Mrs Claus on life at the top

When the Stratford Press visits Mrs Claus she is in the kitchen - "it's my favourite place, I love the smell of gingerbread baking in the oven". With her bright red apron, her white hair pulled into a bun and her twinkling blue eyes, she looks like a perfect female replica of her husband, only slimmer, as she is quick to point out.

"It's all those darned cookies, he never leaves one uneaten you know."

Before settling down to answer some of our questions, Mrs Claus reminds us that she cannot answer any questions on the recent out-of-court settlement the Claus' made to an unnamed elf. "All I can say is that we have learnt from the experience and we have taken the opportunity to update some in-house policies. We will no longer use nicknames such as "shortstuff" or "pointy ears". Personally I think it is just political correctness gone mad, I mean, it's not as though I used names that mocked them for the way they talk, and believe me, those squeaky high pitched voiced are funny, not to mention the ridiculous names they have, I mean really, Sugarplum? That's not a name, it's a candle scent. And Cinnamon? That sounds like an elf who spends her time near a very different pole to the North one let me tell you. Anyway, let's get on with this interview and not talk about those midget nuisances...um, elves."

Cinnamon? That sounds like an elf who spends her time near a very different pole to the North one let me tell you.

Mrs Claus

Yes, let's get on with the interview. So, when does your Christmas rush start?

I don't think it ever ends really! It seems as soon as we have tied the last bow on the last present and loaded the last sleigh, we are back to the factory floor starting work on the next year.

Surely you at least relax on Christmas day?

Well, Santa does. He normally sleeps in until lunchtime, but after all those chimneys he has squeezed through, well let's just say, sooty footprints all over the carpet do take some scrubbing, so that's my morning sorted. I must admit though, I do like to pour myself a small sherry, and sit in the living room, with all the lights off, and just the tree lights flickering on and off. I never get tired of seeing Christmas lights.

So what's on the menu for lunch at your place?

After all those treats and drinks he has had the night before, I would like to see Santa have a nice salad for lunch, but no matter how many times I mention cholesterol, he insists on plum pudding, custard, turkey with ALL the trimmings, oh, and he always likes to see a pavlova on the table too.

What will be under the tree for Santa this year?

I always try and give him a few things that will help him keep the New Year resolutions he should make, not that ever does mind you, or at least he never keeps them. I still try though, so I am stuffing his stocking full of protein shakes this year, and am popping a juicer under the tree. Thing is, he gives up on diets within days with the excuse "the kids like to see a jolly old fat man, so I make sure I give them that". I am also getting him one of those fancy things, a bitfat is it called? You know, you wear it and it tells your phone how many steps you take and how many calories you are consuming. I thought I might get one of the younger elves to show me how to set it up so it can report to MY phone too, so I can keep an eye on things.

And what are you hoping to see under the tree for yourself?

Well I wouldn't say no to a nice calendar, you know, one of those firefighter ones where they aren't wearing much...Santa refuses to buy me one though, he muttered something about "unrealistic expectations" when he saw it on my list. He normally buys me a cookbook, and puts bookmarks in all the pudding pages. The elves last year, they clubbed together and bought me a holiday. I thought that lovely of them, but I think they made a mistake in booking it, I mean, elves aren't very good at reading you know, so it is likely that they just saw the word retreat and thought it would be a nice break away from all the stress and everything, they probably didn't read the rest where it said "for people with mental health and alcohol problems". It was a bit of a shock when I got there, I tell you. There was me, all ready for a nice relaxing massage or maybe a gentle swim and instead I had people going through my luggage and taking away my bottles of sherry. And I was signed up for some anger management thing there as well. Told me to imagine my anger melting away.....clearly those people have never lived anywhere near the North Pole. Melting isn't a good word if you do.

Umm, right. Moving on, do you have any favourite holiday traditions?

Oh yes, I like all the fuss in the lead up to Christmas, carols playing on the stereo, decorating trees, making gingerbread men and plum pudding. And there is a bit of travel too for us, Santa is often invited to join in Christmas parades, and I come along with him. So we stay in a few nice hotels around the world, then he goes off on the parade and I get to take a stroll around the town, enjoy the scenery and maybe have a quiet sherry while I wait. We were in Stratford last month you know. Very nice it was too. It was a three sherry parade, by the time those pipers had got back to the start, lots of trucks and floats, so I had plenty of time to soak in the scenery from the bar.

We're very glad you enjoyed it. Any last thoughts or words of advice you would like to share with us?

Yes. leave a carrot out for Santa this year, or a stick of celery please. If you must leave him a drink, a small bottle of sherry that he can carry back home would be best.

Thank you.