diaries, on the fascinating Diary History Project, a website whose goal is "to preserve memories of what online journalising was like in the beginning".

In an interview on the site, Burke (an academic and web pioneer) said that, among other reasons, she started publicly letting rip because "an online diary, a place that exposed private mental spaces to everyone's scrutiny, seemed like a social obligation to me".

"I felt at the time that I could give back to society something important: a snapshot of what a person is like on the inside. This is something that we don't get access to in face-to-face, social society.

"Our intimacies are hidden, and speaking of them in public is taboo. I questioned the privacy taboo. I disagreed with it. I exposed my private and intimate world to public awareness."

Now, everyone's doing it (and Burke is still doing it).

One local addict, 28-year-old Maria, says she started her (anonymous) online diary when she was feeling stressed.

"I needed an outlet. I thought writing would be a good way to get my thoughts down, and that maybe when I re-read the entries, things would become clearer for me."

She initially chose an online diary instead of a traditional one because she could not be bothered with all that old-fashioned handwriting.

Now she keeps it up because it's fun and enlightening.

"I like people to read it and give advice. And I like to read other people's so I actually like to visit the site. I have a group of friends there."

Again - as with just about every internet story - the bottom line is communities and connecting with others.

In the case of online diaries, it is having strangers add their 5c on your life.

Maria says that in her experience, diary communities are generally benign.

"I have only ever had one bad comment in mine and, when I read a page of their diary, I realised it was just a comment from a psycho. So I deleted it.

"All other comments have been really good, supportive, and I have often had excellent advice.

"It's funny how the same stuff happens to people, no matter whether you're in New Zealand , Australia, the US or UK.

"I know other people who have had some horrible comments written, but all in all people are generally really good sorts in cyberspace, as in real life."

As for privacy, she admits to feeling a bit nervous at the thought that somebody she knows could identify her diary. But the odds of that are low, given the large number of sites and writers, and the fact that she is careful to hide her identity.

In fact, someone is much more likely to discover the notebook stuffed under the mattress.

"That said," she adds, "You have to be aware that your diary is in the public domain and so, yes, people can find you - especially if they know your login name.

"You need to carefully delete your history, etc, after you've been there if someone else uses your computer."

A good place to start snooping into the lives of others through their diaries, or to get started on your own is Diarist.Net a good-looking and easy-to-use guide to all things diary, from journal-entry topics if you're stuck for an idea, to "the world's largest directory of online journals" (sorted by age groups, topics, location of authors, even by author birthdays)".

The guide for newbies is particularly useful, including such information as the difference between a weblog and an online journal (roughly, a journal/diary is about one's internal thoughts and feelings; a weblog is more comment about outside events and websites).

It also includes wise comments, such as, "One reader is all it takes to get sued for calling that co-worker a slut".

Other good places to head include Dear Diary, which sorts by category (for example, My Pets Are My Life or I Just Wanna Vent) and so is useful for finding people with similar interests.

At My Dear Diary people can offer advice and comment on your entries.

Diary Land has a chatroom and, for a small fee, additional services such as uploading pictures, receiving statistics about how many people have read your diary and finding what other web-pages link to your diary.

The Open Diary is very popular, too, and lists more than 100 Kiwi diarists.

Some may say that online diaries are all a big attention-getting exercise. After trawling through a few sites, there is no doubt about that in some cases.

Maria wondered herself in the early days of her "addiction", but in the end decided that keeping her online journal was just for her benefit.

"It really helps me to write stuff down. If people want to read it, fine. I like getting comments and ideas from strangers - it feels kind of safe and you get ideas from all walks of life, not just your own.

"I know there are other people who stop writing in online diaries because they begin to get too paranoid but I don't think I'll stop - I just might move sites or change my login. "That said, if my mother read it , I would die.

"I am totally addicted to it now. I read my regulars every day and write several times a week.

"I love it, but sometimes worry it's taking up too much time that could be spent doing tedious things ... like work."

Diary History Project

Carolyn Burke's diary

Diarist.Net

Dear Diary

My Dear Diary

Open Diary

Diary Land

It takes all sorts ...

A selection of online diary and journal snippets.

Why do I have to be such a pudgy mommy type? How am I supposed to clomp around in this fireplug body and still be a tarty sexpot, like I am on the inside? - Female, US.

I've said it to the point that other people are beyond sick of hearing about it - I'm crazy about my wife. I really am ... And, as wonderful as she is and as crazy as she can make me, she has this wonderful little habit of driving me into small, tiny, contained fits of absolute rage. hp+10 - Male, US.

... my mom's depression and anxiety is kicked into overdrive so she's freaking out, my sister has got the flu so bad she puked herself into dehydration and is now home from school, my dad might have a really really bad case of acid reflux or whatever it's called, and my little bro had a shunt put in. Yeah, everyone's just peachy.

- Female, 17, US.

I spend so much time looking for unconditional love. SO much time worrying about losing people. I guess it all goes back to how I have been hurt by people I thought cared about me ... hp+5- Male,18, NZ.

Real Love is felt when you love someone so much that you can trust them ... even when they're living on campus, in a dorm that has girls in the same building.

- Female, 17, US.

I want to die. hp+6- Male, 19, NZ.

Two things seem to stand out to me about journalers, one is a love to communicate and the other is a general love of others and a desire to pass it on.

- Male, 83, US.

Today things got even better. A guy bit my leg.

- Female, 20, Finland.

If there's one thing that I learned in the past few months, it was that I don't want to have a relationship - or, heaven forbid, have to end one - under the watchful eye of the internet public. hp+3- Male, 27, US.

I wake up every morning and I face up to exactly who and what I am: a fat, sick, divorced 43-year-old alcoholic with no friends, no family, a crappy job, $17.83 in the bank and a Pending Disconnection notice hanging on her doorknob ... watching the world come to an end on a little black & white TV. hp+3- Female, 43, US.

I registered for a photography class yesterday. (That doesn't sound excited enough.) I registered for a photography class yesterday! (That's just the same thing, except with an exclamation point.) The very best thing about yesterday is the fact that I registered for a photography class. It made me so happy I cried. (Am I just going to say that about everything now?)

- Female, 30s, US.

3 trips to the doctor & about $500 later ... I'm all bound up inside still. Yesterday's discovery of big ass parasite worms was as frightening as it was disgusting. Now when I feel gurgling in my guts I wonder if that's the worms partying on that last salad I ate.

- Female, US.

I looked at my father's face and realised that he was just a man, not a superhuman, godlike being. I felt as if I had just taken a large blow to the head.

- Male, 17, US.