Crowd noise and having fun watching rugby isn't our strong suit, but we've got to try, try, try to be more chilled out. Observing the Lions fans, getting involved in the game looks really enjoyable.
Here's the bottom line: red must be turned into black as your accountant would say. Make no mistake - this is one of the biggest games in All Blacks and rugby history, a magnificent occasion where the home crowd has a huge part to play.
We salute the ground spectators, for paying those dizzying ticket prices. But we must also ask you for more.
Here's our tip sheet.
1) Most important this - accept, embrace, that the joyful and noisy Lions fans played a big part in Wellington. The Red Card and the Red Jackets swung the game. I suspect they have brought professional singers and chanters here - how else could they co-ordinate it so brilliantly? But enthusiastic amateurs can achieve a lot - look at those brave NZ Barbarians in Whangarei.
2) It's too late now, but we should have infiltrated the Lions supporters, identified the ring leaders, and tried to nullify their influence. Something for future tours, if there are any. Or is this unsporting, like the Sydney hotel bug?
3) Don't try to out-sing the Lions fans. Yes, some of us come from the same stock, but for unexplainable reasons all the people who could sing stayed back in the Old Country. And the Polynesian singing factor has long struggled to made its presence felt. So a simple and traditional Black, Black, Black - to one major chord - is a great starting point. Remain focused - under no circumstances get outside your comfort zone by trying to string different chords together. It's un-New Zealand-ish.
4) If Eden Park starts playing pop songs in the breaks, form a first response team to deal with the threat, and also try to drown it out. Imported soundtracks sound false.
5) Do not leave your seat for the famous Eden Park food and beverage queues at halftime. The All Blacks desperately need your presence in the second half, and you also need to get to work by Monday. For those who fear hunger and the security pat downs, little bags of trail mix can be lobbed over the fence to advance units. During the first half, tell Lions supporters that the chips are outstanding.
6) This is a trick from the dark side (rugby league). Screaming for offside penalties is a legitimate tactic, and the Lions have employed a "fast defensive line" all tour. Help persuade French referee Romain Poite to put the brakes on them. French for offside, according to my translation service, is "hors-jeu".
7) Just relax during the haka - save your energy for things you can control (thought I'd drop in some coach speak).
8) Don't be fooled by Lions' fans. They only appear to be great people - they are actually here on a mission, to bring this great nation down. They must be stopped. It's time to turn those campervans around.
9) Don't poke the bear (phrase of the week)...
10) Just as you walk through the gates, consider this line: "Twelve More Years". How will you sleep, knowing that the All Blacks were swept aside by the Giant Billionaire Lions Corporation, when you were fully capable of screaming 'Black, Black, Black' and 'hors-jeu, hors-jeu, hors-jeu'.
11) Finally - "Ask not what your All Blacks can do for you, but what you can do for your All Blacks." And, hardest of all, try to enjoy it. It's only a game (just kidding).
