Rugby: Rebels caning was no joke

Hurricanes back Andre Taylor is about to be tackled by Rebels backrower Tim Davidson during the round six match in Melbourne. Photo / Getty Images

Rebels 42 Hurricanes 25

There's an old rugby joke from past All Black days which rather encapsulates the Hurricanes' awfulness in this match. The All Blacks, in this hypothetical scenario, were enjoying a very easy test match against Wales, up 30-0 just before halftime.

"Tell you what," said captain Ian Kirkpatrick. "This is all right. The rest of us are going to the pub. Bee Gee (Williams) and Batts (Grant Batty) - you should be able to handle this lot on your own."

So the All Blacks went to the pub (told you it was a long time ago ... ) but when they returned to the stadium, they were amazed to see the fulltime scoreline read: New Zealand 30, Wales 29.

"What happened?" demanded Kirkpatrick of Williams. "Well, everything was all right for the first couple of minutes," said Williams. "But then Batts got sent off."

The Hurricanes, in their own way, went to a sort of pub in the mind. Up 17-0 and squashing the Rebels almost at will, the Hurricanes then looked shell-shocked as they endured 42 straight points scored against them, with their only response a Daniel Kirkpatrick penalty; before replacement hooker Dane Coles scored a consolation try at the end.

There can have been few other Super Rugby fixtures where the losers scored a bonus point but were so humiliated.

Even worse, the Hurricanes managed this without anyone being sent off. Rapid counts of the participants revealed that, yes, all 15 players were on the field. No one had left to go to the pub.

However, there is no doubt that the Canes relaxed their grip on this match. Momentum is a powerful force but the Hurricanes let it slip from their fingers after woeful Rebels' defence saw halfback Chris Eaton, No8 Victor Vito and first five-eighths Kirkpatrick score tries.

After last weekend's 50-point hiding from the Reds, it looked like the Rebels were heading solidly towards becoming the laughing stock of the competition. Instead, the joke was on the Hurricanes.

Most in rugby have played in matches where their side is superior, but somehow manages to lose the initiative to the other team - and are unable to get it back. But this was way more than that. It was like the Hurricanes looked at the scoreboard - and closed down their minds. They went from being a slick, efficient rugby machine to a bumbling, inarticulate bunch who couldn't get their hands on the ball and, when they did, promptly turned it over.

The Rebels regrouped in a simple, direct way - scoring two rolling maul tries. Confidence flooded into Rebels' hearts. It poured out of the Hurricanes like dysentery.

In all, the Rebels scored four tries from arm-wrestling mauls on the Hurricanes' line - before livewire young halfback Nick Phipps and former Warriors and Knights league winger Cooper Vuna scored outfield tries that showed the Canes' defence had become just as porous as the Rebels' had been earlier. Hurricanes heroes from the first 20 minutes - like Kirkpatrick, Vito, skipper Andrew Hore - faded into the background and even seasoned campaigners like fullback Cory Jane had an ordinary evening. Conrad Smith was his efficient self and Ma'a Nonu tried hard but, once that momentum was lost, the Hurricanes were always circling the plughole.

Hore went off again - this time for injury - but no one could gesture at that (as they did in the loss against the Blues) and say it was a turning point. The Canes had turned long before then.

Their forward pack - so dominant in the scrum and at the breakdown - became subdued and subjugated; even coming second in the scrums by the end as the Rebels' set piece asserted itself. Former Wallaby lock Al Campbell scored two tries from those forward surges and loose forwards Gareth Delve, Jarrod Saffy and Michael Lipman clearly outpointed the Hurricanes in that department.

In the backs, players who had made little impact in Super Rugby (like Cameron Mitchell and league convert Luke Rooney ) began to show out and front rowers Ged Robinson, Greg Somerville and former Wallaby Rodney Blake all had big games.

Hurricanes coach Mark Hammett has a lot of work to do. This appears to be a pallid version of the Hurricanes, especially up front. Their capitulation when the tide turned was as surprising as it was thorough.

Vito tried hard all game but was overshadowed by the hard-work, back-to-basics ethics of the Rebels' pack and perhaps the player who most typified the Hurricanes night was highly promising young winger Julian Savea. One of the danger men in the first 20 minutes, his night turned into one of horror - and he missed two glaring tackles during Phipps' try.

He and his team-mates will not want to view the video this week. It will seem like Halloween, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or maybe Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, quite possibly the worst movie ever made.

Or ... they could go to the pub.