Rugby: Super 14 Power Rankings

Paul Lewis

Each week, the Herald on Sunday puts together the Super 14 Power Rankings. This week, the Rankings that wonder if Phil Waugh goes overseas next year, who will play Mini-Me in the next Austin Powers movie?

1. Sharks (no change)

Former Sharks first five Butch James – yes, old stiff-arm himself – was cleared of stomping on Riki Flutey when playing for Bath last week. Butch at Bath, Sharks on top of Super 14. Rankings wonders if these two facts are related...?

2. Waratahs (no change)

Cures for insomnia: relaxation techniques; meditation; warm milk with a spoonful of honey; clubbing yourself senseless with a baseball bat; watching the Waratahs. Someone please give Rankings a baseball bat.

3. Hurricanes (up 2)

Kicking's not natural for the Hurricanes, said coach Colin Cooper, after pinpointing that as one of the reasons the Canes lost it against the Sharks. He wanted more structure in their game. Why'd he let Jimmy Gopperth go, then?

4. Chiefs (down 1)

Sione Lauaki is in an anger management course but Chiefs CEO Gary Dawson refused to say if Lauaki was in an alcohol programme or whether he'd been internally disciplined after re-arranging part of a Green Lane motel. Maybe that would have made Lauaki angry.

5. Bulls (down 1)

Chiliboy Ralepelle's real name is Mahlatse ("the blessed one") but Rankings fi gures the man long touted as a future Springbok captain prefers his "Chili" moniker – bestowed by his grandma, apparently. "Bless" doesn't have the same bite to it...

6. Blues (up 1)

Possible reasons for Taniela Moa to have biffed a beer bottle at an unnamed female recently: He thought it was a ball; he thought she was a fi rst fi ve; he'd fi nished. Maybe Tony Woodcock's ear infection is catching.

7. Crusaders (down 1)

Rankings remembers saying in 2006 that Crusaders lock Isaac Ross would be an All Black one day. Rankings is saying it again, even if the mobile, skilled Ross still needs toughening up – like the time the 9-year-old Ross locked himself in the car because his mum wanted him to play for the under-13s.

8. Highlanders (no change)

A time-honoured trick in the deep south is turning on all the heaters in the visitors' dressing room so they freeze when they hit Invercargill's, er, exposed environment. Worked well against the Reds who scored within seconds of the kick-off.

9. Brumbies (up 1)

Shades of the All Blacks v Scotland, World Cup 2007 – the Brumbies and Cheetahs wore almost identical jerseys last week. Rugby's boring enough already, lads...

10. Force (up 1)

Lead item on the 'news' section of the Force website: 'Normal operation for members bar on Friday night'. Rankings wonders if the second story could have been: 'Force play rugby'.

11. Reds (down 2)

'InspiRED' and 'HonouRED', read the Reds billboards during what seemed to be a revival. Now, Rankings thinks the billboards could read: 'InterRED' or 'HammeRED' or what about 'hung, drawn and quarteRED'.

12. Stormers (no change)

Coach Rassie Erasmus has managed a notable turnaround – the Stormers have gone from a fi ne attacking team to one of the worst (only the Cheetahs have scored fewer points) and the competition's best defensive team with only 113 points scored against it. Hmmm.

13. Lions (no change)

The Lions were grumpy about having phones, I-pods and watches stolen from their Hamilton motel last week, according to wonderfully named media manager Mustapha Boomgaarde. Rankings insists his name should be Mustapha Securityguard instead...

14. Cheetahs (no change)

If you went to the all-Afrikaans Cheetahs website last week, you were greeted by the words "Beleef die". Rankings bets this does not mean "Belief dies" but thinks maybe it should.