Millennium Bug Madness winners

Thanks to all those who entered our Millennium Bug Madness competition. We had an interesting and diverse range of views in all categories, except the conspiracy theory category, where we felt the entries just didn't quite make the grade. Congratulations to the winners. Your prize - a copy of Novell's Netware 4.2 for Small Business, valued at $3200 - is on its way.

Best survival plan: We liked Chris Mitchell's sturdy refusal to abandon the century and his do-it-yourself approach to the future - "whatever year we decide it should be". A uniquely Kiwi solution, the No.8 wire approach to the millennium:

Our company has 7 PCs dating from 1986 onwards. Operating systems vary from Dos to Win98 and everything in between. The oldest computer is an AT which is used with a gamma-fax card to fax CAD drawings out to clients at good resolution (clients without e-mail).

Since most of the software on the older machines is not Y2K compliant, the easiest solution is to avoid the problem altogether by ensuring that none of the computers click over to the year 2000.

Thus on January 1 of this year I adjusted all the system clocks to 1993. For your information 1993 has the same days of the week as 1999.

So, at the end of this year, the computers will all clock into 1994 and we know for certain this will go smoothly as we did it once before.

All the files on our computers date stamped 1993 will be archived in the 1999 archive and I have yet to decide what date stamp year we will use next year; I can not see that it matters much actually. (A fuss about nothing to give journalists something to write about, perhaps?).

By doing this adjustment in January of this year, it means that all files created this year carry the same year date and all the REAL 1993 files were backed up and archived long ago so there is no risk of a muddle.

Anyone wanting to do this could still do something similar at the end of this year, I just wanted to do it early to check that going back in time would work on all our software.

Software that we run such as Xtree, Compuserve, Autocad R14, lotus 123 and Windows programs all work fine and since I type the date in at the top of my letters anyway it is of little consequence to us. Luckily, all our accounts are done on spreadsheets and it is simple to add (plus 6 years) into the date to correct any date problems from 1993 through to 1999; as it will also be again easy to fix next year whatever year we decide it should be.

So, as far as we can see, the problem has been avoided and zero cost for our small business. Actually, the concept of living the last 6 years again is quite attractive as you start to get older.

Even our old Canon 110 fax machine is giving out the 1993 year date. We changed everything to 1993 in the office.

We can not understand why people spend money on checking that their HOME computers are Y2K compliant when all they need to do is to go back a year or two.

Eventually, when our older computers are gone, we may move into the next century, but hey, we're too busy for Y2K.

Chris Mitchell.

Best true story: the Pikelet Award: Sometime last year I gave a presentation to about 200 members of a professional association on the risks associated with the Y2K issue and the duty the members had to their clients. I expounded on the various risks, legal obligations, potential threats of going bankrupt, etc.

At the end of my presentation I asked for questions from the floor.

After an uneasy silence a member way down the back raised his hand.

Finally, I said to myself, "I've got through to someone!" I pointed to the man and said: "Sir, your question is?" He got up nervously, looked around the room for a moment and said "Er ... what time do they serve refreshments around here?"

Joseph Dawson.


Best meltdown scenario: a slightly disturbing view of enjoying life in a post-apocalyptic world. If Donald Presland thinks things will be bad down his way, we advise to steer clear of Remmers - they have mortars there:

I warned the neighbours, you know, the 30-year-olds I call the McDonald Generation, to stock up on food. But oh no, they were too busy nightclubbing and living it up to listen to a silly old fart like me.

Served in the war you know, and the army training taught me to organise and look out for number one. At the back door there are six 40 gallon drums of water. There is enough rice and dried food in the kitchen to last at least three months and by then law and order should be restored.

Funny about the Government cutting the size of the police force before the millennium bug wrecked everything. Never mind. The Neighbourhood Watch is patrolling the streets and if you have your location ID certificate on you, it's all right.

Tried to go over Mangere Bridge the other day though and the Onehunga Watch would not accept my local ID and I was turned back. Good thing though, law and order is important and we don't want the rioting that occurred in Otara to spread out here.

Glad I bought the shotgun. Haven't fired it yet but if anyone steps on my property - look out! Best thing I have is the Alsatian dog, big bugger, he barks like mad when anyone comes on the property and gives me two minutes' warning, especially the bludger from next door.

Donald Presland.

Best Y2K joke/anecdote: unfortunately most of the Y2K jokes we received were a bit lame, but we felt this one - even if it used a familiar historical theme - had some humorous moments:

FROM: The Forum Office.

TO: All Roman Provincial Governors.

SUBJECT: The Nullennium Problem.

DATE: 10 January 1BC.

Dear Herod,

As you know, we are still working frantically on the Y zero K problem. This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way round. Having been happily counting downward forever, we know have to start thinking upwards. One might imagine someone would have thought of this a lot earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last moment.

I spoke to Augustus Caesar the other evening and he was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus but he said simply counting downwards, using minus BC will not work. As usual he charged us a fortune for telling us something we knew already.

Surely we will not have to throw out all our software and start again? Macrohard are going to make billions out of it, no doubt.

The money lenders are paranoid, of course. The realise that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind! We don't know yet how we are going to collect the Government's scutum tax because it is estimated that at changeover time all abaci will fail. Suggested scenarios are that the wooden beads will lock up on the wires, split or develop a terminal case of dry rot.

For myself I still cannot see how the sand is going to fly upwards in the hourglass. We have been told that there are three wise men in the Orient who have been working on the problem but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

There are plans to have all horses stabled at midnight at the turn of the year, as there are fears that they will suddenly stop and run backwards, causing damage to chariots and possible loss of life.

If you have any ideas about this Jupiter-damned Y zero K problem, please send me a parchment.

Plutonius.

John Wightman.