All Blacks coach Ian Foster and captain Sam Cane address the media following the All Blacks loss to the Springboks. Photo / Photosport
All Blacks coach Ian Foster and captain Sam Cane address the media following the All Blacks loss to the Springboks. Photo / Photosport
OPINION
Maybe we can get the feng shui consultants in for the All Blacks now. Like the guys who turned Bristol Rovers around a few years back. Unless changes are made, it may be all that's left to us.
It's one of my favourite stories in all sport – Rovers, a club struggling in the fourth tier of English football, were so perplexed about their lack of success they decided to try something different: feng shui.
The ancient Chinese art of aligning buildings, rooms, furniture and other key elements with light, colour, sound with natural energy is a big deal, particularly in Asia where feng shui is often regarded not only as fostering a more enjoyable life but vital in business. I know of one hotel with big Asian custom which spent well over $1m revamping the lobby after being told its feng shui was a bit stink.
Struggling Rovers were on a big losing streak, like the All Blacks, so they hired two feng shui consultants, Guy de Beaujeu and Patrick Stockhausen. The changes came thick and fast. They put a statue of a three-legged frog above the turnstiles, bamboo plants in the corner of the dressing rooms and a fish bowl, complete with live goldfish, behind Bristol's goal.
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In changing the "spiritual balance" of the stadium, their coup de grace was re-arranging the seating in the directors' box and hospitality suite - putting it all on a 45-degree angle to the pitch so that VIP spectators had to twist their necks to watch the football.
The three-legged frog was a bit of a giveaway, as was the European names of the experts. The consultancy was a con; the two men were from a TV show specialising in pranks and, to this day, I enjoy the mental picture of the club's directors watching their team on a 45-degree angle.
Dejected All Blacks captain Sam Cane after losing to South Africa at Mbombela Stadium. Photo / Photosport
But wait, there's more – the pranksters actually had an unintended effect. One of the club's spokespeople said after being exposed: "Well, they must have known more than they thought because, since then, we haven't stopped winning."
There comes a time, in any organisation, when new thinking is required. It's a law of nature. The All Blacks are there now. We all knew what the result would be against the Boks. We all know it's not just down to the head coach – they were out-selected, out-thought, outplayed and committed too many errors. It's time for a reset, a new captain, new personnel and people played in the right positions.
There is a body of thought that new players – including some of those in the squad but largely untried – may not be of the quality to oust some senior players. But, as this column has repeatedly asked, how would anyone know if they weren't given more game time to find out?
The time to try the new boys out was on last year's northern tour and the three-test series against Ireland – but those ships have sailed. Onto rocks.
That conservative thinking was exemplified with Codie Taylor – a terrific All Blacks hooker but clearly off his game – finally being dropped for Samisoni Taukei'aho when it was obvious to most the wrong man was starting against Ireland.
Speaking of rocks, NZR are now between one of those and a hard place. Axing Ian Foster will be an admission they got it wrong. It will also present whoever takes over with an imposing task – the World Cup in France with little time to fix things.
So, let's put them to work for the All Blacks. Here is a list of feng shui-like things we could do if NZR do not take more obvious measures like – oh, I don't know – changing the coach:
• The goldfish bowl placed behind the All Blacks' dead ball line is a great idea – but using a live goldfish could draw the ire of the animal rights people, so let's use a motorised Baby Shark toy instead (but turn off the song).
• Instead of pies, fish and chips, beer and wine at the concessionaires, this new regime will herald an era of healthy feng shui eating – steamed rice, mung bean shoots and thimbles of sake (plastic thimbles, we don't want any injuries from flying glass).
• On the bus and pre-match, the All Blacks would only be allowed to listen to Chinese opera on their headphones. The changing room showerheads would be pointed towards the ceiling instead of the floor and an abacus placed in every All Black's locker.
• However, most importantly, the feng shui of the entire NZR HQ in Wellington would have to be addressed. Right now, they have a nice view of the pleasing contours of the Wellington Cathedral of St Paul. The whole NZR building needs to be rotated 180 degrees so they are looking at the back of the Department of Internal Affairs instead – so they can think about what they've done.
