KEY POINTS:
Far be it for this column to hand out advice ...
Then again, Gary Kemble needs some help. So in the interests of the national mood, here is a 13-point plan which should enable the Kiwis coach to rescue his team after defeats against Australia and Great Britain.
If he can't save the team, it includes tips on saving his job.
And my goodness, Kemble needs a strategy or two since (on bended knee here) Wayne Bennett's name has already been mentioned in hallowed circles as a possible replacement.
The last thing you need when your A-plan is going astray is everyone else's B-plan coming up the rear.
So Gary Kemble has problems.
This plan includes immediate, mid-medium term, medium term, long term, and extremely long term strategies and many of these ideas - okay, all of them - have been nicked from the All Blacks.
And before anyone leaps in here and starts slagging off the All Blacks, I've got six words for you. Wayne Barnes. Wayne Barnes. Wayne Barnes.
So, to the Kiwis rescue package.
A HOLIDAY IN CORSICA
This is the ultimate springboard to success. It has to be said, at this point, that it is not a proven theory. But those who have criticised the All Blacks for sunning it up before the World Cup fail to realise they may have been eliminated in pool play had it not been for their pool play in Corsica. A good sun tan played a pivotal roll in the crushing of Scotland and Romania, countries whose citizens simply aren't used to facing hordes of holidaymakers. It also caused a serious skin tone clash with the Portuguese, leading to utter confusion when they tried their planned moves. The bottom, suntanned line is that the Kiwis have broken all the rules of sports planning by trying to play their top team all the time and need rest. Get the board shorts out before the second test lads, 'cos it's been a long year.
CALL FOR REINFORCEMENTS ...
Namely, bits of reinforcement from club rooms around the country. This is a Dunkirk moment for league supporters throughout the land, a chance to play your part in giving the team a lift the way club rugby people were able to boost the All Blacks by donating soil samples. Anything goes here, so long as it is something that has helped prop up your local league club - a symbolic gesture to prop up the Kiwis if you like. Steel, wood, concrete, old raffle stubs, the guy in the corner who keeps talking about the team from 1953 - anything you can get your hands on really. All these items will be ground down into a magic dust representing 100 years of league tradition which will then be sprinkled over the team when they get back from Corsica.
BLAME THE REF ...
Oops, the New Zealand league boss Andrew "Charmer" Chalmers already did this, before the first test. Kemble has already learnt here by allowing other people to fire the bullets at the referee. There may be hope for the lad yet.
ANNOUNCE YOU ARE BUILDING FOR THE NEXT WORLD CUP ...
The key is not to specify which World Cup. What Kemble should do is announce that he is in the early stages of a 17-year plan, and that it will take at least 13 seasons involving 312 windows of opportunity before he knows if he is on track. It might pay for him to also announce that he is developing a wider Kiwi group - some of whom are still at primary school - for the good of league, the nation, and mankind in general.
HIRE A GOOD LAWYER ...
A good lawyer is essential in sports. Ask Doug Howlett.
A COMPREHENSIVE, INDEPENDENT REVIEW TO BE BE RELEASED AT 8PM ON CHRISTMAS DAY ...
If all else fails, which is usually the case with the Kiwis, organise a review. The first step is to announce that you left no stone unturned, and then leave no stone unturned in proving that you left no stone unturned. Kemble will need to check whether the release of this report will clash with the release of the All Blacks' comprehensive, independent, earth shattering review. If it does clash, all the better.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH MATES IN THE ADMINISTRATION ...
Just kidding. It's impossible to surround yourself with mates when it comes to the New Zealand Rugby League. Kemble needs to start small and see if he can surround himself with one mate.
FIND YOUR OWN SUCCESSOR ...
Line up a bloke who is, how do we put it, not overly successful himself. For instance, in Kemble's case it would be counter-productive to work out a succession plan in which his deputy was Phil Gould. The key part in organising a good succession plan is to take the word success out of it. That way, you are left with more survival options should everything turn to custard, especially if you can make the independent review extremely comprehensive (ie long).
RETURN HOME TOGETHER, ALMOST ...
If it is good enough for the All Blacks to return home together, almost, then it's good enough for the Kiwis. Revealing that you intend to come home together win or lose appears to win a lot of fans, even if some pesky Japanese desk clerk insists on stuffing it up. In terms of travel tips, the World Cup has shown that it is much easier going on holiday to Corsica together than returning to New Zealand together. In the case of the Kiwis, returning home together actually means returning to Australia together. The Kiwis could announce that they are all going on holiday together, which would allow them to arrive in Auckland together.
SIT BACK WHILE A FEW OLD MATES SPIN A FEW THEORIES ON YOUR BEHALF VIA THE RADIO AND IN NEWSPAPER COLUMNS ...
Play the maturity card - hope that old buddies will tell the nation to grow up and stop throwing coaches out of their cot. The more they savage the nation for savaging losers, the better. This raises the mate problem again though, which is a biggie in New Zealand league. In Kemble's case, he might have to settle for hoping that a few old mates don't bag him too badly on the radio and in newspaper columns.
LIE LOW AND SAY STUFF ALL ...
A core tactic in all New Zealand rugby planning. It's a tough ask for a league lad though, but essential to survival.
ADMIT TO NOTHING ...
Think car crash insurance tactics.
GET LAURIE MAINS TO BAG YOU ...
A sure fire winner that is worth even more than returning home together.
