Soccer: A beginner's guide to the World Cup

OK, so it might be the greatest show on turf but we suspect a few of you out there won't be investing a great deal of time in the World Cup until the clock ticks 2007 and the ball changes shape.

So to make life easier for you the Herald on Sunday offers this concise version of the World Cup so you can follow your favourite team without ever having to set the alarm.

Germany
Will make their way joylessly - aside from thrilling penalty shoot-out victory over England in the quarter-finals - to the semifinals. However Michael Ballack's suspension will haunt them as they lose 2-1 to Argentina.

Brazil
Funniest thing read all week (not sure where): "Without Ronaldinho, Brazil are nothing." Hmmm, that Kaka is rubbish. Ronaldo, Carlos, Cafu... useless. Adriano, Cicinho, Ze Roberto... pants. Unlucky to lose to Argentina in final.

Argentina
Third victory for the blue and whites and the first post-Maradona. Just the right mix of skill and savagery. Actually, on second thoughts, they might not make it out of their group.

Italy
The best strip on display, but leave in a trail of tears after Francesco Totti misses a gilt-edged opportunity to equalise against Ghana.

Netherlands
Sentimental favourites to win and pay back Germany for stealing their bikes in 1939. A scroll down their team list, however, tells you they won't.

England
Despite scraping through their pool they'll convince the tabloids they're on their way to glory before losing said shoot-out with Germany. Headline in The Sun - They've Hun it Again.

France
Like the Rolling Stones on stage, you'll wonder what the hell half of these players are still doing there.

Spain
Cheated out of making their first World Cup semifinal last time, just the latest in a litany of bad luck and underachievement. This time they'll win! Not. Close though, very close.

USA
A lot will depend on whether Bruce Arena can get his men to "take it to the endline for a drag-back that the strike-forward will volley from 25 yards to gain a tie."

Portugal
The only thing certain about the fate of the Iberians is that it will end in Cristiano Ronaldo blubbing away like a little Chris Masoe.

Switzerland, Sweden
It's hard to get passionate either way about Switzerland. Their football seems stuck in neutral. Sweden will have a good player called Andersson, but not much else.

Serbia, Czech Republic, Croatia, Poland, Ukraine
Could we see the first east European winners? No. Andriy Shevchenko out before the tournament starts with a strained left buttock.

Ghana, Togo, Tunisia, Ivory Coast
Will go through the tournament conceding about four goals in four games yet the reason they won't win is because they're "wonderful technicians but defensively naive".

Ecuador, Costa Rica, Mexico, Paraguay
Technically good, defensively cynical, but poor-quality shirts and itchy socks will prove decisive in early departure.

Angola, Trinidad & Tobago, Saudi Arabia, Iran
The World Cup expanded from 24 to 32 teams in 1998. These are four good reasons why it shouldn't have.

South Korea, Japan
This will give a better indication of how good South Korea are. We suspect the answer will be, not very.

Australia
A lot will depend on Adam Gilchrist and how the top order fares.

Disclaimer: This article is based on preconceived generalisations and we therefore accept no responsibility for any gambling misadventures based on what you have read.