Soccer: It all depends on who's doing the talking

KEN JONES listens in on some soccer manager-speak - and adds a translation of what they really mean.

LONDON - Since we are in a period of headlong communication, let's dwell on that most insidious form of double-entry book-keeping - the manager's quotes.

As carried in newspapers and conveyed across the airwaves, this is the all-purpose statement guaranteed not only to fill seats, and to sell satellite dishes, but to persuade those who should know better, the players themselves, that they are not only better than they are but probably better than Accrington Stanley, who would probably have beaten them by 10 points.

Here are some examples. First is what the manager says, followed by what he thinks:

* "That new kid our scouts persuaded us to sign has got a great right foot." - "Too bad we had to pay for the rest of him to get it. To think they put feet on him and chiseled them off statues in the Coliseum."

* "Our squad is stronger this year." - "And a good thing, because we haven't got a striker who's sure to last through the warm-up."

* "From where I was sitting I couldn't tell whether our guy deserved to be sent off." - "OJ Simpson's lawyers couldn't get him off this one. People have done time for less."

* "Our goalkeeper is having a few problems, but we're going to send him to a specialist." - "Yeah, a psychiatrist. The problem isn't from the neck down, it's from the eyes up. They should put him in a jacuzzi upside down."

* "You could be right. Our right winger does play a bit like [former England great] Tom Finney." - "And Finney is only 80."

* "I never criticise referees, they've got a hard job." - "Thieving bastards have got it in for us. Our disciplinary record may look bad. but it's all down to bias. If they took a lie detector it would blow up."

* "They tell me this player looks like a young Matthews." - "What was her name, Jessie?"

* "Why didn't we go into the transfer market? Because we didn't need to." - "Sure, to hear the chairman tell it, what would I do with a Michael Owen, Zinedine Zidane, Rivaldo, Raul, Del Piero, Ryan Giggs. Come to think of it, at that, even Pele couldn't help this bunch of clowns."

* "Our midfield is among the best in the league." - "It's got this nice green grass and perfect markings. It's the players standing on it who are not so hot."

* "Our bench is an improvement on last season." - "We painted the seats. The guys sitting on them are as bad as ever."

* "Are any of my players into hobbies? I think one or two are keen gardeners." - "Gardeners! They think hydrangeas are a team in the Scottish third division."

* "Our playmaker is the equal of any in the league. He has as good a range as anyone." - "For cooking pasta, that is. He stands so still in the field the pigeons think he is a statue. Even his lips haven't moved in three years. He should put stamps on his passes. They'd get there sooner by boat, in a corked bottle."

* "I don't believe in curfews." - "The only way to get this lot in the room before midnight is to put a crate of alcopops and a lap dancer in it."

* "Even at their best, Manchester United are only human." - "And Seabird was just a horse, and a lion is cat."

* "We've got our eyes on Europe." - "Yeah, two weeks in Majorca."

* "There's no trouble between me and the chairman. He's right behind me." - "I'd feel a lot better if the conniving bastard was in front of me."

* "Not one of our players is for sale." - "We can't get rid of them. I've got one who should be featured on the History Channel, another with ailments that would baffle the best brains in Harley St."

* "I've got tremendous admiration for Michael Owen, but he doesn't scare us. All he can do is score goals" - "And all Rembrandt could do was paint. All Rocky Marciano could do was punch."

* "We're a thinking team." - "Think! I've got one player who signed a contract without knowing how many zeros there are in one million. Anyway, if you could win the premiership by out-thinking the rest, Cambridge University would be playing at Highbury instead of Arsenal."

- INDEPENDENT