Paul Lewis: The tactical weapon that is the press conference

All Blacks coach Steve Hansen talks with media following the first test against the lions. Photo / Greg Bowker.

Don't be surprised, next Lions tour, to see someone in a new position: translator. Nothing to do with foreign languages, just interpreting what's said at press conferences so we know what is really meant.

Listening to Steve Hansen the other day was priceless - a philosophical stroll through how the third test was just a game of rugby, not life or death, and how he likes to go for a walk with his missus, wearing his hoodie and sunglasses as an ineffectual disguise.

Had New Zealand spawned its own version of Uncle Remus? Or maybe Aesop, gently relating one of his fables as he sits in the Garden Of Eden Park, patting a grandchild on the head as the wisdom falls from above, like dandruff.

Hansen seemed to be musing on the irony of life, reminding all anxious Kiwis that life and death was not a rugby test; no, that was trying to save someone with CPR for half an hour, followed by the task of having to tell the kids that mum or dad had snuffed it.

Far from it, as the private said who aimed at the target but hit the gunnery sergeant instead.

Here's the translated version of what big Steve was saying: "We're under extreme pressure and had to select a couple of babes whose nappies might come adrift at the wrong moment. I don't want to ramp up the pressure any more so I will lead you buzzards in the media into a gray philosophical area - like challenging you to tell me that, if a rhinoceros got on the Lions' team bus and no one saw it, was it really there at all...?"

Lions coach Warren Gatland, asked if winning the third test would be a career-defining moment, said: "It is definitely not, I can promise you that". Translation: "Yes."

The end of the tour will see - for a while anyway - no more press conferences, God-awful things more to do with media manipulation than anything else.

Before all this philosophy and world peace broke out, it was Hansen vs Gatland, Grant Dalton vs Jimmy Spithill, with legions of social media comment and letter writers weighing in. The media cop the blame; it's our fault for stirring things up "to sell newspapers".

The media are in business, same as anyone. But that's not the only force in play. The main causes are sports bodies wanting to sell tickets and coaches/sportspeople wanting to play a tactical card, plus the careful suppression of anything that might be real news.

For example, Gatland used a press conference to imply the All Blacks were trying to hurt one of his players; Hansen hit back, taking the unusual step of phoning a radio station to call Gatland "desperate", clearly nettled.

So why did Gatland do that? Cynics might suggest he was deflecting attention from a pretty convincing loss in the first test and/or was attempting to influence the next referee to gain quick-on-the-trigger penalties.

Most coaches these days are skilled media practitioners; sports bodies, coaches and players (a) want to be in control of the message, (b) want to give their sponsors an airing and (c) want to be seen to be communicative but without actually saying anything.

So they hold a press conference awash in platitudes rather than pesky journalists asking difficult questions one-on-one which might elicit a newsworthy response.

That's where the interpreter is required, someone who can translate verbiage like that heard in many hotels, for example: "Can I help you, Sir?". Translation: "Why don't you sod off, you nasty little pile of tuatara droppings."

Few members of the public realise no real news comes from press conferences. That's the way the All Blacks or the America's Cup teams, for example, like it. We want to know what makes the New Zealand boat go faster or the All Blacks' game plan for the Lions. That, of course, is exactly what they don't want to tell us.

That's why Peter Burling danced his dance at Bermuda; Poker-Face Pete rarely answered a question directly, always responding with largely the same non-messages, no matter what the question.

Sport needs pre-game skirmishing. It heightens anticipation, sharpens interest - and ticket sales - and TV money follows. But this isn't just down to media unable to find any story other than the coaches having a crack at each other. Look at the Lions tour and the persistent PR/media manipulation.

Before arrival, Gatland was all touchy-feely about the Lions embracing New Zealand and Kiwis. Then press conferences became tactical weapons. He quibbled about the Crusaders' scrummaging; then opponents blocking the Lions' chase of kicks; the All Blacks attempting to hurt Conor Murray...

At least the manipulation has been more palatable than the 2005 Lions', when the team included detested PR man Alistair Campbell, of war with Iraq infamy. Campbell's presence on that tour was misguided and the general PR thrust spilled over to one of the many coaches; one said after the Bay of Plenty match that Irish first-five Ronan O'Gara had given a "masterclass".

Laugh? We couldn't eat our lamb sandwiches...no translator required for that one.