Kearns loving life behind the microphone

By CHRIS RATTUE

Double World Cup winner Phil Kearns, always has a ready line in the TV booth, but when it came to deadly quips on the field he apparently comes dead last.

Sean Fitzpatrick's most famous rival returns to the capital as a commentator tonight (hopefully, because he'd forgotten to check his flight details when we called).

Who should have filled in for George Gregan as Wallaby captain?

Since it's Chris Whitaker's first real starting test, I would probably have gone for Stirling Mortlock.

He did a very good job at the Brumbies, and the boys rated him there. It doesn't surprise me that Eddie Jones will leave Steve Larkham to call the backline shots without putting extra pressure on him. Nathan Sharpe is a future Wallaby captaincy candidate, for sure, but he has only led Queensland a couple of times.

He's a good guy, well respected, intelligent, but lacks huge test experience, particularly against New Zealand.

Wellington - it must be a case of thanks for the memories, what with that try in the famous 1991 victory and the two fingered gesture to Fitzy?

I've got great memories of Wellington, from tries to nude swims in the harbour.

If I told you more, I'd have to kill you.

Talk to Nick Farr-Jones and Tim Horan about that. I personally was not nude.

There have been some negative memories - I'm trying to remember the World XV game against the All Blacks in '92 which I think we lost (you did, 26-54). I'm absolutely proud to say I was injured on the day you gave us an absolute flogging in 1996 and didn't play. Actually, I haven't got too many bad memories there.

How often are you reminded of that gesture to Fitzpatrick?

Every day. I was young and impressionable and I thoroughly regret doing it. One of the more stupid things I've done - I don't normally do that stuff. To this day if I'm walking around Auckland or Wellington I still get a bit of abuse. Sean just gave me the s**** and I reacted.

Given the circumstances it was probably the right thing to do. We needed a rev up. We'd been belted by the Blacks for the last two years I'd been involved. But I look back and think, "My god, was that me that did that or some other alter ego".

What's the best line you ever copped in a test?

Sean, on a number of occasions, told me to go home to mummy and that's what I felt like doing the first time. After Wellington he didn't use it any more. Huh. I was a terrible sledger because it was always 10 minutes after someone said something to me that I'd think of the best reply. Sledging wasn't my strong point.

But aren't you the king of the laconic quip in the commentary box.

It's easier there, with no lineout throwing or scrums or running around to worry about.

You just sit down and let the mouth do the work.

Who was the most humorous sledger you encountered?

Richard Loe would come out with the very dour sort of Cantabrian comment, which I found amusing although I can't recall one exactly. Obviously the New Zealand public knows Loey and Cantabrian farmers and what might come out of their mouths.

So I always found him an amusing bloke to play against even though he probably wasn't trying to be amusing.

I just remember these mutterings coming from under his breath at scrums and mauls. You don't laugh on the field of course, just under your breath. I'd think, 'That was a good one'.

Your best commentary line?

A Super 12 referee found a pair of scissors on the field - I can't remember the game - and my immediate reaction was, "My god, some of the backs have been sewing again on the field".

Your worst?

We were talking about Ben Darwin's prolapsed disc on Inside Rugby, and it came out on air that he had a prolapsed ... (fill in this space, rhymes with kick). I tend to regret that. We quickly went to an ad break and broke into laughter.

Your commentary team has struck a distinctive and highly regarded chord. What's the secret?

Thanks. We're all very different characters but really enjoy each other's company. We treat it as a game. Rugby is not life or death, as much as we like to think it is. Greg Clark doesn't see himself as an expert and just calls the game, and lets myself and Greg Martin do the rest. We call it like we're a couple of mates watching footy, which we are. We've had a good response. A lot of the Australian rugby public don't want to hear tactics in depth. ... The more fun we can make it for them the more they will watch.

How much of your time is spent involved with rugby?

Very little. My fulltime job is with ASK Solutions in corporate training, software, recruitment. I'm a shareholder and run the Australian and NZ side.

Were you ever tempted to become Coach Kearns?

Never, never, ever, ever, ever. The problem with coaches is they are lunatics, because they have to deal with players who are all lunatics. When they brought in extreme video analysis, that was it for me. I hate watching rugby videos.

These coaches watch each video about 4000 times. My eyes would glaze over, watching some ridiculous game with 30 big boofy ugly blokes sweating and running all over each other. Give me the Fox fashion show any day.

Who's the greatest player you ever saw?

Tim Horan and Jason Little were up there. Steve Larkham. Certainly Sean from an opposition perspective.

You guys had some pretty fair wingers and centres. Jonah was fantastic, Campo was great. I was lucky enough to play with Mark Ella who was exceptional. I've always believed the 1999 Wallaby team would beat the 1991 team by 20 points because of the player evolution. Players today are even bigger, stronger, faster, more skilled, fitter, read the game better, defend much better than we did. It's hard to compare eras. Joe Rokocoko will be a great. He scores tries like ... It must get boring for him.

When will New South Wales win a title?

When we get a five-eighth. No, hang on. When they believe in themselves. Why don't they? I don't know, and I've been part of it. Andrew Johns wasn't the answer. I'm all for getting rugby league players, AFL players, rowers, basketball players. You get the best team you can. But be selective - Andrew Johns wasn't right because of age, injury and the transition time he would need.

Who is the next Australian superstar?

Rokocoko and Caucaunibuca are coming over. They're great. Just joking. There's a 15-year-old from St Josephs College everyone is excited about.

The biggest thing is the move from tiny weedy wingers who ran so fast because they were terrified, to giants like Jonah and Rokocoko and Wendell and Lote. I've got four kids so don't do things like watch games to see emerging players.

Who will win the Tri-Nations opener?

It's impossible to pick these tests. The New Zealand forwards have performed better. Both packs got dished up by England. If the forwards cancel out then it's down to Larkham and Spencer. Whoever creates more opportunities for the brilliant outside backs holds the key.