Matt Heath: What we need now is fantasy rugby

How would Freddie versus Helen go in a game of rugby? Photos / File

COMMENT

Covid19 has taken most of our sports from us. It's rough. Luckily we are a resourceful nation. If any country can find a way to enjoy sport and isolate at the same time it's New Zealand. That's exactly what we have done. It's called The Super Seven Championship and Round 1 took place over the weekend.

The great Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius once said "The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way." In this case, the 'impediment' was having to social distance while playing a violent full-contact sport. The way through was making up a completely fake tournament. Not a fantasy league. That still depends on actual sport taking place. This is a completely fabricated series. It has all the results, highlights and commentary of normal sport. Just no actual gameplay. Welcome to The ACC Super Seven Championship. The world's first completely fantasy fantasy league. Fake teams vs completely fabricated ones.

There are seven quality squads competing including the politician, actor, cartoon, superhero and fantasy XVs. The teams and draw are announced on the Hauraki Breakfast every Friday morning. Then the games aren't played over the weekend. The results are however published Monday morning along with full commentary and analysis.

The feature game over the weekend was The Politicians XV vs The Hauraki First XV of Rock at Carisbrook. The teams looked great on paper with the politicians picking a powerhouse front row. Brownlee, Muldoon and Lange. Locks: Clinton (Bill) and Palmer. A loose forward trio of G Robertson, B Obama and J Shipley. Mallard at half-back. Winnie running things at 10. On the left-wing Helen Clark. On the right John Key. A united Europe on display in the midfield with Angela Merkel at 12 and Thatcher outside her. At the back, under the high ball J Ardern. Pre-game sceptics pointed to the advanced age of the squad. There is no denying several players have long been deceased. But overall the politicians put a balanced if ideologically divided team on the park. But they were going to have to play out of their skin to compete with the experienced Hauraki First XV of Rock.

Upfront Jack Black, Jimmy Barnes and Meatloaf. Locks: Mick Fleetwood and Billy Corgan. Loose Forwards James Hetfield, Josh Homme and Jimmy Hendrix. Halfback Kurt Cobain. Number 10 Dave Grohl. Centres John Toogood and The Boss. Left-wing Freddie Mercury. Right-wing Mick Jagger. At the back David Bowie. Clearly age and mortality were also a factor with these guys. But as you might remember they turned back the clock last year with their complete demolition of the Hip Hop XV.

But how did it all play out on the park? Let's have a look at The ACC Super Seven Championship Round 1 results.

FEATURE MATCH (commentary highlights available)

Ground - Carisbrook
Hauraki First XV of Rock – 49
(Tries: Bowie 2, Mercury 1, Black 1, Springsteen 1, Grohl 1, Cobain 1. Conversions: Grohl 7)
beat
The Politicians XV – 38
(Tries: Bolger 2, Thatcher 1, Key 1, Peters 1, Robertson 1. Conversions: Peters 4)

Ground – Athletic Park
The Actors XV – 36
(Tries: DeVito 1, Statham 1, Willis 1, Pitt 1, Schwimmer 1. Conv: Hanks 4, Penalty: Hanks 1)
Beat
The Cartoon XV – 31
(Tries: Cartman 1, Griffin (Stewie) 1, Road Runner 2, Conv: Mickey Mouse 4, Penalty: Mickey Mouse 1)

Ground – Carlaw Park
Hip Hop & RnB XV – 18
(Tries: Tupac 1, Dr Dre 1, Nelly 1. Penalty: Tupac)
Beat
Celebrity Chefs – 15
(Tries: Hudson & Halls 1 each, Holst 1)

Bye: Super Heroes XV

The great Marcus Aurelius wrote "Time is a sort of river of passing events, no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away." By which he means this will all pass.

Cricket and rugby will thankfully return to our great country. Until then how good were the Actors XV? The midfield combo of Jason Statham and Bruce Willis were unstoppable. Tom Hanks is in the form of his life. The boy can run. Don't get me started on Jack Nicholson at the back. He's the new Ben Smith. One last thing. Is anyone going to test Jimmy Hendrix.? The dude is clearly on drugs.