Chris Rattue: The cream of the commentary crop

Old rugby heroes don't just fade away, they type away and talk away. You don't have to look far in the media to find a famous old rugby player near you during this Lions tour, especially in the era of cyberspace. With the test series approaching, Rattue checks the sprigs of a golden oldie commentary first XV - including a couple of wildcard selections.

FULLBACK

Laurie Mains: Popular columnist position, with Gavin Hastings and JPR Williams contending. Maybe it's because during their playing days fullbacks got a great view while stationed at the back - and Laurie would have got a better view than most.

Mains set the cat among the pigeons by claiming the big cats were pigeons. He got a decent slap from Colin Meads for his troubles.

Mains is bidding hard for the tour yellow jersey. Latest effort - the test coach who threw Jonah in the deep end and played Marc Ellis at No 10 reckons Sitiveni Sivivatu isn't ready for a big test yet.

WINGS

Gerald Davies: The prince of wings is an erudite writer in the Times. Says the famous 1971 Lions laid out their store when Welsh wing John Bevan steamrollered through stonewall fullback Fergie McCormick against Canterbury. Davies believes these Lions need to make a similar, although not necessarily physical, point. Maybe today will be the day.

Austin Healey: A tough tour for the mischievous Englishman. His instincts are to stir up trouble, yet he can't upset Sir Clive. Started by suggesting there would be internal rumbles over the Lions' defensive systems, then turned loyal by blasting referee Steve Walsh after the Hamilton defeat.

Healey's only pass mark for a Lion in the New Zealand Maori game went to wing Tom Shanklin, whom he called "solid". Calling a wing solid is like describing a comedian as amusing.

Believes the Lions test team should be conservative, and the midweek team more imaginative.

CENTRE

Stephen Jones: The British journo qualifies through his unofficial status as the 50th Lion. He also thrives on being the centre of controversy Downunder, and I couldn't find a proper centre.

Some of his theories make sense, but his obsession with prodding our sensitive rugby under-belly turns them senseless.

Will have more explaining to do than Sir Clive should the Lions get hammered, but have no fear - he'll find a way. His tour book working title is: How cheating Kiwi ballboys robbed the Lions.

SECOND FIVE-EIGHTHS

Lee Stensness: Gets full marks for bagging the Claytons All Black trial.

Stensness also picks Justin Marshall over Byron Kelleher, partly because he preferred playing outside "older and slower" halfbacks. This qualifies for a gong in the new category Praising with Faint Praise.

But wait. There's more, and it's better than free steak knives.

Stensness also likened Marshall to "a pair of daggy old tracksuit pants". Twice.

This will forever be Exhibit A in proving that Auckland players do not give Cantabrians full praise. It's not allowed, unless they are Richie McCaw.

FIRST FIVE-EIGHTHS

Grant Fox: Takes the utmost care in teeing up an argument a-la his goalkicking. Studious, especially in avoiding handing out praise to Canterbury.

Respected columnist, although he breaks the traditions of sports column writing by actually doing some research. Shame on you Foxy.

Wins top marks for his unabashed enthusiasm for the tour. Urges caution over the All Blacks' chances, and will undoubtedly continue to - even if they win the first test by 50 points.

HALFBACK

Ian Smith: Another guest selection. The ex-cricketer has an uncanny eye for rugby's fine detail. A knack for spotting the little things will probably be vital for any commentators searching out the Lions' good points.

NO 8

Murray Mexted: Who else? Mex's Mixed Messages are part of the rugby landscape.

Just when Mex is growing on you, he says something that makes you feel like throwing a brick through the telly.

Had a similar effect on a Welsh newspaper pre-tour when Mex told it he didn't know any players in the Six Nations champions. The paper obviously didn't realise that being oblivious is a Mex specialty.

Mex's other forte: Forgetting the rules. Prediction: He'll suggest that Gavin Henson's hair is held up by a mysterious energy.

Love him or hate him, you would kind of miss him - which is very hard to do.

FLANKERS

Eddie Butler: Has to shift position 'cos Mex is an automatic. The ex-Welsh forward still believes, although without conviction, that the Lions' front five will be scary.

Butler loves rugby folklore but you sense he fears he will never be able to recount heroics involving these Lions to the grandkids.

Butler can't wait for mad Danny Grewcock and maddening Ali Williams to explode and suggests the Lions may have to venture onto the dark side - like the good old days.

Mark Shaw: We haven't heard a squeak out of Cowboy - a major tour highlight. But the blindsider is selected because openside media types are hard to find. Shaw can double as the media beat-up officer.

LOCKS

Colin Meads: The legend. Still talks sense and if he didn't, I certainly would be telling him so.

Still gets words like "bloody" and "bugger" into his columns, and is quite happy to use his position to eavesdrop on Sir Clive and let us in on the secret.

Meads has always had a soft spot for Andrew Mehrtens, and still does for this series.

And he's a modern man. If you'd ever suggested to Pinetree in 1965 that he would write a column about eyeliner, well ... you wouldn't have suggested it?

Favourite Lion: Danny Grewcock. Which says it all.

Andy Haden: As cautious as Foxy when it comes to using the lead-up games as a guide to the test series. Belies his flash agent image by being traditional in this way - says the All Blacks might be underdone for the first test but should win 3-0.

On the Lions versus the provinces, Haden reckons the pros always win - which has pretty much been his motto for life.

PROPS

John Drake: Loves the cloak and dagger stuff. An old mate of Graham Henry's, and usually backs the coach. Full of good sense with a great line in anecdotes. Vitally important in TV commentary boxes as an antidote to Mad Mex.

Richard Loe: Subdued of late. More controversial as a player than a columnist. Regarded as the nation's technical adviser when it comes to biff, even though his infamous on-field moments were more underhand than fisticuffs. Sure to fire up if/when the series turns nasty.

HOOKER

Norm Hewitt: Finally gets in a team ahead of Fitzy. Twinkle toes has been quiet on the rugby front of late, but is back to keep the blazer brigade about their wits. Took a swipe at the All Black selectors for disregarding the Maori performances. Fair comment too.