Nostradumbass sees big things for (from left) Beverly Priestman, Scott Barrett, Liam Lawson, the NFL and Team New Zealand. Photos / Photosport; Graphic / Herald
Nostradumbass sees big things for (from left) Beverly Priestman, Scott Barrett, Liam Lawson, the NFL and Team New Zealand. Photos / Photosport; Graphic / Herald
Opinion
The New Zealand Herald’s resident sports tipster and forecaster, Nostradumbass, with a satirical take at what promises to be an enthralling 12 months in the sporting landscape.
Yellow fever
Prediction: A Barrett will get a yellow card at an inopportune moment.
Predict-O-Meter: A solid call, and a clever play toimpress the credulous reader. When cobbling together these prediction pieces, it’s always good to get early runs on the board – and skipper Scott looking quizzically at the big screen as he wanders to the naughty chair is a given.
Scott Barrett takes a breather in the 2023 Rugby World Cup semifinal against Argentina. Photo / Photosport
Prediction: The Warriors will be a disappointment.
Predict-O-Meter: Check your calendar, Wahs fans, it says “2025″, not “2023″ (which, technically, wasn’t their year either). We’ll keep loving them anyway. Again – early in the innings, easy runs on the board.
Sailing: Away
Prediction: Team New Zealand will simultaneously take the next America’s Cup event offshore as they tap up the Kiwi taxpayer for funding.
Predict-O-Meter: “The suggestion that we’ve sold out Kiwi supporters for Saudi affection is outrageous,” says Team NZ boss Grant Dalton-Abdulaziz from the syndicate’s traditional base in Riyadh.
Grant Dalton in Barcelona, which is 19,190km away from Auckland. Photo / Photosport
Badge kissing
Prediction: A kid you know will declare themselves to be a lifelong fan of a football team not currently in the top five of either the Premier League or La Liga.
Prediction: After years of uncertainty – with host cities withdrawing and widespread apathy from athletes and sports fans – finally a futureproof solution is found for the Commonwealth Games. By stripping out all sports that have a meaningful top-flight competition at another event (like, say, the Olympics), we can nail down a purpose for the Friendly Games.
Predict-O-Meter: A two-week lawn bowls tournament in rural Hawke’s Bay, with an opening speech delivered by a second cousin of someone who once met Prince Andrew.
Tough near the top
Prediction: Kiwi ace Liam Lawson has landed every aspiring F1 driver’s dream job – being mentally torn to shreds by Max Verstappen. He follows Daniel Ricciardo, Pierre Gasly, Alex Albon and Sergio Perez, all of whom suffered in comparison with Verstappen while in the No 2 seat at Red Bull.
Predict-O-Meter: It could be worse – if you think drivers who partner Verstappen have had it tough, spare a thought for the bloke he replaced. After the Dutchman took the Red Bull seat from Russian driver Daniil Kvyat in 2016, he followed through in 2020 by shacking up with Kelly Piquet, Kyvat’s former partner and the mother of his child.
Liam Lawson has landed in a hot seat at Red Bull. Photo / Red Bull
Auckland stadium resolution
Prediction: At last! A solution is found to the stadium question that has vexed Auckland for so long! It turns out there have been so many proposals, reviews, reviews of proposals and reviews of reviews printed out at Auckland Council head office over the past two decades that we can build a 30,000-seater stadium entirely from unread pieces of A4.
Predict-O-Meter: If you build it they will come... then they will complain that it got built slightly not right, and who’s paying for this bloody thing anyway?
Prediction: The NFL and the NBA will announce a series of regular-season matches (or even “Magic Rounds”) in the UK and Europe.
Predict-O-Meter: Not as barmy as it sounds. Next stop, the UAE!
Beverly Priestman to coach the Football Ferns
Prediction: Drone-gate gaffer Priestman has done plenty of homework on our national team, having been caught out spying on the Football Ferns at last year’s Olympics. She could fill our coaching vacancy.
Predict-O-Meter: Again, not a bad shout. With Jitka Klimková stepping down in September, Michael Mayne has been running the side in an interim capacity. She has solid ties to New Zealand – her wife, Emma Humphries (a former Football Fern), is coaching with the Phoenix.
Former Canada coach Beverly Priestman already knows plenty about the Football Ferns. Photo / Photosport
Money... man!
Prediction: Elon Musk buys Liverpool.
Predict-O-Meter: The city, not the football club.
Quiet, please
Prediction: Ahead of his second-round match at the Australian Open, Nick Kyrgios carries a box containing a dozen kittens into the middle of Rod Laver Arena and kills them all with a hammer in front of a full house of fans.
Predict-O-Meter: “This is the kind of energy and colourful personality that the men’s game has been crying out for,” writes the Aussie press.
